On the Road
by mxpw
Summary: Seth returns to Newport after leaving home for eight years. An SS story, with a focus on Ryan, Marissa, and the Cohens. Pretty much an AU story set after S1. As of right now, this story is on indefinite hiatus. Sorry!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: Okay, so I guess you could say this is my second story in my "Cliched Plot Series" although it really has no connection to my previous story _Too Cool for School_. With this story, I took the common plot of Seth returning to Newport after his Season 1 boat trip and tried to make it as soap operarish as possible. Admittedly it's not that bad, as I don't really know how to write something like that, but I'm trying my best. Hope you like it. Can't promise that I will update with any regularity as I'm pretty busy, but I will try to keep up with this story at a steady pace. And for any of you who read this read my other story, thanks!

* * *

Seth was tired. But then he had been tired for most of his life.

He reached for the protruding knob atop the overworked toilet and pressed it down. With a whoosh, the toilet vacuum flushed, spraying blue disinfectant and fresh water into the abused plastic bowl.

He turned his hands to the sink and winced slightly when the bus bounced upwards causing his hands to ram into the metal of the faucet. He finished washing his hands as best he could considering his location and wiped his hands dry on one of the few remaining paper towels. He looked at his reflection in the smudged mirror, trying to see some resemblance to the boy he used to be. But the silver was cracked and he hadn't been that boy for a long time.

He had wanted to shave, but his haphazard beard was too thick to shave with the 99 cent plastic razor he had picked up at Walmart three weeks ago. He didn't have any shaving cream anyway. He ran a hand across his face and sighed. He looked like a bum, a homeless troubadour.

He turned around and opened the door of the bathroom, stepping out into the aisle between seats. There was a low hum, as people talked back and forth. The Greyhound bus was about a quarter full, but that was enough to make him feel lonely. He couldn't remember the last time he had carried on a conversation with anybody just for the hell of it. Small talk was a dying art as far as he was concerned.

He marched to his seat and sat down. He was only somewhat relieved when he found his duffel undisturbed. It wasn't like he had anything of actual material value inside of it, so he wouldn't have been financially devastated if it had walked away on him. Still, it contained all his worldly possessions and he didn't want to lose it if he could help it.

He closed his eyes and let the rhythm of the bus passing over the road lull him into a kind of meditative state. Not quite asleep and not quite awake, he thought about what he was doing. He still wasn't sure if this was a mistake.

It had been eight years since he'd last been home. He wasn't even sure if he could call Newport home anymore. He had been away from it almost as long as he had lived there. Would his parents even want to see him? Would Ryan?

Ryan. It had been so long. He missed his brother. He missed his mother and he missed his father. He missed her maybe more than anyone. Hell, he even sometimes missed Marissa Cooper. Only when he found himself drinking, alone, in a dive bar at one in the morning, did he find himself missing his life. That was when he was allowed to feel sorry for himself. That was when he was allowed to think of what might have been.

He didn't regret it though. Not really. Oh there were times, where he lamented how things turned out, but he always drank those thoughts away. For once in his life, he had made a decision that he didn't regret. A decision he was almost proud of. It had been hard, and he'd almost not done it, but leaving home at 16 had been the best thing he could have ever done for his family. He still believed that. Even if they'd never understand why.

He felt himself jarred into awareness as the bus ran over an especially nasty pothole. Caltrans seriously needed to get their act together. He couldn't believe how many times he'd thought he'd permanently bruised an appendage while traveling the roads of America. He stared out his window, watching the orange groves whiz by at 70 miles an hour. He was still at least three hours away from Newport, and every mile he moved closer, he felt himself grow closer to an anxiety attack.

He was going home. Home. He didn't know how to act. Was he supposed to be calm? Afraid? Happy? He didn't know and it terrified him. It was home, why was he scared shitless?

He pulled his jacket tighter around his body, suddenly feeling cold. He didn't even know if everyone still lived at the old house. He wasn't sure what he'd do if they weren't there. Would he just give up and go find himself a nice alley to while away the rest of his days? Maybe he'd finally give life a chance.

He still remembered the night he left as clearly as a crisp Newport morning. In many ways, in his mind, it had only happened yesterday. He had gone to see her. He knew he had scared her; he could see her surprise and fear even through the shadow and faint moonlight.

He had been waiting on her front steps. He wasn't sure how long he had waited, but he had waited for her his whole life, so one night didn't seem too much to ask for. Her date had dropped her off; it was like 11 or 11:30, Seth had never been entirely sure, but he still remembered clearly how he had thought how lame it was that her date didn't walk her to her front door. It was unromantic, it was unsafe. There could have been some psycho hiding in the shadows, just waiting to pounce on her unsuspected. Like he had.

She had been fishing in her purse for her house keys when she had looked up and saw him sitting in front of her. She had startled, let out a gasp, and took a step backwards. Seth knew how it must have seemed. Just sitting there, alone in the dark, waiting for her. It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't done her best to cut him out of her life. Before she might have thought it kind of sweet, albeit really really pathetic. Now it was creepy, it was bizarre, it was scary. People had made fun of him all his life about his supposed stalking of Summer Roberts, and for the first time, he figured they had a leg to stand on. But that was okay with him, because after tonight, she'd never see him again. So what did it matter if he confirmed every suspicion about him?

"Jesus, Cohen." She relaxed slightly, which made him relax in return. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you." It made him happy to see that she didn't seem to be as frightened of him as he thought she would be.

"In the middle of the night? Are you stalking me now?" She joked and laughed, but it was a weak laugh and Seth could plainly hear the skepticism and apprehension in her voice.

She had nothing to worry about. He was sure she knew that, deep down wherever her heart resided, but he couldn't blame her for being freaked out. He wasn't exactly acting normal, even for him. "Don't mean to scare you. I just wanted to see you."

"It's late. You couldn't have waited till tomorrow?" She took a step closer, her natural curiosity getting the better of her.

Seth leaned back, deeper into the shadows. He didn't want her to see his face. How it was bruised and bloody. He shook his head, sucking in a quiet breath at the waves of pain that attacked him at the harsh movement, but he fought them down. "Sorry, couldn't be helped."

They both became quiet after that. He hadn't been alone with her for many weeks, months even. Not since the beginning of the year. In some ways, he had nearly forgotten what it was like to just be in her presence. But he could never really forget her, no matter how much time they spent apart. This little foray was just to shore up his memories. And he had just wanted to speak to her one last time. "I just want to tell you that you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And you always will be."

Summer sighed and took another step closer. She moved into a group of shadows, making it too dark to see the annoyed frown on her face clearly, but Seth knew it was there anyway. "Look, Cohen, I thought we talked about this. You need to move on."

Seth dismissed her comment with a wave of his hand. "Don't worry, this isn't about that. I just wanted to tell you that one more time."

"Um, okay, well thanks I guess." There was quiet again and Seth heard the honking of a horn in the distance. "Do you think I can get into my house now? I'm tired."

Seth nodded his head. "Of course." He stood up. He had done what he had sought out to do. He'd seen her face, her body, even smelled her faint perfume. He'd told her she was beautiful. He was done. He slowly moved down her steps, giving her a wide berth. He might not have cared if she thought he was a crazy psycho, but he didn't want to scare her too bad by getting close to her. She had made her feelings toward him abundantly clear; he just hoped he had done the same. He passed her, as she was going up, turned his head away from her, and finally reached the sidewalk. He started walking away from her house.

"Cohen, wait." Her voice was soft and beautiful and he froze. He had always been a slave to her wishes.

"What?"

"Are you okay?"

He was genuinely surprised that she could sense something was wrong with him. She had done her best to close herself off to him, and she had never been that interested in his feelings to begin with. "I'm fine."

"You sure?"

He sighed and lowered his chin to his chest. He wouldn't turn around. If he did, he'd probably lose all his resolve. He was so pathetic. The slightest bit of interest paid to him and he was ready to just throw away all his plans. "Thank you." She'd never know how much it meant to him to hear she cared, if even a little bit, if even it was the kind of compassion she'd express for some stranger she met on the street. That was all he could say and he started to walk again. She didn't say anything, didn't walk after him, she just let him go. Just like he wanted.

He had gone straight to the harbor and climbed aboard his boat. It had been stupidly dangerous to take the _Summer Breeze_ out to sea at night, but Seth had never been one to think intelligently when he was in one of his moods.

The bus jarred him again and he focused his eyes on the back of the seat in front of him. A little boy, about six, was running toward him down the aisle. He appeared to be chasing a plastic ball and Seth smiled at the kid as he ran by. The kid smiled back distractedly but quickly refocused on his task.

He checked his watch. It was one of the few relics he had from his Newport days. It was a simple, rather cheap thing, which probably explained why he'd never hawked it before. It just wasn't worth enough to pawn. It along with Captain Oats were the only things he truly valued. He'd probably die to protect both, which he thought was rather pathetic. Die to save a plastic horse? He chuckled to himself at the thought, but knew it was true regardless.

It was time to take his medication, as he liked to call it. He couldn't afford real pain killers, so he reached into his pocket and pulled out a little baggie of generic knock-offs and popped four of them at once. The pain was getting worse; he had to take the pills at ever narrowing intervals. He was building up a tolerance, and he had no idea what he was going to do when the pain pills weren't enough anymore. He'd probably turn to alcohol again.

He checked his watch a second time. Still had a little more than two and a half hours to go. At least the pills took the edge off his anxiety.

* * *

He stepped out of the bus terminal and into the crisp ocean air. He ignored the looks from people walking by. He was used to them by now. He actually laughed and grinned, which only increased the glances sent his way. He looked like one of those Vietnam vets in the movies, with his unkempt beard, unruly hair, dirty skin and clothes that looked like they came straight out of an Army surplus store, which they had. He even had an olive green rucksack. He amused himself with thoughts that they probably envisioned he was crazy, talking and laughing to himself, on the brink from PTSD, and would snap at any passerby at any second because they reminded him of Charlie. Of course he was much too young to have ever been in 'Nam or any war for that matter. But he didn't mind playing to fears and stereotypes, especially in a place like Newport, where practically everybody came with preprogrammed judgments of normal behavior and attire.

He took a deep breath and felt himself smile. He had already set toward the beach. He couldn't help it, it felt good to be home. He felt some tension leave his body immediately, but he didn't relax. He hadn't relaxed in years, not since he'd been in St. Louis. He moved through the throng of people, still getting the occasional look, and ignored the passing cars and fading sun. He had decided that seeing his former home away from home would be good preparation for doing the real thing. It had been so long since he'd been on a California beach, let alone a Newport beach, that he'd forgotten just how incredible they could be.

There was something about walking along the beach, at twilight, that really affected him. He wasn't sure if it was the softening light, or the cooling wind, or the fact that the beach was more deserted at twilight than during the day, but it felt like a special experience that only he had.

It took him a while to reach the beach, but it had been worth it. He rolled up his pant legs and slipped off his boots. He had long ago traded in his beloved Chucks for shoes more practical to his rougher lifestyle. He hung the boots over his left shoulder, while his duffel rode along his right, and dug his toes into the moist sand. It was the greatest thing he'd felt in years. He walked along the tide line, looking out toward the ocean.

He couldn't help but think of why he was in Newport after all this time. He just wanted to see his parents one last time. Most importantly, he wanted to see Ryan one last time. They had not parted on good terms and he felt a deep compulsion that he could no longer ignore to make amends with his brother. He couldn't end things with Ryan hating him.

It was all so stupid. He had never grasped the gravity of what he was doing when he spent that night with Theresa. He knew that Ryan would be pissed, that he'd probably even hate him, but he had thought, mistakenly of course, that Ryan would be able to move past it after a while. But that had not been the case. It had been Ryan that had bloodied his face the night he saw Summer. It had been the disgusted and disappointed faces of his parents that still made it hard to sleep at night. But he didn't regret what he'd done. Not really. He still thought it was the best thing he'd ever done in his crappy life. How pathetic was that?

Ryan was huge now. A successful architect with his own firm at only 24; of course it helped to have the backing of the Newport Group, but he was still considered a success by any meaningful level. Seth had a scrapbook of all the articles, blurbs, anything related to Ryan, buried deep in his duffel. He had been compiling them for a few years now, and it was easy work. In no more than two years Ryan had made quite a name for himself and it was not uncommon for Seth to pick up a newspaper and see an article about the potential new vanguard of a new architectural renaissance in America. Ryan was no Frank Lloyd Wright, but Seth figured he had the potential to have the same kind of impact. But he may have been biased in that regard. Honestly, he just loved reading about how successful his brother was becoming.

Seth took no small amount of pride in believing he had played a large part in his brother's success. If he hadn't convinced Theresa to never tell Ryan about her pregnancy, Ryan may have never gone to college. He'd never have pursued his dream; he'd have been stuck in some aimless job breaking his back when he should have been exhausting his mind. At least that's what Seth had thought, those eight years ago, and he still occasionally held that thought to this day.

Of course now most of his confidence had long dissipated. Too much had changed, most of it negatively. Now he was pretty convinced he should have stayed out of it, let Ryan make his own choice, and not try to force Ryan into a situation where he didn't have all the necessary information. Things could have still turned out just as well, and his own life might not have sucked so much. But hindsight was 20/20 and it had taken nearly eight years of harsh reality to make Seth mature enough to reach that conclusion. That it wasn't his place, that he had been too self-involved to make a decision like that rationally. That he shouldn't have made it in the first place. He didn't regret that he'd done it though, not really, the results spoke for themselves, and even if his life was terrible, at least Ryan's wasn't. And that had long ago been enough.

* * *

He was finally here. It had taken eight long years, but he was finally home. He shifted his duffel from one shoulder to the other; his nerves were getting the better of him. He wasn't sure what to expect. He desperately hoped his parents would answer the door. He prayed they'd be happy to see him, that they wouldn't slam the door in his face or question why he was back. If it was Ryan, he figured it was a crapshoot. He was afraid Ryan would just hit him and refuse to let him inside. But it had been a long time, maybe it was true that time heals all wounds.

Before he could convince himself that this wasn't a good idea, he knocked confidently on the door. There was no immediate response, but that was to be expected. The house was so damn big, it was like trekking five miles just to move from one end of the house to the other.

After waiting for too long, he reached and pressed the doorbell. This time, he got a response. He heard a muffled voice from inside, he assumed telling him to wait. He didn't have to wait long as the door swung open.

Standing in front of him was honestly the last person he had expected. She was still as tall as he remembered, with slightly longer hair, but still the same golden color. Her features had matured a bit, and she was still beautiful. "Marissa?"

Marissa looked at him with a blank look on her face. It was clear she didn't recognize him. "Do I know you?"

What a loaded question. He hadn't thought he looked that different. He was like an inch taller, he was bigger, harsher around the edges and even with the beard, he didn't think he was as obscure as he apparently was. Either that or he had never made that big an impression on her. "I used to live here."

Marissa's confused look transformed into one of intense concentration. She leaned forward slightly, peering at him intently. He saw a light spark in her eyes and he smiled faintly. "Seth? Is that you?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**: Thank you for all those that read and reviewed. I appreciate your feedback very much. I wish I wasn't so busy, so that I could update this story faster, but life has other plans for me. Still, I hope you like this newest chapter. Maybe next chapter I'll finally add Summer and Ryan. Who knows?

* * *

Marissa's confused look transformed into one of intense concentration. She leaned forward slightly, peering at him intently. He saw a light spark in her eyes and he smiled faintly. "Seth? Is that you?"

Seth smiled, most of it hidden by his wild beard. "The one and only."

Marissa's eyes widened and her mouth slowly opened. She stood limply in front of him, one hand on the open door, the other hanging lifeless by her side. She stared. "Oh my God, Seth!" Marissa snapped out of her daze with a shake, her face reddening slightly, and began bouncing on her feet. "Oh my God! Oh my God!"

Seth smirked and dropped his duffle to rest by his feet. He shifted all his weight to the back of his feet and stood up a little straighter. He regarded Marissa steadily. She hadn't changed very much at all. "I think you're the first girl to ever get this excited to see me."

Marissa shut her mouth and glared at Seth, taking a step toward him and wrapping her arms around his frame. "I'm just shocked, that's all."

Seth sighed when he felt Marissa's arm around him. It had been so long since he'd had any genuine human affection, let alone felt the arms of a woman that actually wanted to touch him. "I can't imagine why." He squeezed Marissa back.

Marissa eventually pulled herself away from Seth. Seth shut his eyes briefly at the loss of the warmth of her body, but quickly opened them again and resumed his stiff posture. He wasn't here to get all sentimental. He had a purpose.

Marissa looked him up and down, frowning again. He obviously hadn't passed inspection. But she rolled her eyes and shoved him slightly. "Still the same smartass however. I guess some things never change."

Seth shrugged. "Can't help it. It's hardwired into my DNA."

Marissa rolled her eyes again and then pushed the door open farther. "Well come in."

"Where's Ryan?" Seth wasn't about to set foot inside the house without some kind of forewarning.

"Oh he's down in San Diego at some architectural conference." Marissa waved her free hand around the air. "I don't really pay attention to that kind of stuff."

Seth was both relieved and immensely disappointed. Ryan wasn't in town? Shit. What was he going to do now? He didn't think Ryan would appreciate him showing up out of nowhere and inviting himself into what was apparently his home now. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea."

"Believe me, Ryan would not be very pleased if he found out you dropped by but you disappeared again because I didn't make you stay here." Marissa then just turned around and began walking into the house.

Seth watched Marissa's retreating back and weighed his options. Enter or flee. He honestly had no clue which idea was more appealing. He had always considered the fact that neither Ryan or his parents would still be living in his old Newport home, but he had never really known what he was going to do if that turned out to be true. It was a very convenient excuse for not going through with things. A great out for when his inevitable bout of cowardice washed over him. Ryan out of town was just as good as not living there, as far as Seth was concerned. But it had been so long.

Ultimately, it came down to the simple fact that Seth was lonely. And tired. And desperate. He just wanted to be around someone who actually gave a damn for his well being and was willing to spend time with him. And while Marissa Cooper would have never been his first choice, or his second or third, she was at least a familiar face. That she hadn't rejected him outright as soon as she saw him was a big plus in her favor.

He saw Marissa's head poke back around the corner of the foyer and bark at him. "What are you waiting for? This is still your house you know."

Marissa disappeared again, which was good, as she missed Seth's breakdown. He gently closed the front door, hearing it click shut, and collapsed backwards onto its sturdy surface. His home. He still had a home. It overwhelmed him and his knees buckled. He slid down the door, feeling the decorative ridges of the door dig into his back, but he didn't care. He buried his face in his hands and sucked in a deep breath. His body wracked, he took heaving breaths, but he didn't cry, he wanted to but he just couldn't. He couldn't let himself go, couldn't let himself feel like that. Eight years and he was finally home. He was safe.

This house had been his safe haven. It had protected him for years from the harshness of the world. Protected him from Newpsies, water polo players, jealous boyfriends, angry bartenders, and whatever minions of evil lurking around the periphery of his life. It had been the place he met Ryan for the first time, had his first kiss with the presumptive love of his life, and the only place where he felt like he could truly be himself. He had been positive he had lost all that; lost the safety and the warmth. Most importantly, that he had lost the familiarity. He had been convinced he would never live a life of predictability again. No girl to come home to, no family to see, no usual bed to sleep in, and no well stocked refrigerator to raid. Just constant change and disappointment, nothing sure, nothing he could count on. Maybe he wouldn't have to depend on himself anymore. Maybe he could finally relax again.

Seth must have sat there, leaning against his front door, the door of his home, for too long. Marissa rounded the corner, searching for him, obvious annoyance in her questioning voice. He didn't look up as he heard her approach. He was too busy calming himself down. Her feet stopped and the house was completely silent; only his deep breaths could be heard clearly.

"Seth? Are you okay?" Marissa was quiet and afraid.

Seth watched Marissa take one step forward, then back, then forward again through the splayed fingers in front of his face. Reaching a decision, she took several steps forward and he felt her delicate hand land softly on his left shoulder. "It's okay, Seth."

Seth spoke into his hands, muffling his voice slightly. "I didn't think I had a home anymore. I forgot what it felt like."

Seth felt Marissa sit next to him and place her arm on his shoulders, leaning into him slightly. "You've always had a home, Seth."

Seth stiffened slightly at her words, and whatever anxiety that was left in him quickly dissipated. "Not always. Sometimes, just having a place to call home is not enough."

Marissa stiffened next to him as well and gradually her arm migrated off his shoulders. "Look Seth, I know I speak for everyone when I say that I am very happy to see you."

Seth finally pulled his face away from the protective shield of his rough hands and looked at Marissa skeptically. "Everyone?"

Marissa nodded once and leaned further into his body, bumping his shoulder with her own. "Yeah. Even Ryan."

"I find that a little hard to believe."

Marissa carefully pushed herself to her full height and held out her hand to him. "The floor is cold."

Seth smiled and after staring at Marissa's proffered hand he grabbed it firmly. "I'm kind of used to it."

"Well, I'm not." She helped pull Seth to his feet and then sniffed the air. A disgusted look overtook her face. "Jesus, Seth, when was the last time you had a shower?"

Seth rolled his eyes and lifted his duffel back to his shoulder. "I don't smell that bad. I do believe in personal hygiene despite my appearance."

"If you say so." Marissa sniffed again and shook her head. She spun around on her heel and for the second time walked into the house. Over her shoulder she encouraged him to follow.

Seth laughed and looked around the foyer. The house was just as he remembered. Big and spacious, lights brightly shining in welcome, warm. Stepping through the front door was like walking back to when he was 16 and his biggest concern was whether or not Summer had smiled at him or some random guy walking behind him. It was amazing how often he had managed to get that question wrong. But now, he was so far removed from those days that he could hardly remember them. His house was still his house. Thank God.

Readjusting the strap of his duffel on his shoulder, he tentatively walked forward. He still wasn't sold on the idea of staying here without Ryan. Why would Ryan even trust him? Wouldn't Ryan just think he was trying to move in on another one of his girls? But Seth was willing to give things a try, nostalgia was a powerful motivator.

He moved out of the foyer and approached the hallways that interspersed the house. He reached out and ran the tips of his fingers along the walls as he walked by them, closing his eyes.

"Mommy, who's that?"

Seth halted his movements and quickly yanked his hands back down to his sides. He opened his eyes and scanned the very large room in front of him. To his left was a very plush looking couch. He looked at the couch wistfully, its enormous pillows looking completely inviting. Sitting on the couch was a little girl, long light brown hair pulled back and resting on her back. She had a curious look on her face and Seth narrowed his eyes.

"He's a friend of your daddy, Kayla."

"How come I've never seen him before?"

Seth chuckled, but it was so quiet that he didn't think the two people in front of him had heard. He watched Marissa flounder to try and come up with an explanation that made sense to her daughter but she came up with nothing. She twisted her head to plead him with her eyes. Seth smiled, widely and obvious, and dropped his duffel to the floor, pushing it out of the way with his foot. He walked farther into the room and got a better look at his niece.

It was plain as day whose daughter she was as soon as he studied her. She had Ryan's eyes and his ability to pin you to the ground with a look. But she clearly took after her mother where it counted. It was like he was looking at mini-Marissa.

Seth wasn't sure exactly what to say, although he wanted to make a good impression. If Marissa didn't want her to know that he was her uncle, that was perfectly fine with him. He wouldn't push, and it was probably for the best. Who knew how things would turn out between him and his family, no need letting a kid get attached. Seth snorted slightly and he felt a strong urge to smack himself. Not that she'd get attached in the first place, but it was hard for his ego to let something like that go. He was Seth Cohen. He was _awesome_. Or at least, he used to be.

Still, he didn't have much experience dealing with kids. Who knew what the right thing to say was? "What's your name? I'm Seth."

The girl leaned forward from her perch on the couch and peered intently at him. Seth felt like fidgeting but forced himself to stay still. It was completely uncanny the way she looked at him. "I'm Mikayla, but everyone calls me Kayla."

"That's a pretty name." Seth leaned forward a little, lowering his voice conspiratorially. "Personally, I think Seth is kind of dorky."

Mikayla giggled briefly and she winked at him. "I agree!" Then she leaned back and laughed.

"Not afraid to tell it like it is I see. Definitely an Atwood." Seth tried to glare at the giggling girl, but she was too cute, all squirming body and open face. He couldn't find it in him.

Mikayla turned to her mother and grabbed her hand, pulling Marissa closer to her. Marissa was smiling relaxed and didn't resist her daughter's demand. "Don't you agree, Mommy?"

Marissa laughed and Seth rolled his eyes as she grinned up at him. "Oh yes, sweetie, I've thought that way for a long time."

Seth looked pointedly at Mikayla. "Watch it Cooper, I know stuff."

"Ha! What do you know? You've been gone since forever." Marissa was all arrogant haughtiness and Seth briefly felt tempted to prove her wrong, but he merely glared at her instead. "I knew it, you've got nothing."

"You know mommy too?" Mikayla was looking back at him curiously and most of the amusement from her eyes had drifted away.

Seth wasn't exactly sure what to say, but Marissa was still smirking at him, so he coughed into his hand, "TJ." It was all he really had.

Marissa's eyes widened and quickly looked between him and Mikayla spastically, clearly nervous. "Seth!"

It was Seth's turn to smirk now and he sat down on a chair across from the couch triumphantly. Marissa was glaring openly at him now and she had an arm wrapped tightly around her daughter, as if protecting her from him. Seth decided to address Mikayla's question as best he could. "I knew both your mom and dad a long time ago. We went to high school together."

"So you're like Lacey?"

Seth blinked and turned his head to Marissa, lost and confused. Marissa quickly supplied the information he was looking for by mouthing 'best friend' to him. Seth nodded his head in understanding and turned back to Mikayla. "Sort of. Your dad was like my Lacey."

Mikayla grew quiet and tapped her fingers along her leg. "How come you've been gone then?"

Marissa rescued him from answering that loaded question. "Come on, sweetie, it's time for bed. You can pester Seth tomorrow." Marissa pulled Mikayla off the couch and stood up herself.

"But mooom, I'm not tired and I don't pester!" Mikayla interlocked her arms across her chest and glared at her mother.

Marissa just ignored Mikayla's protestations and started leading her upstairs. "You've stayed up too late already."

"Fine." She jerked her hand out of Marissa's grasp and turned to face Seth. He just watched her amused. He could not believe that Marissa was a mother, or Ryan was a father for that matter, and even with the proof standing in front of him, it was still incredible. "Goodnight Seth." Mikayla walked upstairs, without her mother's cajoling.

Marissa turned her head over her shoulder to look at him and he laughed when she rolled her eyes. "I'll be back in a bit. Make yourself comfortable."

* * *

Seth had given up trying to sit still on the chair five minutes ago. He was no longer the antsy, hyperactive kid he used to be, but it still felt unnatural to sit in one place, doing nothing but trying to behave himself, for any length of time. He was used to moving, to acting, it was something he had grown accustomed to during his long trip. So now his head was buried inside the refrigerator searching for anything edible. Marissa had said to make himself comfortable. 

The fridge was packed full of foods Seth had forgotten even existed. Being on the road, frequently with only 50 bucks to his name, had led Seth to a rather limited palette. It wasn't like they had eaten gourmet food every night, but nowadays, fancy food for Seth was a hamburger at Applebees. Looking at the fridge just reminded Seth what a sad state his life was in and he laughed at himself as he tentatively pulled out a takeout container of Thai food. God, that brought back memories. Seth hadn't had Thai food in years.

He had just shut the door when Marissa padded into the kitchen. She took one look at the container in his hand and laughed, walking to the fridge herself and pulling out another container of food. The two moved to opposite sides of the kitchen island and ate quietly. After a few bites of the heavenly food, Seth felt compelled to break the silence. "Cute kid. How old is she?"

Marissa slurped a noodle into her mouth before answering. "Five. She turns six in January." Marissa thrust her chopsticks back into her container and pulled out more food. "And she's a pain in the butt."

"Takes after you I see?"

"Very funny." Marissa glared and pointed threateningly at him with one of her chopsticks. Seth did his best to look innocent. "Actually, she reminds me a lot of you. Or she reminds me of you if you were a five-year-old girl. I can't really decide which."

"I have been told I'm in touch with my feminine side from time to time."

"I don't doubt it."

Seth chuckled.

"I wish you had been there to see her be born."

"Really?" Seth was more than a little surprised.

"Of course. I mean, you and I were never that close, I get that, but you're family. You're her family and I think Ryan really missed not having you there."

"I can't believe you're a mom. Totally didn't see it all those years ago."

Marissa laughed and kind of lowered her eyes in embarrassment. "To be honest, neither did I. And let me tell you, having a baby in the middle of Freshman year is so not the way to go about college." Marissa drifted off, probably reliving some of her old memories. "But we had a lot of help with Mikayla those first few years and I think we did okay."

Seth chuckled as he thought of his mother. "I bet mom was thrilled to have a grandkid."

Marissa laughed with him and her eyes sparkled. "Kirsten has been awesome. She and Sandy have both been very supportive. You were a lucky kid."

"I know." Seth was quiet and contemplative. He could only imagine how much Hell he had put his parents through. He was such a selfish bastard.

"And of course there was Summer. Sometimes I think she loves Mikayla more than me."

"Who?" Seth eyes widened slightly and he wanted to hit himself. He could not believe he had just said that aloud. Was he stupid or something? Like Marissa Cooper, of all people, would believe he forgot who Summer was. It wasn't entirely his fault though, he had been trained like a Pavlovian dog to evade Summer at all costs. It was purely an involuntary reaction now.

Marissa appeared to share his disbelief. "I'm sorry, what?"

Seth was committed, so he carried on the ruse. "Summer who?"

Marissa stared at him like he had two heads and leaned toward him, completely amazed. "You can't be serious."

Seth shook his head and could barely force the words past his lips. "I don't know who you're talking about."

"You're shitting me right?" When Seth didn't respond, Marissa dropped her chopstick down on the counter in disgust. "Summer Roberts? My best friend since like forever? About this tall," Marissa held a hand up above her shoulders, "with dark hair, and a really big mouth?" Seth still pretended that he didn't know who she meant. Marissa continued on, "And oh yeah, the girl you've been completely obsessed with since you were 6."

That was too much for Seth, he couldn't do it anymore. It physically made him sick to pretend that Summer didn't exist. Most of the time he didn't realize he was doing it, which made it easy to go through with it, but now, with Marissa looking at him all betrayed and the disbelief clearly radiating from her, he was forced to face what he was trying to do. Indignant, he said, "I was not obsessed!" He had always hated how people said he was obsessed with Summer. Was it his fault that he was really observant and found every little thing she did completely fascinating and adorable? God, seriously. "And I was 8, not 6."

Marissa picked up her discarded chopstick and waved it at him triumphantly. "You really had me going there for a second. I don't think you're even capable of forgetting Summer. It's like one of the constants of the Universe."

Marissa was mostly right. Seth had never forgotten her, and never would. There had been times in the past eight years where he had not thought about Summer. He had his dry spells, usually when he was too drunk to walk straight or too poor to eat. Only in the good times did his thoughts center on the dark-haired girl that had crushed what was left of his meager spirit in high school. Which was kind of ironic that his thoughts of her carried such negative connotations, yet he really only thought of her when he was doing okay. He was never great, or even good, just merely okay. Maybe it was the idea of lost opportunity that really appealed to him during those times. Which again didn't make much sense, but Seth had learned long ago that his attraction to Summer was based on purely nonsensical terms. It had become the norm over the years to just deny her existence. He had done so out of necessity. He had to protect his psyche, and staying infatuated with a girl he could never have was just not healthy. Plus, Kat had never really appreciated his musings for another girl. And after Kat, it had become easier to deny Summer.

"God, I can almost imagine her face when I tell her you forgot about her." Marissa laughed for a good amount of time, nearly choking on her food in the process.

"Hey, maybe it's not a good idea to let her know? I'm sure she doesn't remember who I am."

Marissa calmed down and made sure to chew her food slowly and carefully. "Oh no, I've got to tell her. You being back is huge." Seth noticed that Marissa didn't say anything about Summer forgetting him. Did she just not hear him or was she trying to spare his feelings? "Besides, if you're going to hang around here, you're gonna have to get used to Summer." Seth looked at Marissa questioningly and she explained. "She visits a couple of times a week. She's Mikayla's godmother."

"Ah, well, I guess it's inevitable then."

"Pretty much."

They ate quietly again, and Seth actually felt a little more comfortable. This was completely new to him and yet it felt like he had never left home. And Marissa was surprisingly not annoying, a sharp contrast to how he'd sometimes viewed her before he left. "So you and Ryan huh?" Again, Seth felt like he had to say something. He couldn't stand the silence. What if Marissa was thinking about how this was a mistake? About how he was a terrible person, who smelled and dressed like a bum? What if she decided to kick him back out on the street? He couldn't let her dwell.

"Yeah. Got married just after we graduated from college."

Wow. Ryan was married. His brother was _married_. Seth couldn't even comprehend what that meant. Marriage? That was a completely foreign concept to him. For one to get married, one had to have a girl interested in doing so. With him. That would never happen. Hell he hadn't even been with a girl that he had considered cohabitating with let alone marrying. Well, except for one.

Ryan had a wife. He had a daughter. He had a family. His brother had grown up and changed a lot since he left. Seth could not deny the pain of regret that settled over him. He had missed everything. His niece being born, his brother getting married, his family transforming and expanding. He had been excluded from all that through his own actions, and what did he have to show for it? Absolutely nothing. He hadn't even finished high school.

"Guess my invitation got lost in the mail huh?" Seth tried to make his comment sound like a joke, but he couldn't prevent the bitterness from coming through.

Marissa frowned and looked at him concerned. "Not funny."

Seth bowed his head and shut his eyes. "Yeah. I know. Too soon."

"Ryan – we – wanted you to be there, but when we stopped hearing from Anna during Junior year, we, well, we thought something had, uh, happened to you."

Seth nodded his head once and sat down heavily on one of the stools. He pushed his still full container away from him and put his head into his hands. "That was a bad time for me."

"What happened?"

"I'd rather not talk about it." Seth sighed and lifted his head to glance over at Marissa. Marissa looked like she was about to object so Seth hurriedly cut her off. "It's not that I don't want to talk about it, like ever, but I'd really like to only go through it once." Marissa didn't seem very satisfied with his answer but she didn't push. He could clearly see the curiosity and desire to get answers from him written all over his face, but he was grateful for her restraint. "Speaking of which, where are my parents?" Seth craned his neck to look at the house, as if noticing for the first time that his parents were nowhere to be seen.

Marissa gave him one last look before standing up and putting her container of food away. "They moved back to Berkley after we got married. The house was kind of our wedding present from them."

"Wow, some gift."

"Yeah, well they offered to get us our own house, but Ryan insisted we stay here." Marissa shrugged her shoulders.

"He did?"

"He didn't want to move in case you ever decided to come back." Marissa stated matter of fact and looked at him with an almost accusatory glare.

"Oh." Seth didn't really know what to say to that.

"You know he's been looking for you. Both him and Sandy."

"He has?"

"There was a time after you first left where I think he was too pissed off to care. But when I got pregnant Senior year at Harbor he changed. We both changed, and I don't mean the whole 'we're high school kids who suddenly have to deal with a kid' cliché, but I just mean like _everything_. Ryan wasn't the same after Mikayla, his whole attitude changed."

"Wow, you are like, so old." Seth smirked and Marissa laughed, brushing her hair off her face. "Seriously, though, I had no idea."

"Yeah, well, whose fault is that?"

"I just, I thought he didn't want anything to do with me. None of them did."

Marissa didn't respond, instead standing up and pacing around in front of him. "I need to call Ryan. And your parents."

"Wait, hold on."

Marissa spun around and fixed him with a withering glare. "You have to tell them. You're not leaving without saying something."

Seth stood up and held his hand ups to ward against Marissa's ire. "You can wait to call them in the morning. I just want a chance to relax and get used to everything."

"Maybe it isn't about you, did you ever think of that?" Marissa slammed a hand against the counter top and Seth finally saw some of the emotion he was expecting to see when he first showed up at her front door. "God, do you have any idea what you've put them through? They deserve to know! Like now! Jesus, they don't even know if you're still alive."

"I'm sorry!" Seth backed away from Marissa, feeling his anxiety building up inside of him again. He pushed aside the right side of his jacket and his hand fumbled around for his bag of pills. He suddenly had a pounding headache and he needed it to go away. He pulled out his bag and nearly ripped the flimsy plastic open to pull out some pills. He shoved them into his mouth and swallowed them.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Marissa nearly screamed at him, her face contorted in a mix of horror and real anger. "Are you on drugs?"

Seth shoved his baggie back into his jacket and shook his head vigorously. "No! No, they're just for pain. Like Tylenol."

"Why the hell are you taking pain pills like they're candy?"

That was a good question. One he wasn't sure he could answer. "Um, I just need to, okay?"

"That's a shitty answer." Marissa calmed down a little, but her voice was still taught and hard. "You better not be using anything, or else I'll kick your ass out of here and fuck Ryan if he gets pissed at me."

"I swear to you I'm not using drugs. I've never used a drug in my life."

Marissa stared at him for what felt like hours. His brow was sweaty and he suddenly felt like his clothes were too tight. But he didn't bolt for the door, and he was proud of himself for lasting under her very skeptical eyes. "Fine, but if you're lying to me, so help me –"

Marissa never finished her sentence. He could tell she was as much at a loss for an adequate threat as he was for imagining what skinny, 100 pound Marissa could ever do to him. But then there was Ryan and that was a totally different circumstance. So he figured maybe it would be a good idea not to push Marissa.

Seth reached into his jacket and pulled the baggie out of his pocket again. He held the baggie out to Marissa. "Here, you can have them if you want." He really, really, really hoped she didn't take the bag.

Marissa sighed and seemed to relax. "No, it's okay. Just promise me that you won't do anything stupid while you're here."

Inwardly, he nearly collapsed to the ground in relief as he put the baggie back where it belonged. "I promise. And I promise to stay away from Mikayla too if you want."

For a few brief seconds, he thought Marissa looked ashamed because she was tempted to take him up on his offer and she turned her face away from him. "You don't have to, she is your niece after all. I just want to – I just – I don't know. This is all too much."

"Yeah, I get that. You know what? I'm really tired. Maybe I could crash somewhere, like the couch or something." God that couch seemed even more inviting now than it did an hour ago. "Maybe it would be best if I just got out of your hair for a while and let you process everything."

"That is actually a good idea. I mean it's a little early, but I could use some time to take this all in."

Seth nodded his head in assurance. "Yes, yes, exactly. So just point me in the direction of the couch and I'll get out of your way."

Marissa looked at him funny. "What are you talking about? The couch? You can't sleep on the couch."

"I can't?"

"Putting aside the fact that I'm not sure I want your grungy ass anywhere near my couch, when was the last time you even slept in a real bed?"

Seth blinked and thought about an answer. He really couldn't remember. "I honestly have no idea."

"I figured as much." Marissa seemed to come to a decision and she said, "Come on." And she walked out of the kitchen toward the stairs.

"I'm not sleeping in the poolhouse?" Seth had thought that's where she'd put him. It made the most sense to him. It was a part of the house, kind of, but far away to make sure he didn't contaminate the life she and Ryan had carefully constructed. "Where are we going."

"To your room."

Seth froze, one foot on the first step of the stairs. "My room?"

"Yeah." Marissa turned her head to look down at him. "You okay? You look kind of sick."

Seth swallowed and forced himself to speak. "I-I'm okay. I just, my room?"

"I wanted to change it, turn it into another kid's bedroom in case we had any more kids, but Ryan refused. He would always tell me, we have to keep it just how it is in case you came back." She became silent, then added, "Those fights weren't fun."

Seth sighed. Even when he was out of their lives he was screwing them up. "I just don't believe it. I never thought, hell, I don't know."

"Like I said, this is still your house." She started climbing back up the stairs and Seth was forced to follow her. When he crested the stairs, he saw Marissa standing in front of a very familiar door. She grabbed the door knob and turned. She pushed the door inwards and stepped inside.

Seth wanted to follow so badly, but he didn't think he could. It was something he didn't think he was ready for. He walked up to the threshold of the door and tried to step inside, but he stopped. He placed the palm of his hand flush with the door and closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. Everything was going to be okay. This was just his room. He took a tentative step forward. It was not quite as bad as he thought it would be.

Each step was easier than the last and finally moved into his room completely. He looked around the spacious place and felt the breath sucked out of his lungs. It was exactly the same. Nothing had changed. His map of Tahiti was still where he left it, his Rooney poster was still hanging on his wall, his computer, his bed, even his desk was still the same unorganized mess as when he'd left this place eight years ago. It was too much and Seth had to sit down. "I – I – I don't –" Seth suddenly felt like a scared, lonely 16-year-old kid again.

The bed shifted underneath him and he felt Marissa's hand land on his shoulder. "It's okay, Seth. It's okay."

It really wasn't. Too many memories were assaulting him. Too much longing and desire for something he was sure he had lost. Too much loneliness. He turned his head toward Marissa and did something he hadn't done in what felt like a lifetime. He cried. He pushed his face into Marissa's shoulder and the tears slowly began to trickle out his eyes. He was sobbing and Marissa rubbed his back with smooth, rhythmic circles. He was finally home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: As usual, thank you to all those that reviewd. I got more reviews for the second chapter, so that was very cool. I appreciate all your comments. I know that some of you are a little impatient to just get on with it and move into the meat of the story, but I think that a story that takes place this far in the future and has so much to history to discuss requires a lot of building up to. Don't worry, I am trying to move on as fast as I can. To help matters, this chapter has Summer and I tried to stay away from some of the heavy background information. Next chapter should finally introduce Ryan.

I must admit, I am not that fond of this chapter. While Summer is by far my favorite character from the show, I feel I just don't write her that well. I'm much more comfortable with Seth, so I hope this chapter satisfies.

* * *

Summer knocked on the door and then fished inside her purse for her cell phone. She needed to know the time. Looking at the screen she sighed and tapped her foot impatiently. She was going to be late. Why the hell had Marissa insisted she come over this morning? They usually met for breakfasts on Tuesdays and Fridays. Today was not Tuesday or Friday. "Come on, Coop." Summer muttered under her breath and knocked on the door again. She was going to be late for lunch with Nick.

Finally the door opened, Marissa's beaming face standing in the open doorway. "Hey, Summer."

"Finally, Coop! Do you have any idea what this humidity does to my hair?"

Marissa just rolled her eyes and moved to let Summer in. Summer gave Marissa one last glare, fluffed her hair slightly, and walked inside the house. "I don't see what the big emergency is. You seem fine."

Marissa waved a hand as the two of them walked toward the kitchen. "Oh there's nothing wrong with me. And there's nothing wrong with Ryan or Mikayla either."

Summer put a hand on her hip and stopped walking, renewing her glare from outside. "Then what's the big deal? You called me this morning, way too early by the way, to say you had some big news."

Marissa nodded her head vigorously, a smile slowly creeping onto her face. "I do. Believe me, this is huge."

Summer pursed her lips and gave Marissa an impatient look. "Out with it, Coop. I'm supposed to meet Nick in L.A. for an early lunch in two hours."

Marissa sighed and some of the mirth faded from her eyes. "You sure are a buzzkill this morning."

Summer sighed in response and forced herself to relax. There really wasn't any reason for her to get testy with Marissa. It's not like she'd never been late to one of her lunch appointments with Nick anyway. It was just that today he had something he wanted to discuss with her. At least that's what he'd told her last night. Her mind had been going crazy with all the different possibilities. It had taken her forever to get to sleep last night and she was more than a little anxious and apprehensive about what he might say. The fact that she was not anxious in a good way had only made her morning worse. She was pretty sure she wasn't going to be looking forward to whatever he suggested. She seriously hoped he wasn't going to ask her to move in with him again. Or God forbid, the other question. But she doubted he would ask that one during their weekly lunch. That was very little comfort however. "I'm sorry, Coop. This is just the day I have lunch with Nick."

Marissa frowned slightly and her face softened. "I'm sorry, I know. I completely forgot when I called you."

"It's fine, I should be okay if I leave soon." Summer regarded the enormous family room she was standing in. "This won't take long, will it?" There was something odd about the room. She couldn't ignore the feeling that something had changed since she'd last been here.

"I suppose not, although I'm not sure how much you'll want to leave once I tell you."

Summer arched a perfectly formed eyebrow. "Oh really?" She seriously doubted Marissa had news that big. Big news for Marissa usually consisted of something new and exciting Mikayla had done. And while Summer loved her pseudo-niece dearly and would do anything for her, she didn't consider her normal day-to-day activities to be of earth shattering import. Cute yes, but worthy of being woken up at 8 in the morning, no. Not that she didn't think it was completely adorable how much of a mom Marissa was, but seriously, sometimes even she found it annoying.

"Oh yeah. I am not kidding when I say that this will probably change your life."

Okay, so now Summer was intrigued. What the hell could Marissa possibly have to tell her that would actually change her life? And then her wandering eye processed the green duffel leaning against a wall in a corner and she snapped her fingers. "I knew something was different about this room!" She shifted her eyes to Marissa, pleased at finally figuring out what was bothering her. "Whose bag is that?"

Marissa turned to see what she was pointing out and she got excited all over again. "That's what I wanted to tell you!"

Summer shook her head and stared at the bag, trying to see if she looked at it long enough, its owner would pop into her mind. "Well spit it out, Coop!"

"Hey Marissa, are you sure it's okay that I use Ryan's razor?"

A voice drifted from the stairs and Summer spun around to see a man she'd never seen before. He was tall, with a wild head of dark curly hair. He had a completely unattractive beard that dominated his face, but his eyes were still very prominent. They were a very guarded dark brown. He was lean, not skinny, just all wiry muscle and defined edges. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and had on a pair of very loose pajama pants, almost as if he had bought them at a time when he had weighed considerably more. He had a towel wrapped around his shoulders.

An exasperated sigh escaped from Marissa and she walked over to stand in front of the man, a hand on her hip and the other resting on the stair banister. "I already told you three times it was okay."

The man blushed slightly, although it was hard to tell with all the hair in the way. "And I'm just saying, as a guy, I know I wouldn't be that happy if somebody completely destroyed my razor."

"For Christ's sake, Seth, it's only a disposable. Ryan has others." Marissa leaned against the stair banister. "Besides, I use his all the time."

"Yes, but you see, you have sex with the man. It's totally different."

Summer smirked when Marissa blushed at the man's comment. It was cute how Marissa still got flustered whenever the more intimate parts of her relationship were discussed. Summer liked to tease her all the time just to watch her friend squirm. She freely admitted she had a bit of a sadistic streak.

"Just use the damn razor." She huffed out a breath of air and glared. "I swear, if I have to look at that beard one more time I'll hold you down and shave you myself."

The man smiled and leaned toward Marissa, lowering his voice. Summer still clearly heard him. "Oooh kinky. I'm not sure Ryan would appreciate that."

Marissa let out a frustrated scream and shoved the man up the stairs, making sure he didn't stop moving. "Go!"

The man laughed and took several steps. He turned his head and yelled out, "And good morning, Summer!" Then he crested the top of the stairs and moved out of her sight.

Say what? How did he know who she was? She'd never seen him before, she was positive of that. Marissa appeared in front of her, shaking her head and muttering, but when Summer looked at her eyes, she could see Marissa was clearly amused.

"Okay, Coop, spill now. Why is there a strange man living in your house? And does Ryan know?"

"Of course. I called him last night. He totally freaked, like I've never heard Ryan so flustered and excited before. He wanted to come home right away, but he still had one more meeting this morning that he couldn't miss. I promised that I wouldn't let Seth leave even if I had to tie him to a chair or something." Marissa paused, thought about what she had said, and muttered, "Which the freak would probably enjoy."

Marissa was speaking so fast that Summer was having trouble processing the words. Ryan freaking out over anything was so hard to believe. He was practically unflappable. And wait a second, did she just say Seth? "Hold on a second, did you just say Seth?"

Marissa grinned wide and was moving into that stage Summer liked to call Marissa's funperkyannoyingtime. Marissa really should have been a cheerleader, because when Marissa got excited over something, she _really_ got excited. "Oh yeah."

"Seth?" Summer had to say the name slowly because she could not believe that the man she had just seen was the same person she was remembering. "As in Seth Cohen?"

"Yes! He just showed up here last night out of nowhere!"

"Ryan's brother Seth Cohen? The same Seth that has been missing for forever?"

Marissa rolled her eyes. "Yes, Sum, because Ryan has so many other brothers that have ran away for eight years."

"Hey! Give me a break here, this is huge news." It wasn't Summer's fault she was having such a hard time taking it all in. It was Seth freaking Cohen. Her mind had kind of shut down after she heard that.

"I know!" Marissa shrieked and there was a stupidly happy smile on her face.

"Why are you so damn happy?" Summer kind of grinded out her words. It was starting to annoy her how pleased Marissa seemed to be. But she was even more annoyed by the fact that Seth hadn't seemed to care she was standing not more than 20 feet from him for the first time since he'd left her on her doorstep all those years ago. Didn't he remember her? She remembered him.

"Because! This finally means Ryan and Seth can talk and Ryan can stop being a brooding jackass whenever something reminds him of Seth. I mean, finally! I have been waiting for this day for years."

Quietly, Summer asked Marissa, "Is he okay? He looked kind of rough." He had looked rough, nothing like the boy she remembered. For one thing, there was the beard, but she knew that could be taken care of. Then there were the scars that marred his chest. They weren't puffy or glaring or distracting enough to stop her from noticing how good he had looked, but they were still unsettling. And there was the fact that he was even slimmer than she remembered and yet still managed to have obvious muscles.

Marissa blinked and calmed down remarkably fast. Summer felt kind of bad for harshing Marissa's buzz, but she had to know. "Honestly, Sum, I don't think so. You should have been here last night, it wasn't very pretty."

"What's wrong with him?" Summer could think of a hundred things that were wrong with Seth Cohen. But none of them actually frightened her. She usually just found them annoyingly quirky and part of the whole Seth Cohen package. But – well, what if something was seriously wrong with him? Summer didn't know what to think about that.

"I don't know, but I don't think he's had an easy life these past years." Marissa lowered her voice, like she was afraid someone might overhear her if she spoke too loud. "He's taking a lot of pain medicine for God knows what and I don't think he's eaten very well in a long time."

Summer felt a small hole in her stomach begin to grow. Was he sick? The thought made her feel nauseous and she had to sit down. She walked over to the nearest chair and kind of just collapsed onto its cushions. She ran a trembling hand through her hair and tried to stop it, but she couldn't. "I should talk to him."

Marissa had a worried look on her face as she sat on the couch across from her. "You okay, Summer?"

"Huh?" Summer focused her eyes on Marissa and frowned slightly. "Oh I'm fine."

"Do you want some water?"

Summer gestured distractingly and turned her eyes toward the stairs. "You don't think he forgot about me do you?"

Surprisingly, Marissa laughed and Summer spun around to glare at her friend. "What's so funny?" She didn't think the idea that Seth had forgotten her was so amusing. It terrified her actually. There was no way he, out of everyone she had ever met in her entire life, would forget her. She had counted on that.

"You guys are so alike sometimes." Marissa laughed again. "Last night Seth said he didn't know who you were."

Summer felt her face drop and she moved a hand to rest on her stomach, trying to staunch the rumbling feelings in her stomach. She refused to believe it. There was no way she had remembered his pathetic, freakish, loser, desperate ass and he had forgotten her. No way. She actually felt like crying.

Marissa was laughing harder now. "Oh my God, the look on your face."

Summer burned, her face flushing hot. Why the hell was Marissa being such a bitch? Didn't she see how this was affecting her? And she was laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. "Shut the hell up, Coop!"

Marissa finally clued into the fact that Summer wasn't finding the whole situation quite as amusing as she did and she sobered. "Summer, he was lying! I can't believe you actually thought Seth forgot about you." Marissa said that like it was the most absurd thing she'd ever heard.

Summer was no longer hurt or depressed, but pissed. "Fuck you, Marissa!" She tried to make her words caustic and harsh, but she couldn't stop a bit of a chuckle from slipping through. Marissa's eyes just shined. "What was I supposed to think when I was standing in front of him and he didn't even look at me?"

"Hey, at least he recognized you."

Okay, Marissa had a point there and Summer hated that. She glared at her best friend and sat up a little straighter in her chair. She no longer felt like she couldn't support her own weight. "Oh ha-ha, Coop. It's totally not my fault. He looks like a homeless person!"

"Maybe because he is one?"

That thought deeply disturbed Summer and she said distraughtly, "You don't think –" She didn't know what to say. She couldn't finish her thought. She refused to. The idea that Seth might have been homeless, living desperately for all this time, made her extremely scared and sad.

"Yeah, I think so."

"That's – I don't know what to say."

Marissa nodded her head in affirmation. "I've tried a few times to get him to open up, but he just shuts me down. He's changed a lot from what I remember."

"Seth Cohen refusing to talk? Are you sure it's really him?"

Marissa chuckled but it was clear she didn't find the situation that funny. "I know." Suddenly her mood did a total 180 and she smiled. "Oh but you should have seen him with Mikayla. He was great. I mean, I kind of sprung her on him, and they didn't get to spend a lot of time together, but he handled himself better than I expected."

That didn't surprise Summer very much. She had always thought Seth would have been great with kids. Not that she had ever given much thought to the idea of Seth with kids. Not even a little. She just figured he would be great. If he ever had kids. With anybody. "It's probably because they're on the same intellectual level."

Marissa laughed, her eyes dancing. "You're so mean, Sum."

Summer grinned and looked toward the stairs again. "I'm just trying to be honest."

* * *

"What are you doing?" 

Seth was in very deep thought. So that was Summer, huh? She looked pretty fucking fantastic. Her hair perfect, her body amazing, her face still as beautiful as he remembered. But he didn't want to dwell. He couldn't. He had known that this was coming as soon as Marissa had mentioned her last night. It was inevitable he would run into her. He just had to make sure he didn't fall into the same trap he had as a teenager. He was not going to let himself become obsessed with her again. He had done it once before and it had practically ruined his life. Not again. So, while it had taken every bit of his will power to act nonchalant and unaffected when he saw her while talking to Marissa, he was going to keep his distance. He was a different person now and he was no longer in love with Summer Roberts. But God she had looked amazing.

Seth pushed that particular annoying thought into a far corner of his mind and focused on the task at hand. Namely shaving. He almost didn't want to shave his beard off. It had taken him a very long time to grow it, and it was almost a symbol of his resiliency against the world. It had been with him through a lot and it would be like erasing a part of his past. Which he figured wasn't actually a bad thing, so he forced himself to pick up Ryan's razor. Then the voice. Seth startled and dropped the razor he was holding in his hand into the half-filled sink. He dipped his hand into the warm water and pulled out the now slippery razor. He turned toward his questioner and his eyes widened slightly when he saw Mikayla standing just outside the now open door to the bathroom. He could have sworn he had locked the door. And how did she open it without him hearing?

He looked at his niece with admiration. She was a lot more stealth than he thought it was even possible for a five-year-old girl to be. She was dressed still in her pajamas, a simple violet ensemble. He was a little surprised she didn't have themed jammies, he thought every kid did; he still remembered his Star Wars pajamas from when he was five. But then Mikayla had been surprising him since he met her. She still looked a little sleepy, but she had a very curious look in her eyes.

"I'm – I'm trying to shave." At Mikayla's blank look he added, "Haven't you ever seen your dad shave before?"

Mikayla nodded her head, her hair swinging around. "Uh-huh. But you look like Santa Claus!"

Oh. Seth looked at himself in the mirror and moved his head around, trying to get different angles. He sort of did look like Santa Claus. Well, he at least had a beard that was somewhat similar. "Yeah, well, I also look like an Orthodox Jew. And while the old Jewish man living inside of me may be pleased at my newly found love for the Torah, I don't think your mother appreciates it as much." Seth knew he was rambling but the way she was looking at him was very unnerving.

"You're weird." She giggled and walked right up to his leg, looking up at him.

Seth smirked and reached down to pick up Mikayla, setting her down on the counter next to him. She laughed and squealed and he smiled at her. "Just because I'm weird doesn't mean I can't do this!" And he started to tickle her, causing her to laugh and squirm all over the countertop. Seth made sure that she didn't fall off.

"Stop! Stop!" Mikayla tried to push his hands away.

"Say the magic word." He continued his assault.

"Pleeeeeease!" Mikayla laughed the word and Seth gradually died down his lethal fingers.

"So am I still weird?" Seth couldn't help but feel triumphant. So he had won over a kid, so what?

"Yes!" Mikayla kind of contorted into a ball, expecting a renewal of hostilities. Seth just laughed. Realizing she wasn't going to be attacked anymore, Mikayla looked at him funnily. "What's an O-Ortodox Jew?" She couldn't quite pronounce the new word correctly and she frowned, her face screwing up, and Seth thought it was very cute.

"Oh he's just some guy named Malachi." Seth really didn't feel like going in-depth about the concept. Mikayla probably wouldn't understand it anyway. He barely understood. In an effort to change the subject, Seth sprayed a very large helping of shaving cream into his hand and spread it all over his face, making sure most of it covered his beard. "Now do I look like Santa Claus?"

Mikayla laughed and leaned closer, sticking out her hand to play with his now white beard. "Where's my presents?"

Seth snorted and danced out of reach of Mikayla's hand. She really was the daughter of Marissa Cooper. He was sure Summer had had some influence on her too. "I don't know, have you been a good girl?"

Mikayla crossed her arms and looked at him seriously. "Of course! I'm always a good girl, daddy says so."

"Well if daddy says so, then it must be true." Seth was only being partly sarcastic. He placed both of his hands on Mikayla's shoulders. "I tell you what, when I get done in here, I've got something in my bag downstairs to give you."

"Really?" Mikayla kind of bounced up and down and indicated she wanted to be put down on the ground. Seth obliged her. "I'm gonna leave you alone so you better hurry!" Then she ran out of the room, yelling for her mother.

Seth shook his head and turned back to look at himself in the mirror. He picked up the razor again and sighed. This was not going to be fun.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note**: Oh wow you guys, you are all so awesome. I got more reviews for Chapter 3 than I've ever gotten for anything I've submitted on this site before. Thank you so much, I can't tell you how much your words of encouragement mean to me. I've done my best to take what you guys have said into consideration. Here is some more Seth, Summer, and Seth/Summer stuff that I hope will make you happy. Please enjoy and feel free to give me any input you might have.

* * *

It was clichéd to be sure, but when Seth stepped out of the shower, he felt like a new man. It was becoming a tired litany with him, but it was still true, that he hadn't had a shower like that in a very long time. It seemed like everything he did since he got back to Newport was something he hadn't done in a long time. He wasn't sure if his memory was just terrible or his life really had sucked that much up to this point. Still, he had gotten used to showers with tepid or cool water, in a shelter or with a garden hose or some rusted out trailer in the middle of a Missouri wheat field. This had been an entirely new and refreshing experience.

The water had been scalding hot at certain points, and he had actually been able to adjust the temperature to suit his mood. It came out strong and constant and he had lost track of time. When he finally finished, and stepped out into the steamed up bathroom, he really did feel refreshed and almost reborn. His beard was gone, his face smooth and very sensitive to the flowing air around him. It had been months since he had shaved last and his skin wasn't used to being naked. He had even trimmed his hair a little, something he had learned to do a few years ago. It was like he had been transformed. All he needed to do was eat a decent meal and his attempt to live a different life would be complete.

He wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the bathroom door, watching all the steam rush out into the hallway. He made his way to his bedroom. His room. He kept repeating it over and over again in his head as he walked toward it. It was his. He opened the door and walked over to his bed where he picked up the cleanest set of clothes he had. It was not much. He pulled on a pair of faded, somewhat loose, jeans. He didn't bother much with underwear anymore, too much of a hassle and was usually a luxury he did without. To complete his simple ensemble, he slipped on a plain white t-shirt and some socks that he had found nestled deep in a nook of his duffle.

Slowly, he exited his room and ran a hand through his still wet hair. He wondered if Summer was still downstairs. He wondered when Ryan was finally going to show up. He wondered if his parents knew about him and if they were happy. He did a lot of thinking as he carefully made his way to the stairs. It was all he seemed to do these days. He strained his ears to listen, carefully, for any sign of impending problems. He heard Mikayla's excited voice, talking rapidly to her mother. He smiled. He really did like the kid. Ryan and Marissa had done good with her. He was an uncle with an adorable niece. It was kind of unbelievable.

He made his way into the kitchen and leaned against a wall, watching Mikayla bounce in her seat as she occasionally ate some cereal. She was just talking and talking, Marissa watching her with a fond smile on her face, and Seth saw what Marissa was talking about when she had said her daughter reminded her of him. Marissa's eyes connected with his and he smiled. She smiled back in return, her eyes wide and he knew she must have noticed his lack of beard. "Thank God."

Seth blushed slightly and lowered his eyes. "I figured it was the least I could do."

Marissa walked up to him and looked him up and down. "You do clean up nice. Although I think we need to get you some new clothes. Because this whole Kerouac chic you got going on just doesn't work for me at all."

Seth cracked a smile, his eyes lighting up. One of the few things he actually had in common with the woman in front of him. There were not many. "Kerouac chic? I never thought of it like that before, but I like it."

Marissa grinned. "I thought you would." She paused and looked at him again. "I know you hate being like every other supposed drone in Newport, but a 10 year old pair of jeans and a t-shirt may work for my husband, but not for you."

"Hey! This get-up" Seth moved his hand up and down his body, indignant, "is universal. Believe me." Marissa had no idea how many people out there in the world thought what he was wearing was the height of functional fashion.

"Okay, okay, so maybe you do all right with it, but we need to get you something else."

"I don't have the money to buy unnecessary clothes."

Marissa made a gesture of dismissal and circled her hand around her head. "I don't know if you've noticed, but we are not exactly hurting for money."

Seth looked down; he refused to look her in the eye. "That's your money, not mine." He had long ago lost his sense of entitlement and expectation that whenever he needed something he could just buy it. He had learned to save every penny.

"Fine. Then consider it a gift. Trust me, you need the clothes."

Seth sighed and looked at Marissa. Her jaw was set firmly, her eyes were uncompromising, her arms crossed in front of her chest. "All right." He didn't see much point in fighting further. He was sure he'd end up losing the argument anyway.

Mikayla was watching the both of them talk, an impatient look on her face. Seth was watching her in his peripheral vision, very amused. It must have been killing her not to join in. He knew it would have killed him as a kid her age to have people talk around him. Finally, she jumped out of her seat and ran up to him, tugging on his pant leg. "What did you get me?"

Seth laughed and shook his head at her single-minded focus. "Shouldn't you finish breakfast first?"

Marissa looked down at her daughter with disapproval. "Yes, she should."

"But I don't wanna! I want my present. You prooomised." Mikayla whined and tugged on his leg again.

"I did." Seth looked at Marissa and she shrugged her shoulders in defeat. "All right, come on."

They walked into the family room, Mikayla talking incessantly, asking him questions about what he was going to give her, where did he get it, she even started asking him who he was and what his relationship to her father was again. He was amazed at her unflagging loquaciousness.

He walked up to his duffel and pulled it to the couch, where he sat down and began to dig inside. He stuck his head inside the bag, searching in the dark interior. He felt the couch shift and he knew Mikayla had just sat down beside him. She grabbed his arm, pulling on it, obviously wanting him to hurry up. He finally found what he was looking for but he didn't pull it out quite yet. "What I have to tell you is very important so please pay attention."

He lifted his head to make sure that Mikayla did as she was told. Her eyes were focused entirely on him, she was being very still, and he could see how hard it was for her to restrain herself. "Now, before I give you this, I want to tell you a little bit about him, okay?"

Mikayla nodded her head. "This is something very important to me. He has been my friend since I was your age."

"Seth." Marissa's voice trailed off in a warning tone. It was clear she knew what he was doing, but he had made this decision while he was showering. It was time, and he could not think of a more appropriate person.

He ignored Marissa's voice. "He's a great listener and he will always be there for you. You can always count on him to give you good advice and he won't ever leave you."

Mikayla nodded her head again. She was looking at him intently. "Before I give you him, you have to promise me that you'll take good care of him."

Marissa tried one last time to put him off his plan. "Seth, she's _five_. I'm not sure you want to do this."

Seth ignored Marissa again. He'd had a lot of practice. "I got him not much older than you, so can I trust you to treat him with the respect he deserves?"

Mikayla looked very serious. She was composed and Seth had the impression that this was the most serious she could possibly get. "I promise."

"Okay then." Seth pulled Captain Oats out of his bag and offered it to Mikayla. "This is Captain Oats."

Mikayla very gingerly reached out and touched the plastic horse. She had a kind of awed expression on her face and she carefully took Captain Oats from his hand. Seth felt an immediate sense of regret as the horse left his hand, but he squashed that feeling. He was getting a little too old for such things, and while Captain Oats had been literally his only friend for most of his life, it was time the Captain had a chance to watch over the next generation. It was time he got to help another member of the Cohen family grow up. Seth had always hoped someday he'd give his favorite toy to his own child, but since he was sure he'd never have his own kids, Ryan's daughter was the next best thing.

"Now remember, be careful."

"I will, I promise." Mikayla carefully ran her fingers over Captain Oat's back, and leaped up to wrap her arms around Seth, hugging him around his neck. "Thank you, Seth!"

Marissa sighed and shook her head. "That's Uncle Seth, baby."

"Thank you, Uncle Seth!" Seth chuckled. Mikayla didn't seem to understand the distinction, but Seth smiled in gratitude at Marissa. It was nice to be called Uncle. Especially since Mikayla clearly liked her present and Seth felt pleased, like he had done a good thing.

Seth gloated at Marissa, who stuck her tongue out at him. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

"Mommy, stop. I promised."

Seth laughed and redoubled his gloating expression. "I can't believe it. Here less than a day and he's already turned my own daughter against me."

Seth leaned back into the couch as he watched Mikayla play with the Captain. "What can I say? The Seth Cohen charm knows no bounds."

"Oh yeah, say that to Summer."

Seth felt like he had been punched in the gut. His eyes closed and he felt a little dizzy. But he quickly recovered, faster than he would have years ago. It was like a flash, a sudden intense burn, which quickly dissipated. Marissa looked horrified at what she had said. "Ouch, low blow."

"I'm so sorry, Seth, I didn't mean it like that." She really did look stricken.

Seth forgave her quickly. It wasn't her fault, she had said it without really thinking. Besides, just because he wasn't used to interacting with Summer every day didn't mean she wasn't. He knew what it was like, sometimes the past disappeared, and sometime it came upon you in secret, just waiting for a moment to strike. It was unbidden like that. "It's all right, Marissa." Seth looked around the family room. "Speaking of everyone's favorite season, is she still here?"

"No, she had to go to L.A."

Seth shifted his attention completely away from Mikayla and to Marissa. He made sure to smile encouragingly every once in a while in his niece's direction; she was still seemingly enjoying herself. "Does she live there?" That was surprising. Seth thought that Summer, of all people, would never leave Newport. It was too much in her blood, too much a byproduct of the town.

Marissa suddenly looked nervous and avoided his eyes. "Ummm…well, yes and no."

Seth arched an eyebrow and brought a hand up to rub against his chin. He was so used to feeling hair underneath his fingers instead of bare skin that it was a little disconcerting. "That was delightfully vague."

"Ah yes, well, I mean, she goes to school there and she has an apartment there, but she also still lives here, and um, um –"

Seth rolled his eyes and encouraged Marissa, "Come on, Cooper, out with it already."

Marissa still wouldn't look at him, her face reddening slightly, but she did finish her explanation. "And her boyfriend lives there."

Oh. "Oh." That was it? Did Marissa think he hadn't already thought of that? Did she think he thought Summer had spent the last eight years sitting alone in her apartment, pining after some loser who had run away? Come on, he deserved a little more credit than that. Of course Summer had a boyfriend. A girl as beautiful and incredible a person as Summer Roberts was not going to go through life alone. That was his thing. "Is that all? I thought you were going to tell me that she like eats puppies or something." Then Seth chuckled at his own terrible joke. It was the best thing he could think of at the moment. So he was not quite the quick wit he used to be, so what? He was rusty.

Marissa laughed weakly and ran a hand through her hair several times. "I just thought – hell I don't know what I thought. You're right. It's been a long time."

Seth nodded affirmatively. "Exactly. Besides, it's not like she was exactly my biggest fan before I left anyway." And Seth looked at Marissa almost defiantly, as if daring her to argue with him. There was no refuting that statement in Seth's mind.

"That's not true, Seth."

Seth didn't want to hear it. Marissa was contractually obligated as Summer's best friend to defend her, but he knew the truth. There was no point in rehashing it and he really didn't want to watch Marissa flounder while trying to find some way to justify Summer's actions. "It is true, Marissa, and you know it just as well as I do. But look, that's all in the past now. I have done my best to get past it. I don't care if she has a boyfriend, a husband, whatever. She can do whatever she wants. In fact, I'm happy for her that she's found somebody. So you don't have to worry about me. I stopped – well, I stopped looking at Summer that way years ago." Seth sucked in a deep breath, calming himself. He had started to really get upset near the end of his speech and he had to remember that he was supposed to be acting unemotional and indifferent about the whole thing. Plus Mikayla was still in the room and it wouldn't do for her to see him get angry at her mother. So he calmed.

Marissa looked at him wide eyed and nodded slowly. "Ooookay, I can see that you're clearly over it."

Seth glared at Marissa and discreetly made an angry gesture in her direction. "Oh stuff it Marissa, regardless of how 'over it' I really am, I am soooooo not going down that road again. I learned my lesson the first time."

"That's good, because I think she really likes this guy." Marissa made a face and Seth instantly knew she was lying. But he didn't push the issue, because he didn't care. He didn't. No matter how much Marissa might think he did. Or how much hearing Summer might not be happy stuck with him. He didn't care.

"Better him than me." And the sad thing was, Seth actually meant that. He really did think he was better off unattached to Summer. She had destroyed him once, and never again. His urge to protect himself was too strong. "But enough about that, what's for breakfast?" He smiled cheekily at Marissa and she rolled her eyes.

* * *

Summer rushed into the restaurant completely flustered. She was only about 10 minutes late, which actually wasn't bad for her. Usually when she was late for her lunch appointment with Nick, he had to wait 20 or 30 minutes. She wasn't exactly known for her punctuality. Okay, so that wasn't true. She was very punctual; Marissa would call her anal retentive and just a little bit OCD, but Summer just figured it was part of her desire to constantly be in control. But with Nick, she just didn't care. He was Nick, that's all. Sometimes she questioned why she was even with him in the first place.

It wasn't that she didn't like the guy, she did. Well, kind of. He was attractive, very successful, smart, sort of funny, and he treated her with the kind of adoration she was accustomed to. But still, she didn't really know why. She knew that she didn't have a future with him, that she was positive of. They had been together for nearly a year and they might as well have been dating a week for all the connection Summer had developed with him. She often felt like she was in a holding pattern, simply waiting for the person she was supposed to be with to come along, and she just stayed with Nick so she wouldn't get bored and lonely.

She was just following her SOP. There was a very careful pattern she had developed over the years. Find a guy, date him for a while, typically a year, maybe a little more, then break up with him once she got tired of his desire to get more serious. Rinse and repeat. And who wouldn't want to snatch her up, she was a great catch?

She didn't get too attached to anybody; it was totally against her policy on dating. She wasn't about to let herself get hurt like that, or ever appear that vulnerable with a guy. She had seriously considered breaking all her rules once, but she had screwed up that opportunity like she tended to screw everything else up in her relationships. And of course the one person who could mess with her mind, make her rethink her entire life plan, and lose all rational thought had just walked back into her life. The bastard.

So it wasn't because she was late that she found herself out of sorts, it was of course because of Seth freaking Cohen. God damn him. Him with the oddly enticing wild hair, scrawny body that wasn't so scrawny anymore, and piercing eyes that always made her feel as if he wasn't just looking at her, he was looking inside her. He had always had the ability to pierce all her walls and leave her naked before him. And not in the way she still occasionally dreamed about. Why the hell did she still have to find him so damn hot? Seeing him without his shirt, even if she hadn't recognized him at first, was probably the worst thing that could have happened to her. She would never understand why she was attracted to Seth as much as she was, as he was pretty much the opposite of her type, but even after eight years and countless boys, she had yet to meet anybody who even came close to generating the kind of feelings he created inside of her. It was totally nonsensical but she couldn't deny the fact that it was a hundred percent true. And now he was back, partially in her life, and she had no idea what to do.

She hadn't even wanted to go to this stupid lunch when she had left Marissa's, but she thought she had to because Nick wanted to talk about something "important". Whatever the hell that meant. Staying at Marissa's and talking to Seth was important. Finding out what the hell had happened to him was important. Getting him to actually acknowledge her was important. Nick's stupid lunch wasn't important. If he asked her to move in with him again, she couldn't be held accountable for the resulting rage blackout.

She weaved past lunch tables, with quietly talking customers, and searched for her boyfriend. She found him in a corner booth, typing away on his blackberry. She rolled her eyes at the sight and slowly walked toward him. She had to speak up to get his attention. "Hey."

He looked up, startled and set his phone down on the table. "Oh hey."

Summer sat down and slid to where she was at a 45 degree angle from Nick. "Sorry I'm late, Marissa had something important she just had to tell me." She made sure to roll her eyes and infuse her voice with just enough frustration to make it sound believable.

"It's all right, I'm kind of used to it by now." He flashed her a quick smile and looked at his blackberry one last time before slipping it in the pocket of his suit jacket. He reached out and placed a hand atop her own. "I'm just glad you're here."

Summer nodded absentmindedly, pulling her hand out from under his and picking up her menu. Straight to the point, that's how she liked things. "So you wanted to talk about something today?"

Nick sighed and picked up his own menu. "Well, I was hoping we could talk a little first before getting right into that, but I guess we can just do it now if you want."

Summer folded her menu and set it down; she already knew what she wanted. She put her hands primly in her lap and stared expectantly at her boyfriend. "Let's get it out of the way so we can enjoy the rest of lunch." She attempted an encouraging smile at the end, but she didn't think she was very convincing.

"Fine." Nick was silent as he stared at his menu. Summer wasn't sure if he was sulking or actually looking diligently for something to eat. After taking considerably longer than her to decide on a choice, he put his menu down and looked directly into her eyes. She shifted in her seat a little nervously, but managed to maintain her mostly impassive stance. "I guess I'll just get right into it then." He paused and took a deep breath. "The firm is sending me to London," he paused again and this time he looked at his silverware, "and I want you to come with me."

Summer had no idea what to say. "Excuse me?"

Nick still didn't look up from his fascinating fork. "It's part of an exchange program they have with their international offices. It's supposed to foster improved relations between different cultures and nationalities within the company as a whole. And to help increase productivity and all this other bullshit that I don't really understand." Nick finally looked up from his fork and locked eyes with her. "It's only for four months."

Oh, well if it was only for four months, then okay. Summer wanted to smack her boyfriend. Hard. "Four months!?" She exclaimed a little louder than she meant to and flushed when she saw some of the nearby lunch patrons looking at her. "Four months? Are you serious?"

Nick nodded his head enthusiastically. "Look, I know you've said before you didn't want to take things too fast with us, but we've been together for 10 months now and I think this would be a great experience for us. Together." He was smiling hopefully at her and she felt terrible for instantly hating the idea. But she couldn't help it, she didn't want to leave her home and family for that long.

She carefully thought over what she wanted to say. She didn't want to go, but she didn't want to ruin things by saying no, so she had to make sure she worded her response carefully. Which was kind of pointless as she seriously doubted their relationship would last four months apart anyway, but she didn't want to break things off if she could help it. "Nick, I can't leave here for four months. You know that. The new quarter is just about to start and there's Marissa, and Mikayla, and my father, and so many other things." And Seth, but she didn't say that part out loud. She wasn't stupid.

"That's what's so great with this program though. You can take classes in London and they'll transfer back to UCLA. I looked it up." Nick looked very proud of himself. Summer frowned. If he was right, then her biggest objection didn't have as much weight to it as she thought. Maybe four months in London wouldn't be so bad. She'd be away from Seth at least. But then she didn't want to be away from him. God, she was so confused.

"They'll transfer?"

"Yes! And we'll have our own place, completely provided for by the firm. And remember, Paris is only a tube ride away." Summer had to smile at that. Nick did know her weak spots.

"So we'll be living together."

Most of Nick's enthusiasm died away and he began looking worried and apprehensive again. "Yeeeah. But think of it this way, it's only four months. It's not permanent. It's the perfect situation to find out if we're compatible like that."

Summer fiddled with her fork and thought about it. Nick was right, it was a pretty good set-up. She looked at him critically. He was damn cute; he had beautiful blue eyes and short black hair that provided a fantastic contrast. He was taller than her, which she loved, and she had yet to tire of running her fingers over his body, of feeling his skin ripple under the tips of her fingers. He was smart and had life goals, which she found very attractive. She liked knowing that her partner wanted something out of life and wasn't afraid to get it. And he was nice and treated her with respect, which too many boys in her life had failed to do. It wouldn't be that bad to give him a shot, to see if maybe he was the one she had been looking for. Plus, the shopping. Oh the shopping she could do in London and Paris. It was almost too tempting to pass up. "I'm not making any promises, but I'll think about it."

Nick smiled brightly, his whole face lighting up. She had never created that kind of happiness in him before and she was a little taken aback. "That is fantastic. Thank you so much, Sum."

* * *

Seth sat in the lawn chair completely relaxed. He had a Mountain Dew in one hand and a phone in the other. Mikayla was laughing and playing around in the pool and he had promised Marissa that he would keep a careful eye on her while she went to the grocery store to buy some much needed supplies since he was living there now. Seth was mildly surprised that Marissa had left Mikayla completely alone and in his care, especially after her freakout the night before, but whatever problems she might have initially had with him being around her daughter seemed to be gone.

Seth was certainly not about to jeopardize that trust. He had spent about 20 minutes playing with Mikayla in the pool, which had been quite an experience itself. He had forgotten how much fun a pool could be. He had quickly opted out of the pool experience though and moved to watching from the sidelines. He wanted time to process everything and think about all that had happened over the last 18 hours or so. It was a lot to go over.

Mikayla didn't need him to entertain her anyway. She seemed perfectly content to play with Captain Oats in the water, something he had initially been against, but she had convinced him that she would make sure that the Captain didn't drown. After that, he just made sure she kept her floaties on and didn't get too close to the deep end. He was actually kind of bored, and for the first time in his entire life, Seth had never been happier or more content to be as bored as he was. He had no worries, besides the ones in his head. He didn't have to worry where he was going to sleep tonight or if and what he was going to eat or if the guy that had been following him for the last 10 minutes was going to rob him and leave him dying in an alley. He just had to make sure his niece didn't drown, which was a nerve-wracking experience, sure, but he still felt very comfortable around the water and he was confident he had the task firmly in hand.

He smiled as he watched Mikayla and Captain Oats perform an especially acrobatic maneuver and then shifted his attention to the phone in his hand. He needed to make a call. He had wanted to call his parents, but Marissa had already done that and they were reportedly on their way down. The earliest flight they could get was for later in the evening, and Seth was doing his best not to let that can of worms bother him at the moment. He wanted to savor this time with his niece as much as possible. But he still needed to call Anna.

With a sigh, he turned the phone on. It was now or never. He still remembered the number she had given him years ago, and he worried that it was no longer good. There was only one way to find out. He heard a dial tone and then it rang four times. Somebody picked up and he sucked in a deep breath, unsure of what to say. "Hello?" It was a man's voice and Seth froze. "Hello? Is anyone there?"

"Um, yes, sorry. Is Anna Stern there?" He hoped she would take his call.

The man's voice turned friendly. "Oh, sure. May I ask your name?"

"Um, it's Seth. I mean, Seth Cohen."

"Okay, just give me a second."

Seth waited and he waited and he waited. Mikayla asked him a question, he answered and she went back to playing happily. The phone was still glued to his ear. Suddenly there was screaming. "Seth!? Oh my God, Seth? Is that you?"

Seth had to pull the phone away from his ear about an inch. "Whoa, Anna, too loud."

Anna lowered the volume of her voice but her enthusiasm had not faded at all. "Oh my God, it is you! Are you okay? Where are you?"

Even after all their time spent apart, Anna still made him smile. It was kind of sad, but in a good way, that Anna was his only real, human, friend. She was his longest friend. She was the one person who he believed really understood him, who got him in a way nobody in his life had even tried to. He missed her. "I'm fine, Anna, good actually. I'm back in Newport."

Anna gasped and there was silence on her end for a while. "Seth, that's amazing! You've seen Ryan?"

"Not yet, but I will soon. He's been out of town."

"Oh Seth, I'm so happy for you! I knew you would come to your senses eventually and make the right decision."

Seth chuckled and felt himself relax a little. Talking to Anna was easy, even if he had been a complete asshole the last time he saw her. "Well you know me, without you to guide me along, I'm hopelessly lost."

He knew Anna was grinning now, could even hear it in her voice. "I have been telling you that for years, but do you listen to me? Of course not!"

Seth's smile faded and he became a little more serious. "Yeah, speaking of – " He never finished.

"No, Seth, it's okay. Not now, all right?"

"I need to say something, Anna!" He needed her to know how sorry he was. He needed that.

"You can tell me when I get to Newport."

Seth blinked and leaned back to look at the phone in his hand as if it had suddenly transformed into something bizarre. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Yeah, I'm booking my flight right now."

"Anna, no, that's not necessary. I can't ask you to do that."

"Are you kidding? I haven't seen you in four years. I need to make sure you're okay myself." She paused, and the silence between them was very uncomfortable. "You don't think I trust you to make that assessment yourself do you?" It was a subtle reminder of the last time they had spoken to each other and Seth winced.

"I – I'm sorry, Anna." He practically whispered the words, but they were full of all the regret and sorrow he felt.

Anna sighed. "Not now. Later, I promise."

"Okay." He didn't know what to say.

"You just better make sure you're still there when I show up."

"I promise, Anna." No matter how much time passed, no matter how much distance there was between them, hell, no matter how much he had genuinely changed, he was still compelled to follow the orders of certain women and Anna was near the top of that list.

* * *

Seth collapsed onto the couch with a heavy sigh. He was exhausted. Chasing Mikayla around was a full time job, he didn't know how Marissa and Ryan did it. Just putting her down for her nap was like running a marathon. The girl was relentless in her stalling techniques. But he had finally managed to get her to succumb. If there was one thing Seth understood, it was the mind of a child. It helped that he still was one in a lot of ways.

He limply picked up the controller to the TV, turned it on, and wondered where the hell his sister-in-law was. It didn't normally take this long to go grocery shopping, did it? Seth tried to remember back to when he was 16 and his parents went shopping. How long had it taken them? Maybe she was buying out the whole store. He wouldn't put it past her.

And then he heard the front door open and he yelled out, "Finally, Marissa. I was starting to worry you'd ditched town this time."

He turned down the volume of the TV and waited for Marissa's sarcastic reply. There was nothing. Confused, and slightly worried that somebody may have just broken in, he craned his neck to see what was going on.

Oh shit. Ryan was standing not more than 20 feet from him, a blank look on his face. Seth quickly scrambled to his feet, putting as much distance between the two as possible. He held his hands close to his sides. "Oh h-hey Ryan, you're not Marissa." Seth let out an exaggeratedly fake laugh. "Oh this is a little awkward."

* * *

**Author's Note**: Now before you get mad, just remember I only said I'd introduce Ryan in this chapter, not that I'd do anything else. Heh. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note**: As usual, thank you very much to all those who reviewed. Your comments have been greatly appreciated and I am definitely taking what some of you have said to heart. First, I know many of you are anxious for me to get on with the Seth/Summer part of the story, so don't worry, next chapter should have a very heavy focus on them, with actual _interaction_. Second, to those of you who want to know where the drama is, I only ask you to give me time. A story like this needs careful preparation and buildup; I've got to lay the groundwork for everything right now. But this should be the last of the major background chapters and from here on out I should be moving the plot along at a brisker pace. And if this chapter doesn't have enough angst for you, I will try to do better in future chapters.

I don't know how many of you are watching _Chuck_ on NBC, but if you aren't, I urge you to start because the show is totally awesome. Not only is it a Josh Schwartz produced show; not only is it hilarious and nerdalicious; not only does it have very hot ass-kicking spy chicks, over the top action, and Adam Baldwin; not only is it probably the best new show of the season; but beginning this upcoming Monday, Rachel Bilson will guest star in the first episode of her multi-episode arc on the show. You can never have too much Rachel in your life, so tune in. Watch _Chuck_ (and any other favorite show) while you can folks, because _Chuck_ still hasn't been picked up for a full season order and if this strike goes long, it may never get that order. So watch.

Oh, and also, I feel compelled to remind people that this is an alternate universe tale and as such, there are a lot of things different between this story and what happens on the show. This includes event that took place during the first season, even if this ostensibly takes place post Seth's Season One boat trip. Please keep an open mind.

**Warning**: This chapter contains liberal use of foul language. I'm giving you fair warning now.

* * *

Oh shit. Ryan was standing not more than 20 feet from him, a blank look on his face. Seth quickly scrambled to his feet, putting as much distance between the two as possible. He held his hands close to his sides. "Oh h-hey Ryan, you're not Marissa." Seth let out an exaggeratedly fake laugh. "Oh this is a little awkward." 

Ryan set his briefcase down near his feet and folded his arms across his chest. He regarded Seth with a cool, nearly impassive look. His face was simply a wall; Seth had no idea what he was thinking or planning to do. As nonverbal and uncommunicative as Ryan could be, Seth had always been able to read him fairly well. Now, he was getting nothing. It freaked him the fuck out. He started to babble, it was the only thing he could think of. "Okay, so Ryan, buddy, my brother, I know it's been a while, and things between us didn't exactly end on a high note, but I am here to make amends, to place things in their proper order, if you will. I mean, I just don't want to fight with you anymore. Okay, Ryan, okay?"

"Seth, shut up."

Seth snapped his mouth closed and shifted his feet very nervously. It was almost like old times, him babbling nonsensically, Ryan just letting him ramble until he got fed up. All he needed now was the Look and, wait, oh there it was. It was like he'd never left. "Ryan, I just need you to understand that – "

"Seth, I said shut up." Seth did as he was told once again. "I have something I need to say to you. I've thought over it for a very long time, and I wasn't sure I'd ever get a chance to say these words." Ryan took a breath and looked at Seth steadily. "I forgive you and I'm sorry."

"Y-you forgive me?" Seth's voice squeaked in disbelief. His whole question had been embarrassingly high pitched. Seth didn't believe it. Ryan forgave him? No way. No fucking way. "No, Ryan, no, this isn't right. And why the hell are you apologizing, you didn't do anything."

Ryan took a slow step forward and Seth couldn't stop himself from taking a step back. "Because of that." He motioned toward Seth clearly frustrated. "You're afraid of me."

Of course he was! The last time they had been in the same room together, Ryan had beat the shit out of him. Not that he didn't deserve it. Well, technically he didn't, but Ryan thought he had, and his adopted brother had always had a bit of a short fuse. "No, I'm not afraid of you per se, just the bad memories this situation brings up."

Ryan nodded his head, his shortly cropped hair unmoving. His facial features softened the tiniest amount and some of the tension left his body. He was looser and Seth eyed him warily. "And that's my fault. I should have never hit you. No matter what you did, I should have never tried to hurt you."

Try? Jesus, Seth was afraid to find out what would have happened to him if Ryan had actually _succeeded_ in hurting him. Seth shook his head vigorously. This was not going how he had imagined. He had always thought if he ever saw Ryan again, he'd have to get on his hands and knees to beg for forgiveness, and to make himself appear even more feeble than he already was so Ryan wouldn't kick his ass again. It was one of the many reasons why he'd put off this confrontation to now; he didn't want to supplicate himself like that. Yeah, he was generally pretty pathetic, but he did have some pride buried deep within him. It had never entered his mind that Ryan would ever apologize to _him_.

He should have realized though. Ryan with his savior complex. Ryan with his tendency to blame himself for things he had nothing to do with. How many times had he tried to stop Seth from doing something stupid and gotten himself in trouble for it? Donnie for one, Mark May for another. And those were just the two Seth was remembering at this moment. Of course, Seth would never forget the Mark May incident; it had been the catalyst for this whole clusterfuck.

"Okay, Ryan, no, you're wrong. I'm just – I'm just, you know me, I have a natural aversion to bodily harm. That's all. I mean, I mean, I didn't exactly leave on friendly terms." Shut up, Seth! You're making things worse. Seth winced and tried to backtrack. "Not that I didn't deserve it, of course I did, and you don't have to apologize for that, because it was my fault." Seth quieted and looked at the ground. "I deserved it."

Seth had sworn, made himself promise, that if it was the last thing he did, he would never tell Ryan the real reason why he had spent that night with Theresa. Seth still wasn't sure how Ryan would take the news and there was always the possibility that Ryan's reaction those years ago had actually been restrained. Seth could only imagine what Ryan would do if he learned the truth. It could be Armageddon. Or he might reluctantly say that Seth had done him a favor. He seriously doubted the latter though. That just wasn't Ryan's style.

"Seth, if we – if I hadn't hit you, you would have never left."

"Nah, man, you know I can't stand confrontation." Seth looked up again and made an attempt to look Ryan in the eyes, but it was now Ryan who was avoiding him. "I would have hightailed it out of here anyway. It's what I do." Seth was very bitter, because what he had said was true. Running was what he did best.

Ryan took a hesitant step forward, and this time Seth forced himself to stay where he was. Encouraged, Ryan took more steps and shot him a grateful smile, well, the equivalent of a Ryan Atwood smile. It was more like a twitching of the lips, but Seth still knew his brother well enough to interpret at least that much. "Seth, I'm just – I'm sorry. So much has happened since you left that you never got to see and I can't help but feel I'm responsible. I'm so sorry."

Seth couldn't take this any longer, it was only making him feel worse and his guilt feel like an even heavier burden. Like he didn't already have eight years of this shit weighing on his mind, now he had to deal with Ryan apologizing to him? Not cool at all. "I never had sex with Theresa!" Whoops. Well there went his plan to take that to the grave. He just couldn't take the look on Ryan's face anymore.

Ryan froze, all forward momentum gone. His face just went completely blank, his eyes almost dead, like there was no life or anything in them anymore. Seth was afraid that he had just broken Ryan. "Ryan, hey, are you okay?" Seth took a tentative step toward his brother. Seth still felt like a wounded animal, he wouldn't hesitate to bolt for the nearest exit if things went pear shaped. Fortunately, there was still quite a bit of distance between them, and while Seth wasn't sure moving closer was a safe maneuver, he needed to make sure Ryan was okay. "Ryan?" He still walked closer.

Ryan seemed to snap out of whatever catatonic daze he had been in and his eyes halted Seth's movement. They were alive and full of a deep sense of regret and pain that made Seth close his own eyes. And there was also anger, a fury that made him unconsciously take a step backwards. One step forward, two steps back. It was how they did things now. "What the hell do you mean you never had sex with her? I – I saw you!"

Ryan's hands clenched into fists and warning sirens went off in Seth's head. Oh shit. Oh shit. It was like he was flashing back to that afternoon when he had confronted Ryan about the Theresa situation. Oh shit. "Um, Ryan, um, I mean that we never slept together. I mean, we shared a bed, you see, but that was all."

"No Seth, no, don't tell me that."

Seth sighed and ran a very shaky hand through his hair. He looked away from Ryan to the front of the house. Where the hell was Marissa? He needed her, like now! "But Ryan, it's true, we never did anything. Hell, I don't even know if she's an innie or an outie." Seth tried to laugh but it came out more like a garble.

"Seth, why?" Ryan sounded so desperate, so distraught, to know why. Like it was the most important thing in the world to him. Like if Seth didn't answer him he'd just collapse into a pool of self-pity, hatred, and loathing. For himself, for Seth, for everyone around him. Seth knew the feeling well, he'd been feeling like that for years.

"Because she was pregnant!" He yelled it. It was a release of every bad emotion he had ever held inside of him. All the tension and all the regret, he just wanted it out there.

Ryan knees went weak and he floundered toward the nearest surface that could support his weight. "W-what?"

"She was pregnant. I didn't know what else to do." Seth needed him to understand, that he hadn't meant to do what he did, but he was just a very stupid teenager that didn't think.

"Pregnant? Was it – was it mine?" Ryan whispered his question and Seth had no idea how to respond. He had never known himself.

"I don't know." He whispered in return and before he even realized what he was doing, he was sitting on the edge of the coffee table, not more than three feet from his brother. He wanted to reach out to him, just place his hand on his shoulder in a gesture of support, but he couldn't do it. He was too afraid. He hated himself.

"What the fuck were you doing!? Why did you make me think you had sex with her?" Ryan lashed out like a snake, his fist smashing into Seth's shoulder. Seth yelped out in pain and scrambled away from Ryan, massaging his shoulder.

God, Ryan was stronger than he remembered. He didn't even think Ryan had meant to hurt him, but he was sure at this moment his brother wasn't entirely aware of his surroundings. Not that he could blame him. "I don't know, okay! I was 16! I thought I was saving you, helping you."

Ryan stood up and took measured steps toward Seth. Seth found his intentions pretty clear now. "You thought making me think that my best friend had sex with my friend behind my back, and hiding her pregnancy where I might be the father, was saving me? How could you be so fucking stupid!?"

Oh God, he needed his pills. Where were his pills? When the going went tough, self-medicate, it was his new motto. He spun around and ran into the kitchen, spying his baggie of pills lying abandoned on the counter. Had he left them there? He didn't remember, but right now that wasn't important to him. He tore a bit of the plastic as he wrenched the bag open and pulled out four pills. He was just about to put them in his mouth when he felt Ryan roughly grab his shoulder, spin him around, and forcibly remove the bag from his hand. "What the fuck is this? Marissa told me about this. What are you doing?"

Seth was not the weakling he had been all those years ago. He would never be as big or as strong as Ryan, but he had learned a few things on his travels, and he did not like being touched. It brought back too many bad memories. He reached with his free hand and crushed his fingers against Ryan's arm, about an inch below his wrist. Ryan grunted in pain, allowing Seth to extend his hand and push Ryan's shoulder backwards, knocking him to a safe distance and allowing him to at least swallow the four pills he had in his other hand. "Don't touch me. I know what I'm doing." He put some distance between the two of them and both were now heaving and looking at each other with pissed off expressions.

Ryan didn't back down though. "Oh you know what you're doing huh? Like you knew what you were doing with Theresa?"

"Yes, I know what I'm doing! You're not my keeper, Ryan. You don't know what I've been through."

"That's your own fucking fault. Jesus, Seth," Ryan paused and made an effort to calm himself down, "I wanted to kill you." And with that, all of the anger just left Ryan's body.

"I wanted to kill myself!" Seth pounded his fist against the nearest countertop. Just to feel, just to express all his anger and frustration. He couldn't believe he was telling Ryan this. That was by far the darkest period of his life. He had come close to equaling that level of self-pity and depression only a few times in his life, after St. Louis and Kat being the most prominent moment in his mind, but he had never surpassed it. Which was probably a good thing because he doubted he'd even be having this argument with Ryan otherwise.

"Seth, no. I'm not that angry, okay?" Ryan held up his hands and backed away even farther.

"I don't mean now, I meant then!" God, he was so frustrated. Nothing was coming out right. Nothing about this meeting with Ryan was going right. Why couldn't it have just been water under the bridge? Why couldn't they just hug and say they were sorry and everything would be okay?

"You never had to leave."

"I did! You broke my fucking nose, Ryan!"

"I was angry!"

"That's why I left! Why I never wanted to tell you. Do you think I liked keeping this from you for this long? You were my brother – you are my brother. It _killed_ me."

"You should have told me. I had a right to know."

Seth shook his head and rubbed his throbbing hand across his jaw. "She never had the baby."

Ryan didn't say anything. He just looked at Seth like Seth had just kicked him in the groin and spit on his writhing body. "What?" He whispered and looked like he might cry, whether from the phantom kick or the fact that Theresa had never had the baby, Seth wasn't sure. He pretended to not understand the look on his brother's face at least.

"She had a miscarriage about a month after – after everything."

"You're sure?"

Seth sighed and shut his eyes as he remembered that night in the cold, antiseptic smelling emergency room. The heartbroken look on Theresa's face as the doctor confirmed that her baby was gone was burned into his memory. That had been the first night he truly and thoroughly got drunk. That had also been the first moment he realized how much of a coward he really was. Theresa had been devastated and needed his support and what did he do? He ran away and tried to drink away his pain. He walked over to the sink and leaned over it, bracing his hands on either side and lowering his head close to the drain. He really felt like he was going to vomit. From this position, he answered Ryan. "I was there, in the hospital with her, when they told her." He swallowed and dry heaved. He couldn't throw up now, he still needed time for the pills he had taken to dissolve properly. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"I could have been a father. I would have never known."

Seth wasn't sure if he liked the quietness of Ryan's voice. He could be contemplative or thinking of the best way to murder Seth with his back turned. Although he liked to think Ryan would at least have the decency to wait until he was facing him first. He lifted his head from the sink, feeling the urge to vomit pass, and craned his head to speak to Ryan head on. "You are a father, Ryan, a great one. And if you had known about Theresa, you would have been a great father then too."

Ryan blushed briefly, but he quickly became angry again. One step forward, two steps back. "Would you have even told me? Like ever? Would she have told me? It could have been mine!"

"And it could have been Eddie's! So what? It's too late now."

"Asshole."

"Yeah, you don't have to tell me that, I already know."

"Why did you do it? There has got to be some better reason."

"Because of Mark May." He said it simply, flat, unemotional. How he hated that Teutonic motherfucker.

And in that moment, everything seemed to crystallize for Ryan. His eyes widened and cleared, his body went limp and he leaned against the counter. "Oh Jesus, Seth, you're an idiot."

"Again, you don't have to tell me that."

"Did you really think I cared? You were my best friend."

Seth shook his head and managed to make it to a stool before he lost the ability to support himself. "It didn't matter to me. Ryan, I was pretty much fucked up then." Seth held up a hand to stall any words from his brother. "Still am, obviously, but back then it was worse. I thought if you found out you had a kid, you'd never have the future you have now."

Ryan actually laughed, like a genuine eyes crinkling, stomach holding, barking laugh. Seth just looked at Ryan like maybe he wasn't the only crazy one in the family, before lightly chuckling himself. It was hard not to, he had never seen Ryan crack up like this before. He didn't put much heart in it though. "Seth, I don't know if I've ever told you this before, but I love you." Then Ryan walked up to him and lifted him off the stool and wrapped his arms tightly around him, squeezing.

To say that Seth was shocked would be putting it mildly. Marissa was right, Ryan had changed. Seth didn't know what to do. Did he hug back? Did he just stand there and hope this wasn't a trick? Did he hug back but do so warily? It was too confusing. Ultimately, he just patted Ryan awkwardly on the back. "Um Ryan, I'm confused."

Ryan pulled back, letting him go, a thin smile on his lips. "I know, but you should be used to it by now."

"Way to kick a man while he's down." Seth was amazed that they had seemingly just reached a breakthrough. How or why they had done so, Seth had no clue, but he wasn't about to argue with the results.

Ryan grinned. Actually grinned. Then he lightly shoved Seth's shoulder. "I can't believe you did all this, for all this time, because you thought you were doing me a favor."

Seth blushed and tried to avert his eyes. He knew what he had done was ridiculously stupid, but if Ryan appreciated it, then that was fine with him. Ryan did appreciate it, right? Seth still wasn't sure if this wasn't some elaborate plot to lull him into a false sense of security. Yeah, he kind of had trust issues. Totally not his fault though. "Yeah, well, I don't think I thought through everything very carefully back then."

Ryan laughed hard again. "Seth, I am sure I've told you this before, but I'll say it again just in case. I would have beat a hundred Mark May's then, and I would still do it now. That never mattered to me. I never cared about leaving Harbor." Ryan had lost a lot of his amusement and replaced it with calm determination.

"That was the whole point though. You had already done it once, because of me, and almost lost everything. I didn't want you to go through the same thing again." Seth swallowed a lump in his throat. Just thinking about the day where he had attacked Mark May made him verklempt.

It had been a long time coming. There was only so much harassment and abuse a guy could take before he snapped. Seth liked to think he had the patience of a Jedi. It took a lot to get him angry or upset, but once he did, he lost his ability for rational thought. He would do just about anything, humiliate himself, destroy relationships, ruin opportunities, in an attempt to rectify the slight against him. He was single-minded in his determination. And Mark May had known how to push all his buttons the right way.

Normally, guys like Mark May wouldn't have bothered him. Despite the occasional comment or shove, Mark had never shown any interest in him. Actively harassing geeks and losers was more Luke and Brad's thing. Seth had had quite a lot of experience dealing with guys like Mark for most of his life, and he would, under any other circumstance, have just let the shit Mark pulled wash over him like a breaking wave. But that was before Mark had started dating Summer. He had been so angry when he learned about them that he had actually, for the first time in his life, called Summer a horrible, selfish, manipulative, lying bitch to her face, and _meant_ it. He had never felt more hatred and anger toward Summer than he had those first few weeks after he found out about them. He still remembered the clearly devastated look that overcame her, which had only made him hate her and Mark even more. How dare she make him feel guilty for being hurt, she had no right. It was her own damn fault.

It wouldn't have been so bad that she was dating Mark if they had never connected. She had fooled around with countless assholes before the summer Ryan had come to Newport. If he had never really got to know her and she him, he could have just brushed it aside like he did all the other times she had hooked up with somebody that wasn't him. But Summer and he had connected, in so many amazing ways, and what she did felt like a blatant betrayal. She knew how he felt about walking behemoths like Mark and she knew how guys like him had made his life a living hell. She knew how choosing somebody like Mark over him would destroy whatever grasp on his sanity he had left. She _knew_. Even then, that normally wouldn't have been enough.

But Mark May was not your normal run of the mill water polo playing dick. He was a special breed of sadistic bastard that loved to rub in Seth's face how he could make Summer scream like no one else. How he couldn't believe that Seth had ever thought he stood a chance with a girl like Summer Roberts when there were people like him around. Not a day went by where Mark didn't remind Seth of his public humiliation, and how Summer had went straight to him after the incident and begged him to take her out. She literally pleaded with him to go on a date with her, like she needed to do anything, or anyone, to get the horrible taint of Seth Cohen off her. And that was just the emotional and mental abuse. That didn't even count the sucker punches, random pushes into hard metal lockers, slashed tires, stolen articles of clothing, trashed shoes, and Seth's personal favorite, the accidental trip down the flight of concrete stairs. He always winced when he remembered that particular fall and subsequent visit to the doctor.

It was no surprise then, to him at least, that he had just snapped. In the quad. In front of half the school and as many members of the faculty. Mark had been walking by with Summer, and made some extremely disparaging comment that Seth didn't even remember, and both Mark and Summer had laughed right at him. He probably would have never done anything if Summer hadn't been there, laughing at him, not even looking at him like a human being, just an object of her amusement. That was too much and that was all it took. He could never hurt Summer, so Mark became the next best thing. Even after all this time, Seth heard the snapping of bone as he launched himself at the guy who was nearly twice his size, and Mark had fallen at an awkward angle and broken his arm. But again, Mark May was not your average water polo playing dick. He screamed in pain, climbed to his feet, and proceeded to defend himself. Not that Seth had made much headway past his initial wounding, but he was still proud of how he had handled himself against a vastly superior opponent. But Mark quickly turned the tide, despite his broken arm, and proceeded to kick the crap out of him.

That was, of course, when Ryan had entered the picture. Seth had always thought Ryan had good timing. Of course, if Ryan truly had good timing, he would have stopped Seth from attacking Mark in the first place. But still, Ryan's timing had been impeccable. He jumped into the fight, no questions asked, and Mark May with a broken arm was no match for Ryan Atwood with two good arms. That fight had ended quickly with Mark moaning on the ground of the quad, clutching his arm close to his chest, his nose pumping blood, and his right eye practically swollen shut. Students began milling around, and teachers restrained both Ryan and himself. Then the police had come. Then the parents. Then the disciplinary council.

And that was it. They were seriously thinking of kicking them both out, Seth for attacking a student for no cause and Ryan for joining in. Seth they weren't sure about; he was a model student with no prior disciplinary record. Ryan was not so lucky. His chances were considerably slimmer. It would be public school for them both. That had absolutely terrified Seth. If he could barely survive at a private school designed to provide for every little rich kid's whim, where if you got a broken nail they sent you straight to the health office to make sure you were all right, what would public school be like? There was no café at Corona del Mar, no comfortable tables with plush chairs, no gourmet cafeteria food. He would be like chum in shark infested waters. Of course the fact that Corona del Mar was one of the best schools in California had never entered Seth's mind. Or that maybe life would actually be easier for him not surrounded by so many privileged, judgmental assholes. All he heard was public school and panicked. He was too used to the controlled environment of Harbor. He would never make it through public school without Ryan. He couldn't take the chance.

He actively began to hope that if he got expelled, Ryan would too. He had hated himself the entire time, but he was in fight or flight mode and all he could think of was his own survival. Then the word came: Ryan would stay, Seth would go. It was a bit of a shock, but the council had taken into consideration that Ryan had thought he was _defending_ Seth and not actually helping him hurt somebody on purpose. Seth panicked. He was going to be alone.

And a week later Theresa happened and his whole attitude changed. He no longer wanted Ryan to get screwed too, he just felt unimaginably grateful. Ryan had saved his ass. If Ryan hadn't showed up when he did, Mark might have beaten him into a coma. Ryan was always saving him, protecting him, and keeping him out of trouble. Wasn't it time he did the same? Sandy was doing his best to fight the ruling, and Seth remembered his father telling him every night not to worry, he was going to win. But all Seth saw was a life of even more torture and pain, and Theresa provided a chance to do something about it. He might have been a lost cause, but Ryan still had a future. Ryan had almost been kicked out of one of the best high schools in the country for him, this was his chance to return the favor. It may have been stupid, hurtful; it may have destroyed his life and ruined his relationships with the people he cared about most; but Seth had made the decision to help Ryan like Ryan always helped him. He didn't regret his decision. Not really.

He was an idiot.

"Seth, you're like my brother." Ryan grasped his upper forearm and squeezed affectionately. He nodded his head. "I would have done okay. We both would have. And if I had known about Theresa." His voice trailed off, at a loss for what to say.

"I'm sorry." Seth truly was sorry. He would never forgive himself for taking that opportunity away from Ryan.

Ryan blinked his eyes and patted Seth on the shoulder. "It's okay, I at least understand. That's all I think I ever wanted."

"Ryan I – I am so screwed up, man." Seth started to cry. This wasn't like when he had cried with Marissa. That had been mostly a release of tension and relief. He had realized that were still people in the world who cared for him and that feeling had overwhelmed him. Now it was desperation, despair, and hatred. He was lamenting his wasted life and the fact that he had no future. They were tears for his brother, who probably still hated him even if he was saying he understood; tears for Summer, who would never love him and always love someone else; tears for his parents, who had done everything for him and he had abandoned them; tears for himself, because he was worthless. This was a complete breakdown.

Ryan acted fast, his sturdy arms around Seth again as Seth sobbed. They both settled on the floor of the kitchen, Ryan awkwardly offering his support, and Seth doing anything he could to avoid looking at his brother as he cried. "It's okay, Seth. It's okay. We're going to get through this, I promise. I'm going to help you."

Seth cried harder at Ryan's words.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note**: As usual, thank you to all those who reviewed. I want to say that the next two weeks will be very busy for me (with Thanksgiving coming up soon) so it's doubtful I will update during that time. So I guess you could say I'm going on a mini-hiatus. I should update again after the holiday. Hopefully, this chapter will help ease the pain a little bit. This chapter is entirely Seth/Summer based and I hope that I did a good job. I know many of you have been looking forward to something like this and I just hope I did them justice.

* * *

Seth lifelessly lifted the spoon from out of his cereal bowl and tried to put it inside his mouth. It took three attempts, the first time impacting against the right side of his mouth, the second against his closed lips, the third finally hitting the roof of his mouth before settling haphazardly on his tongue. He wasn't all there at the moment.

He dropped the spoon back into his bowl and placed both his hands on the table, palms down. He looked out toward the pool and his backyard, watching the sun slowly set in the horizon. It was a beautiful sight, and one that would have normally calmed him and inspired him. Now he didn't really care. It was useless beauty. He just didn't feel anything.

He'd been home now for five days. It was still difficult to grasp the fact that Newport was home again, but he was acclimating himself to the feeling better than he expected. A few more days and it probably wouldn't even register with him anymore. Things were going well in that regard.

He and Ryan had continued to talk after his breakdown and they had come to a kind of understanding. Ryan assured him that he was no longer angry and was just very happy to have him back. Seth almost believed him. He was still wracked with guilt over everything that happened, but he was starting to accept it and put it past him. Putting it behind him was going to be a lengthy process though, and he was not looking forward to it. It was not going to be easy. It became even more difficult with the fact that he just didn't care anymore. He was so damn tired. There was only so much he could take, and he had reached his limit days ago. He had never had a very high tolerance to begin with; he just wasn't strong like that. Ryan had forgiven him and that was all that his mind could process for the moment.

He spun his spoon inside his bowl of cereal. Suddenly, the mini vortex he created became the most interesting thing in the world to him. Everything just faded away. It was an apt distraction, mirroring the feeling of the world sucking him down.

He was alone. Everybody had left for dinner 20 minutes ago. They had invited him of course, his mother the loudest and most insistent voice, but he had not wanted to go. It was too much. All of them at once? All of them asking him the same questions and demanding the same answers? He was liable to slit his wrists with a butter knife. It was hard enough dealing with Ryan and Marissa individually. He couldn't even comprehend how overwhelming it would be to sit at a small table, surrounded by everyone he had hurt and disappointed, all staring at him expectantly. All waiting. He knew he was running away again, but this time it was an act of sheer survival.

Seth suspected that they were all relieved as much as he was. Things had been awkward to say the least. His parents had been overjoyed to see him, and they had showered him with so much affection that if he were still an immature teenager, would have made him sick. But the honeymoon period was waning and things were starting to get tense. Everybody was now walking on eggshells around him. There were looks, whispered comments when they thought he wasn't looking, people would leave the room if he entered because they wanted to discuss something and were either too worried he'd overhear or were too uncomfortable to discuss it in front of him. It was making him crazy. He was pretty sure they were going crazy. The whole situation was screwed up.

So he figured it was for the best that he didn't go with them. They certainly weren't going to force him; they were too afraid he'd bolt again if they tried something like that. That didn't mean they wouldn't use guilt or any other means at their disposal to get their way. But Seth had been adamant, he wanted to give them a chance to take it all in, to let things settle and get away from him for a little bit. They would be around those who were most familiar to them and should be able to come to terms with how much he'd changed. That was probably the hardest thing of all. His parents looked at him like he was still 16. He didn't blame them, it wasn't their fault. But he wasn't that naïve boy anymore. He had grown up and seen too much shit in his life to still be the kid they thought he was. He knew it was going to take them as long to adjust to the new him as it was for him to adjust to his new surroundings.

He wasn't that hungry anyway. His body was used to running on low fuel, so to speak. A bowl of cereal, even half eaten, was still enough to sustain him for several hours. He didn't know what he'd do with a whole plate of food in front of him. Could he even eat it all? It'd been so long since he'd eaten in a restaurant.

He let go of his spoon in disgust and stood up from his chair. It was past twilight now and he could just begin to see stars appear in the sky. He contemplated going outside and just sitting by the pool. He figured it'd be relaxing and give him more time to think. He was just about to head out there when the doorbell rang.

With a sigh he walked toward the front door. What now? Maybe it was robbers? God, he hoped so. Of course, people intending to rob the place were unlikely to ring the doorbell, but he prayed that they were polite thieves. Hopefully, they'd put him out of his misery on their way out. Was it wrong to hope for a home invasion? He thought yes, but still didn't care.

Without looking at who it might be, he opened the door with a weary look on his face. It was surprising then when he noticed Summer standing on the other side of the door. For longer than he would ever admit, he contemplated just slamming the door in her face. She was still the last person he wanted to see. When he had first seen her that morning with Marissa all those days ago, he had felt a wave of familiarity and pain wash over him. He had done his best to ignore her, not look at her, but then he had thrown out that stupid little greeting, undoubtedly giving her the satisfaction of knowing she still affected him. Which was completely true, but he didn't want her to know that and he certainly didn't like it. He had made huge strides in dealing with his history with her. He didn't want to regress and become the befuddled teenager again that lost all ability to think straight whenever she so much as looked at him.

He was a changed man now. He had been through too much, largely because of the girl in front of him. He wasn't going to let her get to him again, wasn't going to let her destroy the life he was attempting to reconstruct. Which was why he didn't slam the door. Doing so would only prove that she still had power over him. He was going to be mature, aloof, show her that he was the bigger man. He would do his best to act normal and uninterested. Because that's what he was: uninterested. He was going to be cool.

Summer seemed as surprised as he was to see him standing in front of her. Her mouth moved, but nothing came out, and he thought she looked very nervous. "Oh, it's you."

Seth leaned against the doorframe and appraised her with a quick scan. It was impossible not to look at her, she was still the stunningly beautiful girl from his past, and if it were possible, her fashion sense seemed to have improved. He finished his scan and settled his eyes on her face. He smirked. "It's me."

Silence. Summer continued to look uncomfortable and for once, Seth felt like he had the upper hand. He had the advantage of just not caring, of being uninterested. He had the advantage of eight years to think about what had happened and put it behind him. He had accepted the status of their relationship, namely that there wasn't one and never would be, as irrefutable fact. Being around her just didn't make him flustered anymore, because he refused to let it. He raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. "I assume you came here for a reason?"

Summer blinked and composed herself quickly, smoothing her hands down her sides. "I need to talk to Coop. It's important."

Seth nodded once and looked over his shoulder into the house. He wasn't sure why he did it, he knew Marissa wasn't there. "She's not here." He saw the disappointed look on her face and felt compelled to add, "She went to dinner with everybody else."

"And you didn't go too?"

"Nope. Wasn't hungry."

"Oh." Summer fidgeted with her purse and looked down at her feet.

"I briefly contemplated blasting some Bob Seger and sliding along the floor in my underwear, but I thought maybe that was too minty even for me."

Summer's head flew up quickly and she smiled wide at him. "Come on Cohen, since when do you have any self-respect?"

Seth chuckled lightly and motioned with his hand for her to follow him. "Good point." He held the door open as she passed by him and he involuntarily took in a breath of her perfume. Sweet Moses she smelled fantastic. He waited until she was several feet away from him before taking a few breaths to calm himself and close the door. He didn't care. He didn't like how he had to keep reminding himself that.

Summer walked straight for the big couch dominating the family room and sat down with a huff. "Why is it that whenever I need her she's always busy?"

Seth sat down in the sinfully comfortable chair across from her. "How dare she live her own life, doesn't she know you might need her at a moment's notice?"

Summer slapped the couch with both hands. "I know! I swear the things I have to put up with." She smiled and her eyes sparkled.

Seth rolled his eyes and leaned back into the chair even more. "Maybe I could help you out."

Summer's amusement immediately disappeared and was replaced with intense awkwardness. Seth could feel it emanating off her in waves. "Um, no, that's okay. It's uh, kind of girl talk."

Seth shrugged and shut his eyes. Maybe a nice nap would help things. "All right." He placed his hands in his lap and tried to steady his breathing. He knew his obvious indifference would drive her crazy. He began counting down in his head.

"Are you falling asleep on me?" She sounded annoyed and he had to fight the urge to smile. She cracked even faster than he expected. Good old Summer, can't stand it when she's not the center of attention.

He still wouldn't open his eyes. She'd know immediately he was messing with her if he did. "Maybe I am, it is kind of getting late."

"What are you 80? It's only 8:30."

"Why yes, Summer, I've aged 60 years since we last saw each other. You better be careful, I sometimes find it difficult to maintain bladder control."

"Okay Cohen, that's disgusting."

Seth finally opened his eyes and grinned. "What can I say? If I've got nothing to entertain me, it's just not worth it."

"Fiiiine." Summer shifted in her seat, the awkwardness back. Seth followed her movement and couldn't help but notice just the expanse of smooth thigh as her skirt slid up her legs. What reasonable explanation could there be for her to wear a skirt that short if she only wanted to talk to Marissa? It was down right cruel. Seth sighed and briefly shut his eyes to banish the sight from his mind. This was not fair, why was he being punished like this? "I wanted to talk to Marissa about – well, about something Nick asked me the other day."

Ah, the boyfriend. Or Seth figured he was the boyfriend. He actually didn't know. "Did he like ask for a kidney or something?"

Summer glared at him and he actually smiled. Wow, he had missed that look. Summer Roberts was the only girl he'd ever met who could be sexy while looking like she wanted to rip off your head and spit down your neck. It was an odd turn on. "What the hell kind of dumbass question is that?"

"I don't know, you're the one acting like this is some kind of life and death situation. I'm just trying to lighten the mood."

"No, you're being an idiot." Summer snapped and her face darkened slightly.

Seth had to fight the urge to snap back. He was not going to let Summer get to him. He was Zen. He was calm. Summer didn't affect him anymore. "We can sit here all night and take turns insulting each other or you can tell me what the hell crawled up your ass."

Summer sprung up and grabbed her purse. "God, I knew talking to you would be a mistake. Tell Coop I was here, do you think you can handle that?"

Seth just smirked and closed his eyes again. He knew how this went. It may have been years, but Summer was still Summer. She hadn't changed that much; he had determined that in less that 30 seconds of observing her. Yes, he really was that good. He frowned though when he realized what that meant. He didn't like it one bit. "I'll try." Dealing with Summer was like fishing, sometimes you just had to let the bait sit teasingly out there and wait for it to be snatched up, and when it was, you had to slowly reel it back in. Summer hated not getting her way, and she hated being ignored even more.

She actually let out a min-scream of frustration and he just knew she was stomping her feet. Then she was silent and he knew she was sitting down, a death glare on her face. He didn't have to actually see these things to know they were happening. He knew too freaking well. "You think you're so smug, don't you?"

Seth laughed and opened his eyes. "Think? No."

"Asshole."

"Same to you, sweetheart."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh right, I'm sorry, princess."

"Shut up."

"Doll face?"

"Ugh! No!"

"Toots?"

"Oh you did not just call me that."

Seth grinned and continued on. "How about honey?"

Summer was perched on the edge of her seat, just waiting to pounce in attack. "Call me one more name and I'll kill you."

Seth held up a hand and leaned toward her. "Wait, I know how this goes. This is where you kiss me, right?"

Summer picked up a pillow and tossed it at him hard. He easily ducked it and laughed. "You wish, loser." But Summer was smiling faintly.

Seth knew just the thing to take the wind out of her sails. "Actually, no. I stopped wishing for that a long time ago."

"Oh." She was suddenly very quiet. Seth let out a triumphant cheer. An internal triumphant cheer.

"So what's this problem you got with your boyfriend?"

Summer blinked and the sad look on her face gradually drained away to be replaced by an apprehensive one. "I don't know if it's a good idea to talk about this with, uh, you."

"I don't care." That had so many different connotations.

"Oh, okay." She actually looked disappointed, but he shook that feeling off. "Well, um, you see," and she paused and looked down at her hands, "he asked me to go to London with him for four months and I don't know what to do."

"This is a hard question for you?"

"Well, yeah. It's four months, Cohen."

Seth snorted and picked at a piece of lint on his shirt. "Big deal. Hell, if you don't want to go with him, tell him I'm interested. I've always wanted to see Big Ben." The sad part was, he was not being completely facetious.

Summer frowned and Seth watched her hands fidget. "Come on Cohen, be serious. Moving in together is a big step."

"I wouldn't know."

If it were possible, Summer looked even more uncomfortable than she had before. Her skin was flushed, which actually made her even more appealing, and she was now playing with the zipper on her purse. "Um, right, well trust me, it is. I just don't know if I'm ready."

Seth sighed and looked at Summer steadily. His eyes didn't waver, he didn't squirm; he was rather proud of himself for handling things so well. Summer was obviously having problems, though he had no idea why. Okay, he could understand why she might be embarrassed or feel things were awkward considering how they had left things, but she was having a much harder time dealing with their talk than he was. He had never seen her so out of sorts before. She was usually one of the most in control people he knew. It was actually kind of disconcerting.

But was he really going to do this? He didn't know if he could sit and give Summer relationship advice in a mature manner. It was _Summer_ for God's sake. Why the hell would he tell her to get involved with someone else? It went against every inclination he had, and he had to fight to ignore the voice screaming in his head to stop. He wasn't going to stop though. If nothing else, this was a chance to prove to himself that he was really and truly done with Summer Roberts.

"Okay, look. How long have you two been together?"

"Um, about a year."

"So you've been together a year – "

Summer interjected, "I said about a year."

Seth arched an eyebrow and gave Summer a look. Oooookay, so it seemed to be a touchy subject. "Right, okay, about a year. I assume you like this guy, although knowing you, that's not actually a requirement." Seth realized what he'd said and cursed himself. He was not going to get bitter. He wasn't. He was going to remain detached if it killed him.

Summer immediately got angry and he quickly held up a hand to stall her forthcoming comment. "Sorry, sorry, that was uncalled for." Summer calmed down instantly and relaxed into the couch with a pout. "But anyway, so you like him? You've been together about a year. Why is this difficult for you?"

"Because!" Summer threw her hands up in frustration. Then she let out a long growl.

"Why? I don't understand."

"Because it just is."

Seth rolled his eyes. "That makes perfect sense." He climbed out of his chair and before he really knew what he was doing, he was sitting on the edge of the coffee table, less than a couple of feet from her. He could reach out and touch her leg if he wanted. But of course he didn't want that. "I just think, from what I know of the situation, which is obviously not much, that you don't really have a reason not to go. I mean, he's your boyfriend, you like him, and you probably don't want the relationship to end."

Summer withdrew her legs until they were resting underneath her, and leaned further into the couch cushion. She gave him a very skeptical look. "So you're saying I should go."

"Noooo, I'm not saying what you should do either way. What I am saying is that going seems to be the logical solution. But that's based on what superficial information I have."

"Who the hell are you? You are not Seth Cohen."

Seth normally would have laughed at a comment like that, even if it was only a sympathy laugh, but now it just wasn't worth it. He had changed. "Most of the time, I have no idea."

"I'm not sure I like it."

"Maybe if I disappear for another eight years, I'll come back like I used to be."

"Um, yeah, how are you by the way?"

"Alive."

"Oh." He didn't mean to be curt with her, but he really didn't want to talk about his past. Especially not with her. She was a huge reason why he even had a past to hide to begin with. "You know you can talk to me if you want."

"Are you sure you want to risk the personal embarrassment of being seen with me? I know how much your reputation means to you." Damnit! He had told himself he wasn't going to get bitter and look what happened? It was just impossible. She looked too good, smelled too good, was coming off as too vulnerable. He couldn't help but dredge up some of his old memories.

To his surprise she didn't get angry with him, she just got quiet. She avoided his eyes and looked resolutely at the far corner of the coffee table he was sitting on. "I'm sorry."

"Oh no, I don't think so." Seth sprung to his feet and began to pace in front of her. He was supremely agitated, angry, hurt, everything. He couldn't deal with this right now. "I don't want to hear it." It was his fault for even bringing it up. He hit his fist into his thigh. He was so stupid. He was never going to get past this shit if he kept thinking about it. He had to stop.

Summer got up from the couch and reached out to grab his arm. Seth stopped completely, nearly tripping over his own feet in the process. He looked down at her small, delicate hand firmly grasping his arm. He had felt almost like he had touched a live wire when her slender fingers landed on his skin. It wasn't that clichéd instant magnetism you read about in romance novels, but more like a physical manifestation of the surprise he felt that she was actually _touching_ him. Touching him. Summer was touching _him_. What the fuck? She hadn't done that, hell, Seth couldn't even remember the last time she had touched him. He didn't like it, and yet, as he stared transfixed at her fingers, he knew he didn't want her to let go.

Summer did let go though. Almost immediately after touching him, she pulled her hand away as if she had been burned. She shook her hand wildly, like she was trying to put out flames dancing along the tips of her fingers. She blushed a deep red and took a few steps away from him. "S-sorry."

He stared at her, not blinking, hardly breathing. She was being so damned shy and coy and bashful it was impossible not to be sucked in by her. She hadn't acted like this with him since the Wonder Woman incident at Chrismukkah. It was intoxicating. He had to get away from her.

He quickly walked toward the kitchen. He needed something to drink. He needed to put distance between them. You hate her. You don't like her. You don't care. She'll just fuck you over at the first opportunity she gets. He had to repeat that litany through his head over and over again as he practically tore the handle off the refrigerator in his haste to open its door.

The door opened and he nearly dived inside its cool comfort. Anything to get away from Summer. He wanted something alcoholic, but he was willing to settle for anything cold at this point. He plucked a solitary beer hidden behind takeout containers and pulled it toward him. A hand landed on his clothed shoulder and he spun around in a panic. "Don't touch me!" He barked at Summer and scrambled away from her, the beer clutched in his hand like a weapon he needed to protect himself.

He put the barrier of the island between them and forced himself to calm. What the hell was wrong with him? He was acting like a crazy person. He could see the shock and fear on Summer's face and he hated it. Then there was pity and he knew she must have thought something horrible had happened to him while he was gone. She was right, sort of. That horrible thing was her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out."

Seth popped the bottle top off and took a long, practiced chug of beer. Half of it was gone by the time he was done and he felt himself instantly relax. Alcohol, his old buddy. He placed the bottle on the countertop and sighed. "I'm fine."

Summer was too busy staring at his beer. She didn't respond and he added, "I didn't mean to yell at you."

Summer jerked her head upward and now she looked worried. "It's okay, I was just surprised. I am sorry though."

"Sorry for what?" Seth had already forgotten what they were talking about just a few minutes ago.

"Sorry for everything, I guess."

"Oh, well, that doesn't matter anymore. You don't need to apologize."

"Bullshit." The word came out so blunt that Seth actually felt like he had been physically pushed by the word. "Don't tell me it doesn't matter. It does. It always has."

"Whatever." Seth finished off his beer. He didn't want to talk about this anymore.

"You wouldn't be acting like this if it didn't matter."

No. Just no. He was not going to do this now. If he had his way, he'd never do this. He wasn't about to get into it with Summer, not after days of arguing, yelling, hurting with the people who actually cared about him. He didn't owe Summer a damn thing, he didn't have to hear her out if he didn't want to. "Let's eat!"

"Seth – "

He just powered on, choosing not to acknowledge her objections. "I'm hungry. Are you hungry because I could really go for something to eat right now." He wasn't hungry at all but the takeout containers in the fridge had inspired him.

"Fine." Summer sighed and tapped her fingers along the countertop. "I guess I could go for some food too."

Seth rubbed his hands together and walked over to where the takeout menus were. At least where he thought they would be. When he pulled open the drawer, it was empty. "Uh – "

He heard a drawer open behind him and saw Summer pull out a handful of different menus. A soft smile was on her face and he felt incredibly sheepish. "Ryan and Marissa rearranged the kitchen a bit when your parents moved."

"Of course." Stupid idiot. God, he felt so embarrassed and he wasn't even sure why. It wasn't like it was his fault, he just didn't know. Still, the fact that Summer was smiling so gently at him only made his embarrassment feel more intense.

Seth walked over to stand a bit behind Summer, trying to read over her shoulder as she spread out a bunch of menus across the countertop. "Okay, we've got like three different Thai places, Chinese, Indian, Mexican, you name it, it's probably here."

He was too far away to get a good look at the menus, so he took a step closer. Without even realizing, his hand fell to the small of Summer's back, and he leaned over her shoulder to get a look. He felt the muscles of Summer's back tense and ripple under his hand, but she relaxed almost instantly. Even through her top he could feel the intense heat radiating off her body. His breathing grew ragged for the briefest of seconds, but leveled out. It was such a comfortable, instinctual act that he had touched her without even realizing the act's implications, and now that he was aware of what he'd done, he couldn't stop. If he did, it would be even more obvious that he was bothered by her.

"Um, so I was thinking Thai food. Why mess with a good thing, right?" He didn't mean for the question to come out quiet and husky, his breath gently lapping against her cheek and ear. He felt her shiver and heard her swallow.

"Right. No reason to mess with the classics."

Unconsciously, he moved his head even closer to her ear and said gently, "So what do you want?" Being this close to her was pure hell, but he couldn't pull away.

Summer pushed away from the counter, knocking him back a few steps and causing his hand to leave her back. "Um, actually – actually, I think I'm going to leave." Summer turned to face him, her face flushed a beautiful warm red, her breathing deep. "Yeah, I think I need to go. I'm not that hungry anyway."

"You sure? Because it's not a problem."

"Oooh yeah, I'm sure."

Seth shrugged and started to gather up the menus. If she didn't want to stick around, he wasn't going to make her. He'd already screwed up enough around her, it was a good thing she was leaving. "All right."

Summer didn't move. Seth put the menus away and looked up to find her rooted to the exact spot he'd last seen her in. He had expected her to at least move a little. "Is there something wrong?"

"No, no, I'm good." She still hadn't moved.

"So um, are you going to leave?"

"Right. I was going to leave wasn't I?" She laughed in embarrassment and reluctance. She really didn't seem to want to leave.

"Yes you were." Seth studied her and tried to see inside her head to know what was going on with her. Acting like an idiot was usually his thing. "You know, you're welcome to stay. Honestly. I could use the company." Shut up! What the hell was he saying?

"Well, maybe – no, I need to leave." She finally moved, turning around and walking toward the family room where she had left her stuff.

Seth followed her. "Okay." He watched her grab her purse, and slowly make her way to the front door. "Oh hey, good luck with the whole London thing. I hope it works out for you."

"Yeah, me too." She practically ran out the door after saying that.

When did Summer get so weird?

* * *

**Preview**: When we return, Sandy talks to Seth about his future, Seth gets drunk and talks about his past, Seth and Summer spend more time together, Anna shows up, a surprise character makes an appearance, and Summer does something stupid. Sounds like fun, no? 


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note**: I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, I know I did. I got to visit home for the first time in months. Enough about me though, onto to the important stuff. Thank you to those who have reviewed. I am a little apprehensive about the drop in reviews lately, only because it makes me worry people are dissatisfied with the story. If you are not pleased or bored or whatever, please let me know, it's the only way I can make it better. Despite that, the response for this story has been awesome and all I can say is thank you.

Here, I am giving you a bit of a longer chapter than usual. I hope you like it, it's kind of a reward for the long wait. Also, this chapter and the next several following chapters, will have a bit of a change in focus. I will be concentrating more heavily on Summer's character for a while. Seth is still prominent of course, but I felt it was important to get Summer's perspective for a while. I hope you agree.

**Warning**: I've decided to make this story a little more adult than it was previously. That means more bad language and more discussion about sex. I'm just letting you know now.

* * *

Seth had been aimlessly watching TV when his family trudged back in to the house. Ryan was in the lead, holding a groggy and sleepy Mikayla tight to his chest. Marissa followed, and his parents were a comfortable distance behind. Seth avoided looking at all of them. At the moment, he really just wanted to be alone. Summer's visit had had quite an effect on him. That was something he didn't like admitting to himself, but he couldn't deny how being so close to her had made him confused. He wasn't sure what to think, or how to act, or even how he should feel. He wanted her, he could admit at least that much, but he had always wanted Summer. He just didn't know if he could trust her or if it was worth putting himself out there like that again. He didn't think he'd survive another rejection; if he gave her another chance, he wanted to be sure.

Ryan acknowledged him with a nod, and then promptly walked up the flight of stairs. Marissa dutifully followed without a word. Seth thought that his parents would do the same, but they stopped in front of him, blocking the TV. His father had an arm wrapped around his mother's waist, and they were both leaning into each other. His father looked serious and his mother looked pensive. He sighed out loud and turned off the TV. He didn't mean to resent the intrusion, especially considering how understanding and unobtrusive his parents had been, but he didn't want to do this. All he wanted to do was brood about Summer and watch some mindless TV. He knew he was being selfish, but he had spent most of his life only thinking about one person, and that person was himself. It was difficult to shake the habit.

They had talked about his trip already, in brief at least. But that had been him going to them, apologizing, and keeping his distance. He hadn't wanted to get into everything. His parents desperately wanted to know, that was obvious, but they had so far respected his desire to keep that stuff in the past. He knew that was only temporary. Too much stuff had happened; he'd been gone for too long for them not to eventually ask him what he'd gone through. Now they were coming to him, which meant they had something specific they wanted to discus. Which of course meant he was about to feel real shitty, and was going to be expected to open up.

He just wanted to be alone. Couldn't they see that? Couldn't they understand that? He had gotten so used to being on his own over the years that it was hard to spend time around other people. It was such a departure from who he was, but he liked not having anyone to talk to now. He liked the lack of expectations and the lack of responsibility to others. He was pretty damn fucked up, he didn't want to burden others with his problems and he didn't want to remind himself of things by talking about them out loud. As long as they stayed silent, locked away deep in his mind, he would be able to deal with them. He'd be able to move on.

He hadn't known what to expect when he made the decision to come back home, but he hadn't expected to have to constantly talk about things that were physically painful for him. He just wanted to live his life that was all. So what if he at least owed them some kind of reason? He just wanted to be left alone.

"Son, we need to talk." Like usual, it seemed his father was taking point in the conversation.

Seth straightened his posture as best he could and faced his parents with a blank, but attentive face. He wasn't going to just divulge everything but he would try to give them what they wanted. "Okay."

"First, I just want to say that we love you. I feel as if that was something lost in all the, uh, drama surrounding your disappearance."

His mother added, "We both love you very much and we never ever wanted you to leave." He wanted to make a sarcastic remark, but just couldn't do that to his mother.

"I love you too." That was something he would have never admitted as a teenager unless under great duress.

Both his parents looked a little taken back by his open and speedy response, but Seth thought they did a pretty good job of covering their surprise well. "That's good, son. I mean," and Sandy graced him with a lopsided smile, "that's something every parent likes to hear." His father then sat down on the coffee table in front of him while his mother joined him on the couch.

Seth angled his body so that it was easier to keep both of them in his field of vision. He felt a little claustrophobic, pinned between both of them at once. It felt like they were double-teaming him, bearing down on him with their judgmental eyes. God, he was paranoid. "Can I say something before we continue on with whatever it is you guys want to say?" It was time to throw himself on his sword once again.

His mother and father exchanged looks, Kirsten nodding her head just slightly. "Of course."

"Okay, so like I know I kind of mentioned this before, but I feel it needs repeating." Seth took a deep breath and started on the speech he had gone over and over in his head thousands of times. "I'm sorry." He held up a hand to forestall any argument and continued. "I'm sorry about everything. I don't want you to think that any of this was your fault. I'm not saying you think that way, but just in case you do, don't. I was stupid, and selfish, and I put you both through so much unnecessary pain because I thought I was doing the best thing. I should have talked to you guys, asked for your help, but I thought I could handle it. I realize now that I was just being ridiculous and no matter how much you might have been upset with me over what I did, you never would have kicked me out or disowned me or anything like that. And I'm just really sorry." His ramble had quickly turned into a choked up plea for understanding.

He instantly felt the comforting arms of his mother wrap around him. He turned toward her and buried his face into her shoulder. She rubbed his back gently and cooed softly into his ear. He felt like a four-year-old, but didn't care because he knew his mother would take care of him. He sniffled and held onto her as tight as he could. "Oh sweetie, we know. We are just so happy that you are okay."

"I'm so sorry, mom." He cried a little.

"Hey, look at me." Kirsten gently pulled his face up so that she could look him in the eyes. His face was slightly blotchy, his eyes partially swollen. He locked eyes with his mother and despite the comforting and almost serene look in her eyes, he could see the pain she was holding back. It only made him want to cry harder. "We love you, okay? We know you never meant to hurt us and we are just happy to have you back in our lives." Kirsten grinned slightly and kissed him gently on the forehead. "You're my baby and I missed you."

Seth blushed and carefully pulled away from his mother. Okay, that was just going too far. He was willing to forgive a lot, considering the circumstances, but that was too much. "Mooooom." He whined expertly and his mother only grinned wider. He rolled his eyes and settled back into his spot on the couch. He wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt.

Sandy looked at him with clear amusement. "Hey, where's my hug?"

Seth groaned and leaned across to briefly wrap his arms around his father. He flopped back down onto the couch with a huff. "You call that a hug? Not cool, son, not cool." Sandy leaned across and pulled him into a bone-crushing embrace. Seth actually had a little trouble breathing, but he let his father have his moment. He knew the hug was as much for his father as it was for him.

When his father finally pulled away, Seth made an exaggerated point to wheeze loudly. "Geeeze, dad, you trying to kill me?" Sandy didn't say anything, just looked at him steadily.

"I just missed you. Can't a father hug his son?"

"Yeah, yeah, I guess it's all right." He did have a reputation to uphold, even if it was a very old one.

Sandy rolled his eyes and looked over at his wife, who nodded her head. It kind of freaked Seth out that his parents could communicate so easily with each other without saying a word. They were just that connected and knew each other so well that they didn't even have to speak to know what needed to be said. It made him a little sad. He would never have that kind of connection with another person. At the same time, it made him happy as well to see that his parents were still going strong despite all the crap he had put them through. The thought that something might have happened to their relationship because of his stupidity was enough to almost make him suicidal. There was only so much guilt a weak soul like him could take.

"Son, we do need to talk to you about something important." All traces of amusement left his father in a rush. It was all seriousness and straightforwardness.

"It's about," his mother paused and looked away, swallowing slightly, "your grandfather."

His grandfather? He hadn't thought about his grandfather Caleb in so long. He wondered how the crotchety old bastard was doing. "Is he okay?"

Sandy sighed and shook his head. "Son, Caleb passed away. He died about seven years ago."

"What!?" Seth slid to the edge of the couch, looking wildly back and forth between his parents. Caleb was dead? He felt like he had just been punched in the stomach. This was just, there was no way. He had always thought Caleb was immortal. He was too stubborn and manipulative to die.

"He had a heart attack. There was nothing anybody could do."

Seth collapsed back into the cushions absolutely shocked. Holy shit, his grandfather was dead and he never knew. He had never known anyone who had died before. It was beyond his current ability to comprehend. He felt the pull of his own mortality, thinking about all the crap that had happened to him over the years, and all that he had missed. And then he cursed himself for thinking about himself at this time. His grandfather had died without a chance to say goodbye. He had missed his funeral, missed being there for his mother when she had probably needed him most. He had done everything wrong. He had never felt more terrible about everything that had happened than he did at that moment. "Why didn't you ever tell me? Seven years? Jesus." He was going to be sick, he was going to cry, he was going to hit something. He sounded so desperate, pained, and tired.

"That's not fair, Seth. We didn't know where you were, remember?"

Suddenly angry, needing to lash out, he yelled, "Bullshit! You could have told Anna. I would have come home!" For that he would have come home. He would have risked Ryan's wrath, his parents' disappointment, everything for that.

He hadn't been a completely shitty son. For the first couple of years after his disappearance, he had always made sure to keep Anna relatively up to date about how he was doing. She was his conduit to his parents. He told her, she tried to convince him to go home, she told them, they tried to convince her to tell him everything was okay and nobody was upset. They just wanted him home. He would never tell her where he was, though, for precisely that reason. He didn't want her or his parents to come looking for him, but he made sure she had enough information to at least help reduce the worry he knew his parents must have had. After St. Louis that conduit had stopped, and it was the primary reason for why he hadn't spoken to Anna in so long.

His father turned away from him then, an ashamed look on his face. It was his mother who responded. "It was a confusing time, Seth. We, uh, didn't think to let you know when it happened and by the time we realized, it had already been months."

They had forgotten him. Oh his mother hadn't said the words, but he could easily read between the lines. They had fucking forgotten him. The worst part was that he didn't blame them. If he had been them, he would have done his best to forget his ungrateful, terrible son too. But that thought did nothing to lessen the pain. He needed to leave. He just couldn't be around them right now. He had to run away. Everything was crashing down on him. He stood up. "I – I have to leave."

Sandy reached out and grabbed his forearm in a firm grip. "No, wait. There is something you have to know."

Seth wrenched his arm free from his father but didn't bolt from the room like he wanted to. "What?" He barely recognized his own voice.

"You know that your grandfather was a very wealthy man."

This was what they wanted to talk to him about? How rich his grandfather was? What the hell? "Dad, everybody in freaking Newport knows that."

Sandy nodded unphazed. "Well, your grandfather also loved you very much." Seth snorted at that. He often thought Caleb looked on him as some kind of idiot, who he only tolerated because they shared the same genes. Not that he ever thought his grandfather genuinely didn't like him, but come on? Who did Caleb ever like except for maybe his daughter? "I know it seems hard to believe at times, seeing how he was such a money grubbing, heartless bastard."

"Sandy!"

Seth actually smiled at the strident tone of his mother. At least some things never changed. "Anyway, what I'm saying is that he did love you. And when you were born, he created a trust fund for you. I think it was the best way he knew how to express his affection."

"Uh, what?" This was news to him.

"Your mother and I helped him put it together."

"And you're just telling me this now?"

"We never wanted you to know until you were older, sweetie. We didn't want it to affect your decisions about your life."

"What your mother means is that I didn't want you to turn into another soulless Newpsie before you were 13."

"Oh wow." He had a trust fund? He had no idea what to say. He had always assumed, that considering his parents, a trust fund or something similar would certainly be in his future. He knew he would have never wanted for money if he ever needed it. And he had grown up a fairly spoiled child. But that still didn't decrease the surprise after all this time. After spending so many years with very little money to his name, he had completely forgotten what it was like to actually have an overabundance of money. "H-how much are we talking about here?"

"It's quite a lot, son. But it's based on certain conditions."

"How much?" He emphasized every word with calm seriousness.

Sandy sighed and rubbed a hand across his forehead. "A million dollars upon your graduation from college."

Seth had to sit down. He was a millionaire. He was. Not his parents, not his family, but him. Then Seth realized what his father had said. He laughed out loud and ignored the confused faces of his parents. How typical. He was rich but couldn't touch a single cent of his money because of how much his life sucked. "Wow."

"Um, that's not all, son." Sandy paused and looked like he didn't want to continue, but forced himself to keep going. "Another million on your 25th birthday."

Seth wanted to laugh again, but it was just too pathetically sad that he had all this money but couldn't touch it. It was a giant, cosmic joke. He was only 24. And he still questioned whether or not he'd ever reach 25, or older. "And another eight million if you ever accepted an upper management position with the Newport Group."

This time, Seth did laugh again, because that was never going to happen. "You know, grandpa always said I was the future of the company. I just never thought he meant it until now."

"I think my father considered it a kind of signing bonus if you ever joined the company."

"That's some bonus."

"Yeah, well, dad liked to think big." There was a definite sadness to his mother's words. He could only imagine what it must have been like for her, losing her son and her father in such a relatively short period of time.

"I'm not sure why you're telling me this now, though, seeing how I don't qualify for any of the conditions." Seth looked from his mother to his father, confused and still a little baffled.

His father reddened slightly. "To be honest, son, we were hoping if you knew about the trust fund, you'd be less likely to leave again."

"Oh." Well, that was to be expected. "I'm not going anywhere dad." That was mostly the truth. As much as he constantly felt the need to be alone, he had no plans to leave town again. He had come back to Newport to put his running away behind him, no matter how much he tried to regress. He wanted to change, he wanted his family back. He just wanted a life.

"We believe you." All three of them knew Sandy didn't truly mean his words. "But you understand why we might be a little, uh, apprehensive about things. Consider this our insurance policy."

Seth wasn't sure if he should be insulted that they thought he would care enough about the money to stick around just because of it, or if he should be grateful that he had an opportunity in front of him to recreate himself. Just thinking of all the things he could do with a million dollars made his head spin. "Thanks for letting me know. I just wish I could thank grandpa too."

"He would have loved that. He missed you."

"He did?" Seth was genuinely surprised.

"Yeah, he – uh – uh – I'm sorry, I need to use the bathroom." His mother sprung up from the couch, a hand covering her mouth, as she hurried to the nearest bathroom.

Seth stared after her in open shock. What had just happened? He'd never really seen his mother lose it like that. Except for the first time she had seen him a couple of days ago. He spun to face his dad and raised his eyebrows. "Dad?"

Sandy shifted on the coffee table, clearly uncomfortable. "Caleb and your mother had an argument right before his heart attack. It was, uh, kind about you."

"About me?" Seth squeaked and blushed. Why would anyone argue over him?

"Caleb was upset with how your mother and I handled things. And he, uh, in typical Caleb Nichol style, put most of the blame on Ryan. They argued, Caleb had a heart attack, and your mother has kind of blamed herself ever since."

Oh sweet Jesus and Moses, he had killed his grandfather. They had fought, over _him_. Seth could not say a word, even if he wanted to. He just wanted to crawl into the smallest hole and have it covered up after him. He was disgusted. He had killed his own grandfather. Holy shit. It was all he could think of. They had argued because of him, his grandfather had a heart attack because of him. If he had never left, it would have never happened. He killed his own grandfather.

Seth didn't say a word, he just stood up and calmly walked out the front door. He didn't look back, or stop when his father called after him, he just walked away. He killed his grandfather.

* * *

Summer's cell phone rang again. It had already gone off twice, and she had hung it up without answering both times. But whoever was calling her was being annoyingly persistent and it was seriously pissing her off. It was one in the morning for Christ's sake, who the hell could possibly be calling her now? What could they want or need that was so God damn important?

Resigned to the fact that she'd probably never fall back asleep if she didn't answer her phone, she pulled her cell phone to her ear and barked a greeting. At this point, she didn't care how pissed off she sounded. They were disturbing her precious sleeping cycle.

"Finally! Why the hell didn't you answer the first two times I called you?" Summer recognized Marissa's frustrated voice right away and felt a little guilty for ignoring her. But only a little.

"I was trying to sleep, Coop. What the hell do you want?" Woe to the person who got on Summer's bad side.

"We need your help. Seth's gone."

Summer was instantly awake, springing forward until she was sitting up. "What!?"

"Yeah, he's missing. We've been searching all over town for him but we can't find him. I thought maybe you might know something."

"Why would I know anything?" Summer practically spat the question out, afraid that Marissa had found out about her earlier confrontation with Seth.

Marissa sounded even more frustrated and a little pissed off. "I don't know. I'm kind of desperate here. I just thought – "

No. Hell fucking no. No. He was not going to do this to her again. She refused to be ditched by that curly haired loser a second time. Not when she was still trying to figure things out. "What the hell happened?" Summer didn't have time to listen to Marissa ramble on about her difficulties.

"I don't really know. He was talking to Sandy and Kirsten about something and he just bailed. Sandy is beside himself right now. He's totally freaking."

This was not happening. Not after this evening. He couldn't do this to her. She finally had a chance to make amends and now he was going to leave? Bullshit. "You don't think he's actually left town, do you?" Summer couldn't help sounding absolutely terrified of what Marissa's answer might be.

Marissa sighed and there were several seconds of dead silence. "No, I don't think so. Ryan and the Cohen's think he has, which is why they're going crazy, but I think he just wanted some space."

"Then – then maybe we should wait till morning? He might come back on his own." Not that she was going to listen to her own advice. She put Marissa on speaker and started to get dressed. She'd find him herself if she had to. She wasn't leaving this up to his whims.

"That's what I said, but I think for everyone's sanity, we need to find him as soon as possible." Marissa paused and her voice was nearly a whisper. "I'm a little afraid he might do something stupid and get himself hurt. He's not exactly in a very healthy place right now."

"You don't really mean that."

"I'm sorry, Sum, but yeah, I do."

"No, no, no, he can't do that." She was on the brink of having a serious panic attack. It was all she could do to lace up her shoes. She was all dressed up and ready to go but she was in too much shock from Marissa's revelation to move. "He's going to be fine."

"I hope so, I really do. Despite being annoying, I kind of like the guy."

"Yeah, so do I."

* * *

It took her much longer than she would have liked to find Seth, but she eventually located him in some dive bar about a mile from her house. She never would have thought to check the bars if it hadn't been for the way she had seen him drink his beer earlier. That had frightened her, seeing his comfort with the alcohol. He had never been known for his ability to hold his liquor, but he had downed the whole beer without any effects at all. It was highly disturbing.

She was a little surprised that the bar was still open, considering the hour, and even more surprised to see that Seth wasn't the only one inside. Did these people have no lives? Taking a look at her surroundings and wrinkling her nose at how much a dump the place was, she figured no. Seth had better appreciate what she was doing for him, actually willingly walking into such a disgusting, unsanitary place, far below her standards.

Still the utter and total relief she felt seeing her – she didn't even know what to call him. The relief she felt at seeing Seth's unruly head of hair, his upper body slouched over the bar counter, a half-drunk bottle of beer limply held in his hands, was enough to make the whole experience worthwhile. Thank God. It was all she could think at the moment. He was still here and he was still okay.

Of course, Summer being Summer, her happiness and palpable relief quickly transformed into a burning anger. The little shit, how dare he put her through this? How could he put his family through Hell after everything he'd already done to them? She was losing valuable sleep looking for his lame ass.

Stalking over to the bar, she sat down in a huff and smacked him on the shoulder. The bartender, a tall man with a shaggy beard and slightly stained shirt, looked at her amused. She simply glared at him and he walked away. Her attention back on Seth, she hit him again. "Cohen! What the hell is your problem? Your family is worried sick over you, God knows why, since you're totally not worth it!" She was still so pissed at him, and the fact that he was ignoring her, only made her angrier. Why wasn't he paying attention to her?

Seth's head lolled around to face her and he looked up with bleary, glazed over eyes. She sighed in disgust, he was drunk. And not just drunk, but absolutely hammered. This wasn't her Cohen, who the hell was this man? Seth didn't do this to himself. "S-Summer?"

"Yes, it's me, you ass." She hit him again, trying to knock some sense into him. He just picked up his bottle and tried to lift it to his lips. "What the hell are you doing?" She grabbed the bottle from his hand and pushed it away down the bar. He flailed for the bottle, nearly knocking himself and her off their bar stools. She shoved him in retaliation and he teetered on his stool for several seconds before he grabbed the bar counter and steadied himself.

"Sorry." He muttered the apology to her and stared at the peeling wood of the counter.

Summer groaned and stood up, grabbing his arm. "Come on, we need to get you home."

"My grandpa's dead."

With those three words, Summer instantly deflated. All her anger vanished. Aw damnit, how could she be mad at him when he sounded so pitiful and pathetic? Sitting back down, she cautiously placed her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it briefly. "I know, Cohen, I'm sorry." She felt terrible for him and she didn't quite know why.

"My grandpa's dead and it's my fault."

"What? Who told you that nonsense?" God, she could only imagine what was going through his head. No wonder he looked so miserable.

"Dad told me he died because of me." His eyes locked onto hers and she sucked in a breath. She had to avert her eyes; she couldn't look at the pain and complete desperation in his eyes any longer.

"He did what!?" She did what she did best when she didn't know how to handle complicated emotions: she got angry. Anger was easy to deal with, it was simple and uncomplicated, and it was as familiar to her as breathing. She was going to give Sandy Cohen a piece of her mind. What the hell did he think he was doing? How could he do that to his son? She was so angry she had to fight her urge to succumb to a rage blackout.

"He – he told me that mom and grandpa had a fight because of me and it caused his heart attack."

Summer grabbed Seth by the shoulder and made sure he was looking at her. She didn't know how much what she was about to say was going to get through his alcohol riddled mind, but she needed to try. "Seth, no. Okay? No. You didn't cause Caleb to die. He had a sick heart and even if you had never left, he would still have had a heart attack and he would still have died. You had nothing to do with it." She breathed deep and stared at Seth. She needed him to understand. She hated seeing him like this, it made her sick.

"If I had never left, maybe he would've lived a couple more years, maybe I would have had a chance," he stopped, swallowed, and closed his eyes, "to say goodbye."

"Oh Cohen, it's not your fault." She couldn't help herself, she had to do something to make him feel better, so she pulled him close and wrapped her arms around him. He didn't hug her back, but she heard him sigh and his whole body seemed to relax. She rubbed his back soothingly and whispered over and over again into his ear that it wasn't his fault.

"You smell good." He took a loud and obvious whiff. "You smell like peaches. I like peaches."

Summer stilled, warning bells sounding off in her head. He had just smelled her, like a dog. It was totally weird, and God help her, totally hot at the same time. What was wrong with her that she got turned on by him sniffing her like some animal? She was sick. She purposely but gently pulled her arms away from him. She needed some space. "Thank you."

"Do you taste like a peach too?"

Summer's breath caught in her throat. "No!" She barely managed to squeak out the word.

"You're pretty."

This was absurd. It was like he knew what he was doing. Drunken Seth was certainly a charmer. She blushed and lowered her eyes shyly. Oh Lord, what was wrong with her? Why did she let him get to her like this? He was drunk! He probably didn't even know what he was saying. So far he had been a remarkably coherent drunk in the sense that he spoke clearly and could follow his own thoughts, at least to a certain point, but he obviously appeared to just say whatever was on his mind. One minute he was maudlin, hating himself for things beyond his control, the next complimenting her with an almost childlike innocence. It was hard to rectify his drunken persona with his normal sober one. Lifting her eyes to settle on his face, she knew he was only reacting to her being so close; there was very little recognition of what he was saying in his eyes.

"I wish Caleb had had a chance to get to know you, I think he would have liked you."

Wow. She honestly didn't know what to say. That was one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to her. It wasn't the actual words; she had no real desire to know Caleb Nichol. Everything she had heard about him was that he was a domineering asshole who made Seth feel inferior, and she hated that. Only one person was allowed to talk to Seth that way and that was her, because she didn't actually mean the words, well most of the time she didn't, but the same couldn't be said for others. It wasn't the words he had spoken that made her feel warm, it was the way he said them, so softly and filled with absolute certainty; the way he looked at her, gentle and full of regret at lost opportunities; the way he made her feel included and the desire to make her a part of something important to him. She'd always known that Seth wanted her to be a part of his family, and she had always appreciated that, it was just – different this time. "Thank you, Cohen."

"I miss him. I miss everybody." He lowered his head to the bar counter and rested it atop the grainy wood.

"Cohen, can I ask you something?" Seth grunted and she took that as a yes. "Did you ever, uh, meet somebody while you were gone?" She had no idea why she was asking him this now, well she did, as she had been driving herself crazy with thoughts of him with other girls ever since her encounter with him earlier, but she felt almost dirty asking him while he was so obviously out of it. She figured this might be her only chance to get this kind of information from him, while he was too wasted to realize what he was saying. She felt terrible for taking advantage of him like that, but she needed to know where he, and she, stood.

"I met lots of people."

Summer frowned. "No, you idiot, I mean did you find anybody, um, special?"

Seth lifted his head, his forehead red and pocked from resting on the bar. "Oh, you mean girls." Summer could only nod her head, she was too apprehensive about what he might say to speak. She didn't know why it was so important to her, after all, she had been with many different guys since Seth, what did it matter if he had been with any girls? He had every right to and the fact that she was even asking made her feel like a stupid jealous girlfriend. But she just needed to know. "One. Only one that meant anything."

"One? That's it?" One girl? No way. He had to be lying. She knew he wasn't exactly known for his prowess with the opposite sex, but she refused to believe any guy as amazing as him had only been with one girl in the entire time he had been gone. It was eight fucking years. No way. She couldn't accept that. She hadn't screwed him up that badly. Just no way.

A dead look overcame his eyes. "Yeah, just one. Her name was Kat."

She suddenly felt like a huge whore and immediately hated herself for it. What the hell was wrong with her? She didn't need to apologize for how she was or who she spent her time with. She would not let anybody make her feel bad for living her life the way she did. Even if that person was Seth Cohen and even if she was overwhelmed with guilt over everything she had done to him. So what?

She forced herself not to lash out at Seth. He hadn't done anything, she had no reason to get angry at him. He was just an easy target because he reminded her of everything she hated and despised most about herself. "What was she like?"

"She reminded me a lot of you. Probably why I liked her." Summer blushed.

"That's kind of creepy, Cohen. Couldn't have me so you tried to find my clone?" Shut up! What was she saying? Truth was, she found the thought that the only girl he had gotten close to in all this time was like her, kind of sweet in a sad kind of way. It was proof to her that a part of him still looked at her like he used to.

Seth's eyes hardened and he turned away from her. "She was mean like you too." He motioned for the bartender and the man brought over a fresh bottle of beer.

She wanted to argue with him, deny being mean, deny ever doing anything to make him say that, but she couldn't. She was mean, always had been and probably always would be. She had treated Seth horribly, even when they had briefly been together, and after, well she didn't like to think about that. She was never more ashamed or disappointed in herself than those few months after she had left Seth. And then Seth had left town and she changed. He changed her. Before Seth could take even one sip from the bottle, Summer snatched it from his hands and took a drink. It was bitter and sharp, not like the kind of beer she was used to. Seth tried to grab the beer from her but he was too uncoordinated from his inebriation to manage more than a half-hearted attempt. "Why was she mean?"

Seth gave her the pout that she had always found irresistible and she slid the beer back to him. He drank half of it right away. "She told me she loved me."

Summer already didn't like this girl. Still, she failed to see how telling Seth that she loved him could possibly be bad. "And that was mean?"

Seth drained the rest of the beer without a pause and said tonelessly, "She lied."

"Oh." Now she understood and decided right then and there to hate this girl forever. Seth looked so broken and lifeless that she couldn't help it. She just wanted to make him feel better, she wanted to show him that there was still a part of life worth living for. It just wasn't fair. It was like he was never going to have any luck with women, they all screwed him in the end. And she put herself firmly at the top of the list. "What did she do, Cohen?"

Seth didn't say anything for a while, fiddling with a splinter of wood from the bar counter. "I was with her for a long time. I thought I loved her, no, I did love her."

Summer closed her eyes briefly but let the flash of pain at those words dissipate quickly. She had been with many guys since Seth, but she had never loved any of them. Not even close. She had barely even tolerated some of them. But now was not the time for her own issues, she needed to be there for Seth. "It's okay, Cohen. You can tell me."

Seth turned toward her and he grabbed her hand, holding it in his and squeezing it tightly. Summer's eyes immediately went to their joined hands, a little taken aback, but trying hard not to care that he was willingly touching her. She looked back to his face, and he looked distant, almost in a different place. "She made me want to change. Before Kat, I just drifted from city to city, never staying, never doing anything. She made me stop. She made me want to get a job, get my own place, finish high school. She made me want to be better."

"That's good, Cohen." No it wasn't, but she couldn't actually say that out loud. She was so confused. On the one hand, she wanted Seth to be happy, to have a good life, to feel safe, and on the other hand, she didn't want him to want those feelings with anybody but her. Yeah, she was selfish like that, but she didn't care. The worst part was, she wasn't even sure she wanted to try again with Seth. Not only because she seriously doubted he still felt anything for her, and not because she was dating Nick, but because so much in her own life had changed and she wasn't the same person she was. They had both obviously grown up, and were not the same people; especially Seth, he was almost an entirely different person.

But there was no denying the heat and weird feelings she felt inside of her just from Seth holding her hand. There was no denying how seriously close she had come earlier from jumping him in the kitchen just because he had unknowingly touched her back. It was so intimate and yet such a natural thing between them that she had lost her head. Just one touch, that was all it took for her to forget everything except for the way he was touching her and the way he was looking at her. There was nobody that did that to her but him. She couldn't deny that even if she wanted to.

Seth squeezed her hand extra hard and she winced, but didn't say anything, afraid to break him from his trance. "Not good. She lied to me!" And he squeezed her hand again, this time impossible for her not to make her discomfort known. Seth focused his eyes on her face and she just knew he was thinking of her and how she had lied to him too. She sighed, there was that pesky guilt again. "She told me she loved me and it was nothing more than a lie." The bitterness in his voice was enough to make her turn away.

"How do you know it was a lie, Cohen? Maybe she really did love you."

"I found out she was cheating on me. With her _boyfriend_." Seth spat out the last word extremely hateful and Summer almost recoiled. She hadn't heard Seth use that tone of voice since he'd yelled at her for dating Mark May in high school. It brought back too many painful memories. Seth didn't care or seem to notice her reaction and let go of her hand and motioned for the bartender to come over. "Whiskey. I don't care what kind."

That was enough. The last thing he needed was more alcohol. She waved the bartender away, giving him an extra spiteful glare for good measure. She ignored Seth's protestations and stood up, grabbing hold of his arm, and began dragging him to one of the wobbly tables in a corner. At least if he was away from the bar, it would be harder for him to drink. He might even lose interest.

She sat him down and reached across the table to smack him lightly across the head. "Listen to me, Cohen!" She waited until she had his attention before continuing on, "You are not drinking anymore. Getting drunk is not the way to deal with your problems."

"Fuck you. What do you know about my problems? You are my problems!" Seth yelled at her and angrily stood up. "God, why can't you just leave me alone? I never did anything to you." Seth continued to just stand there, looking down at her with naked anger and hate in his eyes, but not leaving.

Summer literally had nothing to say. If this were any other circumstance, with any other person, she already knew what she would have done: she'd probably commit some act of physical violence, yell and curse the person, and then storm out. But it was Seth and he was right, she was partly to blame for how he was. Really, she just felt like crying. He never talked to her that way, only once before and that had been the second worst day of her life. "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help. If you want me to, I'll leave." She sounded so timid and unlike her, but that was what he did to her.

Seth softened completely, the fire gone from his eyes, and he collapsed into his chair, covering his face with his hands. "I'm sorry, Summer. You shouldn't have to deal with a screw-up like me." Seth looked up briefly. "You are a good person, Summer. I don't think I ever told you that enough." He went back to hiding his face.

It was like a complete 180 with him. Seth had never been good at hiding his emotions, but drunk, he was even worse. He just floated around, pinging back and forth between good and bad, happy and sad, angry and calm, always changing at breakneck speed. Summer was exhausted. She tentatively reached out and placed her hand on his forearm, brushing against his soft hair. It tickled and reminded her so much of how she loved to play with it when they were together. "It's okay, I just want to help you." She stroked his arm slowly. "Tell me more about Kat?"

"I don't want to."

"I know, Cohen, but it might help you feel better."

"What do you care?"

Summer had to remember that he was drunk. He was drunk. It wasn't his fault, not completely. If she lost her temper, she'd lose whatever headway she'd made with him. "I care about you."

Now Seth looked up, visible surprise all over. "You do?"

"Yes, you idiot, of course I do."

Seth snorted and almost smiled at her. "You have a funny way of showing it sometimes."

Summer couldn't resist the need to grin. "What can I say? I'm a complicated woman."

Seth became silent and was looking at her so intently she felt the hairs along the back of her neck tingle. He looked like he wanted to devour her and possess her completely at the same time. It made her a little light headed. "Sometimes, at night, when I can't sleep, I still think of you and the way you said my name while I was inside of you."

Oh dear God, her whole body flushed and she had to break eye contact. "Um, okay, Cohen."

"Then I think about your smile, and the way your breath sped up as I stroked your hip, and the way you begged me to finally let you come."

Summer sat up straight in her chair, holding her arms firmly to her side, hands tightly coiled in her lap. She felt like she was on fire, that his voice was cascading over her in waves, adding more encouragement to the heat spreading throughout her. She felt her breath speed up, her head lighten even more, and her ability to process thought break down completely. It had been so long since he'd talked to her like this, since he'd looked at her like he was. It didn't matter that he was drunk, it only mattered that finally, after so long, she felt like someone wanted all of her. She missed it, missed feeling his skin against hers. She needed him.

She had to keep her hands to herself, it was the only way she could be sure she didn't do anything stupid like reach across the table, pull him atop it, and just fuck him right there. Holy shit, what was he doing? There was no way he was still drunk. No way. "Cohen, stop." She sounded desperate, but that was because she was desperate.

He just ignored her and continued on. "Then I think about all the things I ever wanted to do to you, all the ways I wanted to make you feel, all the things I ever wanted to say. And I would wish that I would finally get the opportunity." His tongue snaked out and slowly wet his lips. Summer was transfixed. A bomb could have gone off in the bar and she wouldn't have cared or noticed because all she could think about was his tongue, and his lips, and all the things he had ever done to her with them. She was almost past the point of no return.

"Tonight, when I saw you at the front door, I hated you. I hated you so much that I almost didn't let you inside. I wanted to yell and scream and tell you that I never wanted to see you again." He stopped and moved his chair around the table until he was sitting right next to her. He pried her hand away from her lap and held it in his own, gently stroking the top of it with his thumb. He stared at her until she locked eyes with him, and he smiled slightly. "But I didn't, because you're you. You still drive me crazy, make me think things I wish I didn't. Like how badly I wanted to grab you in the kitchen, carry you to the couch, rip off that ridiculously short skirt you were wearing, and get reacquainted with you with my tongue." And then he licked his lips.

She knew right there that he was playing with her. Whether he was doing it on purpose, just to be mean, or whether he unconsciously was trying to see how far she would go, it was plainly obvious that he was trying to push her to her limits. She knew it like she had never been surer of anything in her life. She _knew_. But she still didn't care. She was done. Rational thought had left the building a while ago, and she had never been more turned on in her life. She was going to make him follow through. She was getting laid tonight and screw Seth if he didn't agree. He had no choice in the matter. "Come on." She stood up, dragged Seth to his feet, and started pulling him to the exit.

"Where are we going?"

"To my place. You're going to do all those things to me you just said."

"Wait, what things?"

Fuck. No no no no. Fuck. She looked back at him, saw his completely blank face, and froze. This was not happening. It was seriously not happening. She couldn't do that to him, couldn't take advantage of him like that. She still questioned whether or not he was actually still drunk, but she couldn't risk it. Seth wasn't that good an actor, was he? He really didn't look like he remembered. God damnit!

Summer sighed and turned around to face Seth, a rueful smile on her face. "Never mind, Cohen. Come on, let's get you home." She would just have to take care of her problem when she was alone.

"I don't want to go back there now. Can I stay with you?"

She couldn't say yes. She absolutely could not say yes. She doubted she had the will power to resist him again if he tried anything. It would be bad, very, very bad. But she couldn't say no. "Yeah, Cohen, you can sleep in one of the guest rooms. The one downstairs." She felt it was important that she qualified that. She would put him as far away from her as she could.

Seth surprised her by hugging her. Having his body pressed up against hers while still in her heightened state of arousal was very cruel. "Thank you, Summer, I really appreciate it."

"It's the least I could do."

She really had no idea how she was going to make it through the night without screwing up.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note**: Thank you to those who reviewed and thanks for your patience over the two week break. I very much appreciate it. I am not sure how often I will be able to update during the next few weeks as it's near the end of the semester, but I will try to get at least another chapter up within that timeframe. Oh, and I think many of you were expecting something to happen at Summer's house, to that, all I can say is: Like I would be that nice. Heh.

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Summer trudged into Marissa's kitchen extremely tired. She had gotten no sleep at all the night before. She was miserable. She was exhausted. And she was still fucking horny as hell. God damn Seth Cohen.

In the end, the night had ended rather anti-climactically. Summer wasn't that surprised. Disappointed, but not surprised. She had learned long ago that drunks couldn't be counted on for anything other than being drunk. The only real difficulty she had in dealing with Seth was guiding him into her house safely. Thankfully, he had been at least coherent enough to still walk.

It had been relatively easy to get Seth into bed. Not like she wanted, but that was probably for the best. He didn't struggle, didn't argue, and didn't even make one innuendo, which a sober Seth would certainly have done. She just pointed him in the right direction and he was so out of it at that point he collapsed on top of the bed without comment. She left him there. There was no way she was going to try and undress him, because she knew she wouldn't be able to handle it. Besides, she considered it an apt punishment, sleeping in his smelly clothes all night, for getting her so worked up. When she was satisfied that he was out, she had gone upstairs to her bedroom and promptly taken care of her own problem, or at least she tried to.

It was sad that she had a more powerful orgasm on her own, just thinking about Seth touching her, than she ever had with Nick. It wasn't Nick's fault, not really. She actually _liked_ sex with Nick, which wasn't always the case with her partners. He was one of the better lovers she'd had throughout the years. Still, her boyfriend couldn't compete with all the issues surrounding the skinny freak downstairs. There was too much history there, too much unresolved sexual tension, even after all this time, for her not to get overly excited at the thought of him, especially the thought of him touching her.

It relaxed her at first and when she thought she was finally going to fall asleep, her mind would drift off, which was normal, but instead of thinking of school, or what she was going to wear tomorrow, or if that sale at South Coast was tomorrow or the day after, she would think about what Seth had told her about being unable to sleep at night. And then she would remember how it felt when he stroked the skin of her inner thigh, or when he cradled her breast in his hand like a precious piece of china, or the way he whispered her name into her ear as he moved inside of her, and she'd get turned on all over again. Rinse and repeat. This went on for hours and it was pure torture. After a while, it just got pointless because nothing was working, and she still wasn't feeling any less horny, and Seth was still downstairs, completely out of reach. She had to fight the urge multiple times to wake up Seth and make him solve her problem. It was easily one of the most miserable nights she'd had in recent memory.

It was like nothing had changed. She was still the same hormone-driven teenager, who for some ungodly reason that she still couldn't understand, found sex, or any intimate contact, with the biggest loser on the planet the most enjoyable and satisfying experience of her life. Summer had always enjoyed sex, especially once she started having it regularly. In fact, she enjoyed it very much. She could thank Seth for that. He had showed her what a wonderful experience it could be. Not because he'd been a great lover, quite the opposite, but the potential between them, the potential to be amazing and out of this world, had always enthralled her. She had never stopped searching for that feeling with others, and had always come up short. It was what had kept her coming back to Seth, had forced her to confess to him that she was as inexperienced as he was. She was his first, and he was her first, and they helped each other come to their own awakenings regarding sex and intimacy.

She'd had several partners over the years that had made her feel fantastic and sated, but it had always been different with Seth. He wasn't as skilled or as experienced as many of the men she'd been with, but then he'd never had their opportunities. The fact that he'd been downright terrible had never bothered her, not really. It had only mattered to her in the sense that she would be forced to expose a vulnerable side of her self that she had sworn never to do. But she did, because the way he looked at her was nothing she'd ever seen before. And she knew now she would do anything, risk anything, to have him always look at her like that. The absolute adoration, the blind devotion, the belief that she was the most beautiful and precious girl on the planet was such an addictive feeling it was impossible to ignore.

That is what made Seth so special to her. Despite his fumbling and awkwardness, it had never stopped him from instinctively knowing just how to touch her, how to make her feel, despite all the uneasy moments. She had yet to experience the kind of emotionally sexual highs with anyone else that she'd had with Seth. And they had only had sex together for a little over a week before everything went to shit. Yet in that time, in that small, seemingly insignificant timeframe, he had made an indelible mark on her that would stay with her forever.

Marissa had always made fun of her for her obsessive need to constantly touch him and be close to him. Whether that meant they had sex or they just spent the night together, sleeping in the same bed, Summer loved the feelings Seth invoked in her. Summer had never cared about Marissa's teasing, because it was worth the embarrassment her best friend heaped on her. And she knew that sometimes she could go a little overboard at times, and she knew that sometimes she had freaked Seth out with her intensity, but she loved what she loved and wasn't about to apologize for it. If she wanted sex, she would have sex. If she didn't, then she wouldn't. If she wanted In-N-Out, then she would. If she wanted that new pair of shoes, then she would. It was all the same principle in her mind. Seth got to her like no one else ever had and she was absolutely positive no one else would. Summer liked feeling physically spent, fulfilled, taken care of, special, all things she felt when Seth and her had were together. She'd do anything to feel that way now.

Unfortunately, Seth hated her. Well, she didn't know if he literally hated her, because he sure as hell hadn't been acting like it lately, but she did know he was completely confused about her. And she didn't want to push him too hard and make him leave again. She needed to give him time to sort everything out, to decide how he felt about her, to figure out that it would be okay to forgive her for every single shitty thing she had ever done to him. That was what she was most afraid of, that he'd never forgive her. It terrified her. After the way she had treated him, humiliated him, lied to him, was it even possible for him to forgive her? She desperately hoped so. She had to make things right.

Marissa lifted her head and gazed at her, a smile beginning to form on her face. "Wow, you look like shit."

Summer did her best to glare murderously at her best friend, but she was too tired to put much effort in it. "Shut up, I had a long night."

Marissa grinned. "Oh, really?"

"Nothing happened, Coop." Unfortunately, she wanted to add, but stopped herself in time.

"I never said anything did."

Summer stuck her tongue out at Marissa and moped over to the coffee, pouring a cup. The hot liquid hit her tongue and she sighed in satisfaction. God she needed this. "How is he anyway?" When she had made her way downstairs in the morning to check on Seth, he was gone. There had been a note on the bed, in his distinctive scrawl, thanking her for taking care of him and that he had left for home to face the music.

"All right, I think. He and Sandy had a talk, and he apologized to everybody for worrying them. He's upstairs in the shower right now."

Summer closed her eyes and immediately thought of Seth wet and naked and cursed Marissa for putting the images in her head. That was probably why she blurted out, "I almost had sex with him last night."

Marissa's eyes widened and she gasped. "Summer! You didn't!"

Summer growled, frustrated. "Exactly! I didn't. I came sooo close though. I just couldn't do it while he was drunk and probably didn't know what was going on."

"But you wanted to?"

"Oh God, you have no idea."

"What about Nick?"

"I broke up with him this morning." As soon as she had found Seth gone, she had called Nick and told him her decision about London. She wasn't going. They had argued, he had wanted to stay together even while he was gone, but she had nipped that idea in the bud. It wasn't fair to him. He shouldn't have to spend four months in a city as wonderful as London pining after a girl who no longer felt invested in the relationship. One who was not only no longer invested in the relationship, but intent on starting something with someone else. He should be free to find someone who could feel for him just as strong as he felt for her.

She really had seriously considered going to London with him, but Seth had brought up too many feelings and memories inside of her to continue lying to Nick. She wasn't the same girl she used to be; she wasn't into toying with people's emotions and leading them on like she had before. After what happened with Seth, she realized screwing with people like that wasn't as fun as she had thought it was. When she concluded that a relationship was going nowhere, she broke it off right then and there. Sometimes it was abrupt, and sometimes she left her boyfriends confused and hurt, but she was serious about no longer hurting people more than she had to, no longer treating people like crap. She tried to be as honest as she could, even if that meant she never got close to anybody. Because she couldn't. That just wasn't her style, it was against her rules. But still, she tried as best she could not to make them think she was as invested in the relationship as much as they were.

"Wow, Sum, are you sure that was a good idea? It may be – uh – a little premature."

Summer dismissed Marissa's question with a wave of her hand. She knew what Marissa was alluding to but didn't care. Seth was not the only reason why she had ended it. "You know how it goes."

"But I thought you and Nick were getting more serious than usual."

"I briefly considered it, but then Seth came back, and well, you know."

"Oh right, Seth." Marissa smirked and looked down at the bagel she was eating.

"Yeah, yeah, Coop." Marissa was the only person who knew how she really felt about Seth, the only person she had admitted her true feelings to. She had been there for her breakdown when she'd found out Seth was gone. Summer had told her everything. Why she had treated Seth the way she did, why she'd broken it off with him, everything. Marissa had supported her, comforted her, and helped put things into perspective. Marissa had been her rock and she would be forever grateful for it. Still, Marissa had never been above the occasional tease or dig about her relationship with Seth.

"I'm just surprised a little surprised at how fast you are taking things. You know, considering all the stuff that happened before."

Summer frowned and sat down next to her friend. "I don't think I'm moving too fast. I'm still not sure what I want."

"Right. And what did you want last night again?"

Summer leaned into Marissa with her shoulder, nudging her none too gently. "Shut up. That's so not the same."

"Does he even remember?"

"I have no idea, I haven't talked to him since last night."

"Do you want him to remember?" Marissa was looking at her curiously.

"I – I don't know." Summer swallowed some more coffee and thought about what else to say. "A part of me does, because then it'd be easier to deal with all this stuff between us. But the other part doesn't, because then I could probably never look him in the eye again."

"That bad?"  
"It was terrible, Marissa. I was literally dragging him out the door."

Marissa laughed loudly and polished off the last of her bagel. "Oh that's bad."

Summer blushed and stared into the black pool of her coffee. "I'm embarrassed enough as it is, Coop."

Marissa shook her head. "I don't see what the big deal is. You've never been all that in control around Seth anyway, so who cares if he finds out you still go crazy around him? That's a good thing if you ask me." Marissa stopped and licked some cream cheese off her finger. "Have you thought about asking him for another chance? He might say yes."

Summer shook her head in complete denial. "He hates me." She kind of moaned in despair.

"I think he'll say yes." Marissa sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as Summer. "It may take him a while, and you'll have to apologize a lot and do some begging, but he'll give in eventually."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I'm married to his brother."

"Seth said something about me to Ryan?" Summer sounded so pathetically happy at the prospect she blushed.

Marissa leaned close to her and whispered, "Look, they would both kill me if they ever heard I told you anything, but Ryan told me Seth said some things about you when they had their big talk a couple of days ago."

"Good things? Bad things? Come on, Coop, you gotta give me more here."

"I don't know exactly, but Ryan didn't give me the impression that you should be worried."

Wow, maybe there was a chance for her after all. She hoped there was, she needed there to be one, for her own sake. "But then it is Ryan, so I can't be sure." Summer's elation died a little, but she was surprised at how optimistic she felt. She wasn't going to get discouraged easily.

"I had no idea. He's not really shown any sign that he feels that way so far."

"What about last night?"

"Oh he was drunk and I'm hot, why wouldn't he want me?" Summer said it absently, not really realizing what she had said, already thinking about how she could approach Seth for her second chance.

Marissa just chuckled. "Sometimes, your confidence amazes me."

"It ain't confidence when it's the truth."

Seth walked into the kitchen at that very moment, hand running through his hair. Summer froze, all thoughts abruptly stopped, all she could do was look nervously at the object of her every thought lately. "Good morning, ladies."

He grabbed himself a cup of coffee and started foraging inside a cupboard for some cereal. Summer stared at him. Was he not going to acknowledge her? Did he really remember nothing?

"Hey, Seth, how you feeling?"

"Pretty good, Cooper. The shower really helped." He filled his bowl with cereal, poured milk over it, and stood in front of them, hip resting against the counter.

"That's good. How'd you sleep last night?"

Summer whirled around to shoot daggers at Marissa, trying to subtly motion with her hands for her friend to shut the hell up. Marissa just grinned slyly at her. Seth seemed completely oblivious. "For some reason, I woke up in the strangest place." Seth turned his gaze to rest on Summer, his eyebrows raised in curiosity. "I don't suppose you know anything about that?"

"Somebody begged me not to make him go home. What was I supposed to do?" Summer blushed but glared defiantly at Seth. He just smirked.

"Hey, Marissa, do you think I could talk to Summer alone for a minute?"

Marissa looked from Seth and then to Summer. She shrugged her shoulders, ignoring the desperate look Summer was sending her not to leave her alone. "Sure thing. I need to go check on Mikayla anyway."

Summer glared at Marissa until she left the kitchen. What a traitor! How could Marissa just abandon her like that, at a time where she needed her friend most? "So, um, about last night – "

Seth jumped in and began talking. "I want to say thank you for making sure I was okay. I really appreciate it."

Summer blushed and stared at her coffee cup. There was only a little of her liquid savior left and it was a lot more safe to look at than Seth. "It was nothing. I just wish you didn't drink like that."

Seth shrugged and played with his spoon in his cereal. "So do I."

"Why do you do it then?"

"Because it's easier than dealing with my problems."

"You can't run away from everything, Cohen, it always catches up to you."

"I know." He walked over to the seat Marissa had just left and nodded at it, as if asking her permission if it was okay he sat next to her. She quickly nodded her agreement. "Still, that's a part of my life that I'm not very proud of and you were there for me. I don't really know what to say but thank you."

"You scared me." She didn't look at him, and she wasn't speaking very loudly, but she knew she had his complete attention. "I care a lot about you and I didn't like seeing you like that."

Seth studied her quietly for a while. Summer tried not to fidget or act nervous, but it was hard. Seth's eyes were calm and insistent, washing over her body, staring at her face. It was like he was trying to see inside of her. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

She was afraid of what it was going to be. "Yeah, of course."

"Do you still have feelings for me?"

Summer stopped breathing and stared hard at her coffee. Wow, that was uncharacteristically blunt for Seth. She knew what she wanted to say, knew what she needed to say it if she had any hope for things getting better between them. But she didn't know if she could do it. If she did, she'd be permanently out there, he'd know, and she'd be vulnerable. Ultimately though, she knew what she had to do. "Yes, I think so."

"So do I."

She felt like jumping up and down and cheering, but managed to contain her excitement to a faint smile. "So what does this mean?"

"Are you still with your boyfriend?" He paused and seemed to be considering his words. He added, "I don't mean to pry into things that aren't my business or to sound jealous, because I'm not, I just want to make it clear that while I have no idea what I want or even how I truly feel, I don't even want to start on that path with you if you're still involved with him. I'm not going to ask you to break up with him for me, or anything stupid like that, but I have no intention of getting in the middle of someone's relationship." Seth ended his ramble with a quick intake of breath.

"No, I broke up with him this morning." She studied his reaction and made note of all the different emotions that played across his face: surprise, pleasure, apprehension, and ultimately satisfaction.

"Well, I am sort of sorry."

"Thanks, I think." She smiled faintly at him, so far pleased with how things were going. "It's okay, I kind of knew it was coming."

"Because of me?"

"Yeah, a little, but mostly because I just didn't feel as strongly for him as I used to and that started before you ever showed up."

"That's good, because I don't want to be the reason why you did it. I went through something like that once and I refuse to ever go through something like that again." He looked down at the countertop, and mumbled, "Not again."

Summer immediately thought of what he'd told her about Kat and her boyfriend and winced. It looked like breaking things off with Nick had been a good thing, because she doubted Seth would even be talking to her about this if she hadn't. "You weren't." She was totally lying, but Seth never had to know. She never would have ended it were it not for Seth. Yeah, her feelings for Nick had waned, but she still thought they had a few good months left in them. Well, if Nick wasn't going to be leaving for London in a few weeks, then she wouldn't have ended it. So maybe it wasn't Seth's fault after all. "How do you feel about all this?"

"I don't know."

"Do you – do you still hate me? Are you still angry over everything?" What a stupid question, but she still was desperately hoping he'd say no.

Seth didn't say anything for a while, but when he did, he was very quiet. "Yes."

Whatever high she had felt from his earlier admission was completely gone now. "Oh."

"I am so confused, Summer. When I look at you, I feel everything. I feel all the hate, anger, and pain you caused me. But I also feel the love, desire, and desperate need to be with you. I don't know what to do." He sounded so frustrated, so lost and confused, that she just had to hug him. So she did.

He was stiff at first, but he quickly responded. He sighed, and she felt him push his face deeper into her hair. "I completely understand, Cohen. I'm confused too. I don't know what to feel, but I know that ever since I saw you that morning, I can't stop thinking about you."

Seth squeezed her tightly and then pulled away. "I just don't think I can do it, Summer. Not again."

"No, you can. I promise that the same thing won't happen this time. I've changed." She was eager, fervent in her plea for him not to lose hope. To believe it was worth trying again, like she did.

Seth stood up, putting some distance between them. "It's not that, it's everything before. What you did to me – how do I not think about it? The way you laughed at me – " His voice trailed off into a pained whisper. "I still hear it, still see you with – with _him_."

And here it was, the one thing she had been most afraid of. She had no comeback, no way of refuting his objection. She couldn't even really apologize. What apology could ever be adequate enough? Because he was right. What she had done to him was so horrible no reasonable person would ever forgive or forget. But he had to, he just had to. She refused to let this be the reason why it couldn't work. She refused to let her past mistakes dictate her present life. "You don't have to not think about it, Cohen, you just have to give me the opportunity to show you that it won't happen again. I can't apologize enough for what I did or how I acted. I won't tell you to forget it, because there's no way you can. I just want you to consider the possibility that maybe, it's something we can try to work through together."

Seth nodded, hopefully taking her words to heart. "I just need time to think. Time to get used to being around you all the time. I mean, how do I know that everything between us isn't some latent feelings being dredged up from seeing you for the first time in eight years?"

She felt a sharp sting at his words, but didn't let them discourage her. After all, he was right. She had doubted the validity of her own feelings countless times since he'd arrived. How did she know it wasn't just guilt making her feel this way? How did she know when she looked at Seth, she wasn't seeing the boy whose heart she had broken, and merely wanted to make him feel better out of pity? She didn't know for sure, not 100, but she was willing to trust that her feelings were genuine. That she hadn't been going out of her mind for the last 12 hours because of guilt. "I don't know, Cohen. I've wondered the same thing. I just have faith they're not."

Seth nodded again. "You are probably right, I guess." He ran a hand through his hair. "I just need time. I need to think over everything and find my answer." He looked away slightly. "I'm sorry, but I just need to make sure that you won't hurt me again."

"That's fine, and I completely understand." This was going much better than she had ever hoped. He actually seemed to be genuinely considering it. "But you believe me when I say that you can trust me and that I mean everything I've said now?"

"Y-Yes."

Well, that didn't have the conviction she had been hoping for, but maybe she had asked that question a little too soon. "Okay, because I do. I want to at least try, Cohen. I mean, at the very least, we can be friends, right?"

Seth smiled at her, slightly, enough to show off his dimples. "I do miss you."

Summer had never considered herself a swooning kind of girl, but at that moment, she thought it very appropriate. She somehow managed not to do so however. How embarrassing would that have been? "I miss you too."

* * *

**Preview**: The calm before the storm, people. The calm before the storm.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note**: Thank you to my reviewers. I'm glad you are enjoying the story. To those of you who said the truce of sorts between Seth and Summer was fast or wouldn't last long, all I can say is, interesting point. This may be the last update for a while, as it's the end of the semester and I have three papers to write (one of which is 30 pages long!), so I may not update very frequently. Just hope you guys understand. And yes, before you guys really start to wonder even more, I do know what I'm doing with this story.

* * *

Things had been going so well before everything crashed down around her ears. She had Seth at ease. They had not been talking about anything serious, at least not often; she resolutely avoided anything that might make him nervous, scared, angry, or remind him of the past. She kept it light, she flirted as well as she had ever flirted before, she made sure he felt safe. She knew they needed to have a long, in-depth conversation about things eventually, but she also knew that they needed to develop some kind of comfortable rapport between them first. If they had the talk too early, it could put him off the idea entirely. Too late, and he'd begin to wonder if she wanted to discuss it at all. She needed to find the right opportunity, but at the moment, she was more concerned about being there for him, and helping him slowly ease into things.

They were sitting next to each other on the couch. They had been talking for at least an hour. She was doing her best to keep her hands to herself, but it was more difficult than she thought it would be, and she found herself constantly touching his arm and his thigh. He didn't seem to mind, he was even frequently smiling. He didn't laugh much, and he was still tense around her, but she was pleased with how things were going. He actually seemed to be enjoying himself.

And then it happened. The doorbell rang and she was there, the last person on the entire planet that she wanted to see. The one person who could ruin everything for her and destroy all the progress she was making. Anna fucking Stern.

It was like a scene out of some ridiculous romantic comedy. The reuniting of two long separated lovers, overcome at the sight of each other after so long. Seth scrambled to his feet, obviously surprised but still with a big smile on his face, and he practically ran to envelop Anna in the kind of hug that made her insanely jealous. It was like he forgot she was even there.

Anna squealed in excitement, she laughed, she grinned, and she hugged Seth as tightly as he hugged her. Seth even managed to lift her off the ground a bit. Summer was absolutely disgusted. She felt sick to her stomach. Seth hadn't looked at her like that since they'd dated. The excitement and happiness that was apparent on his face was like a knife digging into her slowly and then twisting. When he looked at her now, she saw some emotion she might call love, it was buried deep under his anger and hurt and fear, but it was still there. But it _was_ buried, and on the surface, it was easier to see desire and need in his eyes than affection. He looked at her like he wanted to sleep with her, with the possible implication of something more, and she had been okay with that because she saw it as a path to something greater and deeper. He always had that particular look in his eyes; it was a testament to his unceasing desire for her. Even after all this time, his attraction had not waned, and that had made her happy. If he still wanted her, then she'd eventually win out. But it was too early to expect any more real feelings than the intense attraction that had always been a key part of their relationship. Certainly not any that could be declared openly or that she could read in his always expressive eyes. However, seeing the way he looked at Anna, like he wanted to love her and tell her all his problems, that he wanted to open up to her and share his emotions, that he felt safe and happy with her, made her realize that she was only fooling herself. Who cares if he wanted to fuck her? He could have that and so much more with Anna. She felt dirty and useless and already replaced. Anna was here, what did he need her for?

Marissa appeared over her shoulder. "Who's at the – oh, it's Anna."

Summer craned her head to look up at her towering friend. There was a slight smile on her face as she watched Seth and Anna interact. Summer began to get angry. This wasn't fair. Even her best friend seemed happy Anna was here. This was not fair. She had been so close, she knew it, but now Anna was here interfering in everything. All she had needed was a few more days.

Angrily, she stood up and latched onto Marissa's arm. She began pulling Marissa toward the kitchen, away from the nauseatingly happy couple. "What the fuck is she even doing here?" Summer seethed the words as she dragged Marissa.

Marissa extracted her arm from Summer's crushing grip and looked at her scornfully, moving her arm in circles to get some feeling back. "I don't know, Sum, maybe because she's Seth's best friend?"

"Best friends my ass. Did you see the way he looked at her? The way she held onto him?" Summer scoffed and shook her head.

"Yes and did you think it might have to do with the fact that they haven't seen each other in years? Just relax, Sum. She's his friend, that's all."

Relax? Bullshit. How was she supposed to relax when that damn blonde haired pixie was getting in her way again? She still blamed Anna for planting that seed of doubt in her mind all those years ago about Seth's dedication to their relationship. If Seth had wanted her so bad and for so long then why had he dated the stupid bitch from Pittsburg first? She probably would have never thought he'd leave her or get bored of her if he hadn't been so interested in someone who was so different from herself. That had always bugged her more than she liked to admit.

It wasn't that she didn't like Anna, she just hated everything Anna was more, which was the perfect match for Seth. There had been that brief period after the Thanksgiving debacle where they had come to a kind of friendly understanding. Then there had been a glimmer of potential friendship. They had found common ground and were bonding over their mutual dissatisfaction with Seth, but that had only lasted a few days and the war had been back on. On her more forgiving days, Summer could definitely see herself being friends with Anna. They had just seemed to mesh well. Anna was supportive and encouraging. For her part, Summer could have definitely improved the girl's truly unfortunate fashion sense. It was just not meant to be however. Summer was merciless in pursuing what she wanted and she wasn't afraid to crush those who stood in her way, even if she might have liked them under different circumstances. And there was too much jealousy, insecurity, and doubt whenever Anna was around for the two of them to ever come to an amicable understanding.

Summer just couldn't stand having her around, for so many different reasons. Whenever Anna was around, Summer never had Seth's full attention, which was something that drove her crazy. She was always competing with Anna for who would be first in his life. And then there was the fact that Anna had so much in common with Seth, where she had very little. She always felt like such an outsider, watching Seth and Anna get along fantastically while she sat off to the side and pouted about the fact that she couldn't talk about what they talked about. Comic books? Emo music? Yakuza? Why the fuck would she ever be interested in that crap? Finally, and the one that always ultimately bothered her the most, was that Anna treated Seth the right way, like how he deserved, and that was something Summer had always had trouble getting right. It wasn't that she went out of her way to be purposely mean to him or insult him all the time, she just didn't know how else to act around him. He made her so confused and out of sorts, it was her natural response to attack what frightened her. Why would Seth want to be with somebody who was nothing but a bitch to him? Who abused him and treated him like crap whenever they were together? He could have somebody who actually _acted_ like she cared about him.

So relaxing was completely out of the question. "I finally have a chance to make things right with Cohen and you are telling me to relax? It's obvious why she's here! She wants him!" Okay, so she knew she was starting to sound a little paranoid. She didn't know if that was the real reason why Anna was here, but her fears refused to allow for any other reason. Maybe Marissa was right. Maybe Anna really was only here to be a friend to Seth. But it was Anna and it was Seth and it was Anna and Seth _together_. How was she supposed to react rationally to that?

Marissa stared at her in disbelief. "Are you out of your mind?"

Summer tried to compose herself, tried to reign in her wild and horribly imaginative thoughts. Meekly, she said, "Maybe a little."

Marissa sighed and placed a comforting hand on her arm. "I know that she brings back a lot of bad memories, but they are just friends. I mean, they haven't even seen each other in four years, how much of a relationship could they have?"

"Big deal. I haven't seen Cohen in longer than that and I still can't stop thinking about him."

"Okay, that is a good point." Marissa grinned weakly and squeezed her arm. "Look, I just think Seth is happy to see someone he knows he can trust. You know how Seth feels about Anna."

Yeah, that was the problem! Why didn't Marissa see that? "That's what I'm afraid of, Coop."

Marissa swallowed and removed her hand. She looked like she wanted to say something but wasn't sure if it would be the right move. "You do realize that Seth is not exactly yours to begin with."

"No shit, Coop. That's been made abundantly clear to me on many different occasions."

"I'm just saying, maybe you should be sure about how you feel about Seth before you do or say anything." Marissa paused and added, "Your usual 'destroy all those before you' mode can be pretty bad, don't you think you should be sure that this is what you want first?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Summer got off her stool and took a step back, crossing her arms underneath her breasts.

"Are you sure that you aren't just feeling really guilty and ashamed over what happened eight years ago and feel like you have to make it up to him somehow?"

"You think I'm only acting this way because I feel _guilty_?" What the hell? Marissa knew how she felt about Seth, this was ridiculous. Did Marissa really think she was that selfish, that she'd be more concerned about easing her own feelings of guilt than trying to help Seth? Marissa had just been _encouraging_ her to go after him only a few hours ago. What the hell? Was her best friend suddenly schizo?

Marissa stood up and faced off from Summer, crossing her own arms underneath her breasts. Suddenly the kitchen felt a lot smaller and increasingly hostile. "I'm saying I think you're confused and I don't want you to do anything you'll regret." Marissa bristled, her whole body stiff. "Like, I don't know, going in there and being rude and attacking Anna, which will probably only piss Seth off. Something I think you'd want to avoid."

Summer could feel herself getting angrier by the second. She was not interested in Seth because she felt guilty. That was absurd. "I've always felt this way about Cohen."

"Oh really? When was the last time you even thought about Seth before he came back?"

"I thought about him all the time!"

"Name one time." Marissa glared at her and she felt her body tense up. "If you thought about him so often, it should be easy."

Summer sputtered, trying to come up with something to make Marissa shut up. The truth was, she hadn't thought about Seth in weeks, maybe even months. After she realized he wasn't coming back, she had done her best to put him out of her mind for good. It wasn't healthy to obsess over somebody she would never see again. He would occasionally pop up, usually when she saw something that reminded her of him, or when she was around the Cohen's and they would start talking about him. But other than that, she didn't think about him much. That didn't mean she didn't have real feelings for him, ones not predicated on guilt. Still, she hated that Marissa was even partly right, and hated even more that she began doubting the strength and validity of her feelings once again. "That is not the point!" She knew that was a weak comeback, but Marissa had caught her completely off guard.

Marissa shook her head at her, disappointment evident. "Come on, Summer, you know better than that." Marissa's features softened and she took a step closer to Summer. "I love you and I will always support you, you know that, but you and Seth ended very badly and I know that created a lot of confusion in you. I know that you would have done anything to make it up to him before."

Summer's mouth dropped open and she felt her ears heat up. Now Marissa was doubting _everything_? "Why are you doing this? Just a while ago you were telling me to ask for a second chance." Summer asked quietly, having to stop herself from crying.

"That was before I saw your reaction to Anna."

"What the hell does she have to do with this?"

"You know how much you hate to lose."

"You think I'm only going crazy because I don't want Anna to win? That is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard." At this point, Summer didn't care much about how angry she sounded or even what she was saying.

"I'm not the one who's acting like a completely irrational jealous girlfriend!" Marissa took a step toward Summer but stopped herself, visibly making an effort to calm herself. She took deep breaths and clenched her hands into fists. "I am trying to help you here, damnit. I don't want you to make things worse by saying or doing something stupid. Maybe you're right, and I'm wrong about doubting your feelings, but god damnit, Sum, you hurt him so much last time that I don't think he could take it again. And as much as he and I have had a strained relationship at times, he means a lot to my family. So that means he's important to me too."

Summer felt like she had been slapped. Marissa had never ever said these kinds of things to her before. Marissa was not supposed to side against her. She was supposed to give her support and help her understand what she was feeling. "Shut up! I would never do that to Cohen again. I was just as devastated as he was over what happened. You know that!"

"Exactly! You did that to him. How do you know that you aren't just reacting to those feelings? How do you know, Sum?"

Summer couldn't answer her, because she didn't know herself. She thought her feelings were genuine. That she hadn't reacted to Seth touching her, or talking to her, because she was wracked with guilt and pity. That she hadn't just broken up with her boyfriend because she was being misled by her feelings. That she wasn't losing her mind for no reason. Just thinking about Anna even cast doubt on everything. Could Marissa be right? She had always been competitive with the girl, how did she know that her suddenly vitriolic reaction wasn't so much jealousy as much as a need to win? Or a desire to just rub Anna's face in the fact that she was simply better? After all, she would have never noticed Seth to begin with if Anna hadn't taken him away from her at Cotillion. Anna was always taking Seth from her and maybe she was only feeling so outraged because she was determined not to let Anna once again take away something that rightfully belonged to her. "I – I don't know."

Marissa nodded her head and looked extremely pleased with herself. "I thought so. You need to be sure before you try anything with Seth. It's the only way things will be fair to him and fair to you. It's the only way both of you won't get hurt."

* * *

Seth couldn't believe it. Anna was standing in front of him, a blinding smile on her face. He had never been so relieved to see someone in his life. Finally, he felt like he could relax. No matter what had happened between them, no matter how much time and space was between them, he could always count on Anna, with her sage wisdom and pointed advice. She would always support him, she wouldn't judge him, at least not harshly, she'd tell him what he needed to hear, she'd be perfect like always. If only he had remembered that before.

"I completely forgot you were coming." He blurted out after the initial high of seeing her and hugging her wore off. He blushed and looked away. Just what every person likes to hear. "I would have picked you up from the airport."

Anna smacked him on his arm, a small grin on her lips. "Oh thanks a lot, Seth. Nice to know how much I mean to you."

Seth blushed again but just smiled, so happy that Anna was here. "I'm so glad you're here, Anna." He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. She sighed and wrapped her arms around him as well. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, Seth."

Seth grabbed her hand and led her over to the couch. He needed to sit down. Anna was finally here to make everything okay. He plopped down on it clumsily; Anna giggled slightly, and sat beside him. They were both acting so stupidly happy. "There is so much I want to ask you, Seth. So much I need to tell you."

"I know. I want to tell you about everything. Hell, I need to tell you."

Anna nodded as if she completely understood, which knowing her, she probably did. "But wait, there's something I really want to show you first." She held up her hand. "Check it out."

Seth's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. No way. Things had changed a lot since he'd last seen her. "Wow." He didn't know what to say. He just stared at the very prominent ring on her finger. Finally, he grinned huge. "That's so awesome!"

Anna beamed at him, still holding her hand up as if wanting to permanently advertise to the world that she was engaged. "I can't wait until you meet him. He's flying down this weekend. You're going to love him."

"Wait, was he the guy that answered the phone?"

"Oh yeah, Kevin has been pestering me with questions nonstop. He's all like 'So who is this guy that called you out of nowhere and turned you into a crazy woman?'" Anna laughed and finally lowered her hand. "I think he's a little jealous."

Seth smirked and nodded his head. "Did you tell him we're a little too Luke and Leia for it to ever work?"

"I tried to explain the intricacies of our relationship, but I think once I started dipping into my repertoire, his eyes glazed over and I lost him at my second _Watchmen_ reference."

Seth laughed, hard and genuine. "Oh you didn't."

Anna looked innocent and struggled to keep a straight face. "To be honest, I think I kind of just got on a roll and I may have lost even myself for a little bit there."

"Ah yes, the Seth Cohen method of conversation. Talk incessantly until everybody is confused, even yourself."

Anna just nodded her head, smiling. The two became silent, but it was a comfortable silence. Seth knew, much like with everyone else, he would have to talk to Anna about things that had happened, but they had already settled into such a comfortable groove without any real effort that he didn't want to disturb the flow until it was absolutely necessary. At the moment, he just wanted to revel in the feeling of having his friend back. "So is he a good guy?"

Anna said softly, a distant look in her eyes, "Yeah, he's great."

"He treat you right?" Seth found himself becoming more solemn. "He doesn't lie to you?"

Anna's eyes focused on Seth intensely and he fidgeted nervously a little. "He's a good guy, Seth. You can grill him yourself in a few days."

Seth tried to smirk, tried to pass off his worry and apprehension for Anna. He shouldn't let his own issues invade her happiness. "Please, I'll have Ryan give him the Test."

"The Test?" Anna looked skeptical.

Seth grinned stupidly, trying to lighten the mood. "Yeah, the Test. If this guy can survive the Ryan Atwood Look of Judgment and Intimidation without breaking, I suppose he can marry you." Seth considered what he had just said. "It's like just one of Ryan's many superpowers."

Anna rolled her eyes and pushed Seth on his shoulder. "Oh gee thanks, I'm so glad you're willing to give your permission for _me_ to marry him."

"Well, yeah, of course. I mean, I wouldn't have a problem with him personally, because I am awesome, but you just know how Ryan can be sooo overprotective at times." Seth grinned.

"You're such a dork, Cohen."

* * *

Summer knew what she was doing was wrong and stupid and absolutely crazy of her, but she couldn't help herself. Marissa and she had parted ways only a few seconds ago, still fairly pissed off at each other. Marissa had grinded out that she had to drop by Ryan's office to pick up some papers, and left Summer alone in the kitchen, horribly confused. She just didn't know anything anymore. Was Marissa right? Were her feelings real? Did she have any right to get jealous or angry at seeing Seth with another woman? Shouldn't she be happy he was happy? What was wrong with her? So many questions ran through her mind that she had no answers to. That was probably why, especially with no Marissa to stop her, she was hiding behind the wall of the kitchen, her head slightly peeking out and spying on Seth and Anna, laughing and being all sickeningly happy. It made her want to throw up.

"You're such a dork, Cohen."

Oh she didn't just call him that. That was her thing! Summer had passed rationality quite a while ago, now she was just functioning on pure emotion. It was the only solid thing she could latch onto in her extremely jumbled mind. Fear. Anger. Hurt. Love. Hate. They were all there. That Seth seemed more happy in five minutes spent with Anna than he had spent in the entire time with her, only made her even more horribly depressed. Why had she screwed things up so badly? Why was she so focused on her own fears and problems and not happy that Seth finally seemed to be getting back to his old self? Was she really that selfish? If she really cared about Seth, like genuinely, deeply, cared for him, she should be out there encouraging him to be with Anna if that's what he wanted. But she just couldn't do it. She wanted Seth all to herself. She wanted to be the one to help Seth get through everything. She wanted to be the one he came to when he wanted to discuss his fears, what he had been through, what he felt. She wanted to be his emotional rock like he had always been for her. She wanted it all. The last thing she had ever wanted was to share Seth with anybody.

She wasn't even listening to what they said anymore. All she heard were the questions repeating in her head. She heard her own fears and felt her anger and jealousy getting the best of her. Then Seth kissed Anna. He kissed her. On the cheek, but still, he kissed her. That was the last straw. That didn't look like anything close to a friendly kiss. It may have only been a kiss on the cheek, but she knew what that led to. And the pleased look on Anna's face only made it worse.

Now Summer was just pissed. What the hell was he doing? Was he just playing her? Hadn't he just told her not more than two hours ago that he still had feelings for her? Now he was putting the moves on Anna? And what the fuck was Tinkerbell even doing here? Oh right, how convenient that she shows up only a few days after finding out Seth was back. It didn't take her long for her to appear and try to sink her claws back into him. Every single time. Every single goddamn time Summer got close to Seth, Anna was there to throw a wrench into her plans.

Fuck Seth Cohen. Fuck Anna Stern. The curly haired freak could have stupid Anna for all she cared. She was probably better off anyway. To think she had actually considered going down that road again with Seth. That she had actually thought it was a good idea. After everything that had happened between them, after all she had done, he had done, and after having it proved time after time that they were not right for each other, she still hadn't learned.

Not again. She was going to learn her lesson this time. She wasn't going to let Seth change her mind with his stupidly adorable babbling, and stupid curly hair, and stupid beautiful eyes that made her feel funny every time they looked at her. She was going to stop finding his stupid ass hot and sexy and nonsensically irresistible. She had managed to do it once before, she could do it again. And this time she wouldn't have to worry about guilt and shame and affection ruining her resolve. She didn't need him anymore. He was on his own. She was finally free. She didn't have Nick to worry about, didn't have Seth to worry about, she could now do whatever she wanted.

She took one last look at Seth and Anna, sitting so close together there was no space between them, Anna's hand on his arm. Fuck. She needed a drink.

* * *

Seth was so nervous he had to stop multiple times on his drive to Summer's house. He would stop by the side of the road, put his head on the steering wheel, take several deep breaths, and then have a drink of water to calm his riotous stomach. Once he felt safely able, he started back up.

He was going to do it. After hours of conversation with Anna, she had helped him see that he'd never be able to sleep at night, let alone finally put Summer behind him, if he didn't at least try to see if there was anything still there with her. He owed himself that much. He figured he owed her that much. She really did seem as if she had changed.

She was a lot mellower than he remembered. He loved it. He had always loved her intensity. It was one of the most charming aspects of her personality. But he liked seeing the softer, kinder side of her. It made him feel special, made him feel that he could trust her and fall in love with her, that she would allow herself to appear vulnerable around him. More than anything, that was what he was looking for most: any indication that she was willing to lower her walls and let him in. She was just plain nicer, she seemed to actually care how he was doing and wanted to help him. She didn't act like she was quite as shallow or cared as much about what others might think. And of course she was still as attractive as ever, if not hotter than he remembered. There was something about the maturity in her eyes and the comfortableness with which she carried herself that was incredibly appealing.

He knew she was dangerous; she always had been. He knew that there was still a very good chance that she would end up hurting him, somehow. But he also knew he had to give her the opportunity to prove that before was a fluke, that they really could work as a relationship. There was a future for them. There was no other reason why, after thinking he had long ago put Summer behind him, that there was still something between them. He shouldn't have any feelings for her left. She had hurt him so badly, had humiliated him and treated him terribly, and yet he still kept coming back. He was a masochist, that much was obvious. But he just had to know.

He pulled up in front of Summer's house. It was still relatively early in the morning. He hadn't seen Summer since she'd left his home rather abruptly the night before. She had been upset and quiet; he had wanted to ask her what was bothering her, but he had been so wrapped up in Anna that he hadn't been able to tear himself away. It was probably for the best. He didn't think he'd be able to let his own walls down enough to actually be of any help to her. And he didn't think a half-assed attempt while he was so confused about her would have been very productive. It was likely to do more harm than good.

Anna had made him see the light. Not that she was pleased he was considering giving Summer another chance. Far from it actually. Anna didn't like Summer. Anna would have been perfectly content with Summer disappearing from his life forever. But Anna also understood the importance that Summer held in his life, and she understood, probably better than he did, what Summer meant to him. She hated that he was going back to Summer, but she also saw it was pointless to argue the topic further. So Anna had decided to help him, to talk through all the issues he had, all his fears, all his hate he still felt. That was why he loved Anna, she was simply a great friend. He knew he could always count on her to put him straight and impart her desperately needed wisdom.

Seth turned off the car and took several deep breaths. He could do this. She wasn't the same person. She was different. She would accept him this time. The mantra was comforting and helped boost his courage. He opened the door and began walking up to Summer's front door.

This house brought back so many memories, many far too bad to actually remember. Some good ones too, but so many bad ones. Hopefully, he'd be able to replace those old memories with newer and better ones. He knocked on the front door. He looked down at himself as he waited, straightening his clothes, smoothing his hands along his thighs. He ran a quick hand through his hair, and ran his tongue along his lips. Jesus, he was nervous.

Nobody came so he rang the doorbell. He suddenly became afraid that Summer would be so pissed at him interrupting her sleep that she would just tell him to go to hell. He didn't think he'd be able to take another outright rejection from her, even if he didn't exactly have the best timing.

Still nobody. He rang the bell again and knocked. He was just about ready to leave. It was a bad time. She didn't want to talk to him. He was a loser and what could she possibly see in him? He had too many issues, he was broken, emotionally distant, a freak. There was no way they'd ever work, she was way too good for him. She deserved better, always had, always would.

The door opened. It was not Summer. A man, about his height, with short black hair and a solid build, opened the door wearing a bathrobe. Seth had never seen him before. "Uh, hello. Is Summer here?" Maybe he had gotten the wrong house? But no, he had just left it this morning.

The man smiled good naturedly. "She's still asleep, I think."

Seth had no idea what to do. Who was this guy? Why was he dressed like he just got out of bed? How did he know Summer was still asleep? What the hell was going on!? "Uh, well, okay. I guess I'll come back some other time then."

"Maybe you'd like to leave a message? I could give it to her when she wakes up."

"Right. A message." Did he want to leave a message? Did he even want Summer to know that he'd been here and met her – he didn't know who the guy was. "Could you just tell her Seth stopped by?" The man looked nodded hesitantly, probably wondering why some stranger was coming by to see Summer. "I'm an old, uh, friend from high school and only in town for a few days. I just thought maybe we could catch up. I'm sorry for disturbing you so early."

The man grinned, leaned against the doorframe. "It's all right, I didn't get much sleep last night anyway. I was already up."

Seth felt his stomach drop and he had to reach out to steady himself against the side of the house. "You two are t-together?"

The man shrugged his shoulders, a slightly bemused expression on his face. "Who knows, man. One day she is breaking up with me, the next she is calling me up and telling me she was just scared and wants to get back together." Then the man leans slightly forward, his voice lowered, and an indefinable gleam in his eye. "I swear, sometimes she confuses the hell out of me. She was very demanding and insistent last night, but usually she acts like she couldn't give a damn." He was talking to Seth like they were old buddies, sharing a beer during the game. Seth felt even sicker. "Tell me something, was she like this when you knew her?"

"Yeah." It was all Seth could really say. He figured the guy was Nick, Summer's supposed ex-boyfriend. The one she had told him she'd ended things with. The one she told him she couldn't be with anymore because her feelings for him were too strong to ignore. Obviously, she was just lying. What a shock. Summer had been lying to him ever since he'd known her. "It sounds like she's worse now."

Nick nodded, still faintly smiling. He grabbed the edge of the door with one hand. "So I'll tell her you stopped by."

"Actually, could you tell her something else for me?" Nick nodded his head. "Tell her I found my answer." Nick looked confused but nodded his head again. "Thanks."

Seth turned around and started to walk back to his car. He stopped, and turned to look over his shoulder. Nick was still watching him go. "By the way, you seem like a nice enough guy, so listen to what I have to say." Nick looked confused but Seth saw he had his complete attention. "Get out now. Don't wait, don't think you can change her, because you can't. She'll always be this way. Get out now and don't fall in love with her, because once you do, you'll never be the same again. Just run." Seth straightened his head, not bothering to see what effect his words had and got inside his car.

Already he could feel his brain begin to compartmentalize his feelings and emotions. He was locking them away, hopefully permanently this time. All that was left was an intense anger. She had done it to him again.

He had no idea why he was surprised.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note**: Surprise! Okay, so like this was completely unintended, but I decided to post this chapter now. Before you get all excited, this doesn't mean I'll be updating anytime soon after this. I kinda already had this chapter done before I posted the last one, and since you were all so understanding about the potential hiatus, I thought I'd post it as a reward of sorts. But I haven't written anything else after this, so I really am going to be focusing on my papers for the time being. Still, I felt it was important to post this now.

This is kind of the end of an arc in the story. Good thing too, as I was getting tired of writing Summer so...emotional. The girl is a badass and doesn't take crap from anybody and I feel I kind of stepped away from that part of her character. It will definitely be back though. We are going to be leaving Summer's POV for now and move back to Seth. I know some of you want more interaction with the rest of the gang, so have no fear, that's what you'll get for the next few chapters. I'm pulling away from the SS for a while, that doesn't mean it's over, it's just not going to be the focus of the story like it has been for the last four or so chapters. Hope you understand, and again, I know what I'm doing. I think the story is only going to get more convoluted from here. Yay!

* * *

When Summer finally woke up, she had the mother of all hangovers. It felt like there was little people tap dancing on her brain. Every movement, every marginally bright light, brought a rush of nausea and pain to her body. She couldn't remember ever getting this shitfaced before; it was truly a once in a lifetime experience. Never again, though, never again. She was already making that promise to herself as she managed to crawl her way toward the bathroom and the salvation of the toilet.

After depositing what felt like the entire contents of her stomach, she somehow found a way to stand up, swaying a little, and popped nearly a handful of aspirin. She swallowed the pills delicately.

She looked up and found her reflection staring back at her from the vanity mirror. She winced at the sight and looked away. Her hair was a tangled mess. She had a glaring red crease along the right side of her face from where she had fallen asleep on the edge of her pillow. Her eyes were spider webbed with veins and fast becoming extremely puffy. Her skin had a terrible pallor to it. She could not remember ever looking quite so terrible. It was fitting though, that she looked so bad. She had fucked up. And this was not just your run of the mill, everybody makes these kind of mistakes, fuck up. She had probably just destroyed everything. And for what? Because she was literally and legitimately a fucking moron. What a pointless, meaningless night.

She walked slowly back into her bedroom and considered her bed carefully. She could crawl back under her covers, hide away from the world, and forget about everything. Forget about Seth, Nick, Marissa, Anna, everything. They would probably be better off without her. She took a step forward. Nobody would miss her anyway.

"Summer? Summer was that you? Are you okay?" She could hear the sound of Nick's footfalls make their way down the hallway toward her.

What a stupid fucking question. Of course it was her and of course she was not okay. Summer moved toward the bed as fast she could and collapsed on top of it. She hid her face under a pillow. She didn't want to talk to Nick. She just wanted him to disappear for forever. "There you are." Reluctantly, she peeked one eye out to see what he was up to. Nick stepped into her bedroom, a smile on his face, and a glass of orange juice in his hand. He walked over to her and sat near the foot of her bed. "Here, I got you some juice. Thought it might help with," he motioned with the hand holding the glass at her miserable appearance, "well, you know."

Begrudgingly Summer raised her hand up and took the proffered glass. Pulling her head out from its burrow, she carefully sipped. The juice was sweet, a little bitter when she swallowed, but immediately she could feel her rumbling stomach calm a bit. "Thanks." She managed to mumble.

"No problem." Nick watched her drink for a while but he soon frowned and picked at her comforter.

Summer sighed and placed the glass carefully on her nightstand near her bed. She really didn't want to get into it with Nick right now. It was going to suck breaking it off with him. For the second time no less. But despite everything that had happened last night, she didn't want him to get the wrong impression. She wouldn't blame him if he got pissed off, called her a whore, a tease, a liar, whatever he wanted. It wasn't like she didn't deserve it. What had she been thinking? She had sworn to herself that she'd never toy with people like that again. And yet, at the first sign of trouble with Seth, she had reverted back to her old ways. It was a testament to the kind of power Seth had over her that she'd be so willing to fuck up her life at the first sign of complications. Why couldn't things ever go right?

Apparently, it wasn't the night they had just spent together that Nick wanted to talk about though. Not looking at her, his voice troubled and quiet, he said, "Some guy came by the house this morning."

How fan-fucking-tastic. She jumped up, ran to the bathroom, and promptly puked, although this time for a different reason than the hangover. It wasn't like her life didn't suck enough as it was, but now this? She couldn't believe that this was happening.

She felt a comforting hand on her back, rubbing it soothingly, and another hand carefully grasp her hair. She wanted to scream at Nick to get away from her, to stop touching her, but she couldn't. She just didn't have the energy to let the guilt take her over like that. She didn't deserve him and she certainly didn't deserve Seth. God, what had she done?

She threw up again, this time mostly dry heaves. There was little left in her stomach to actually vomit. She pushed Nick away and stumbled to the sink to wash her mouth out. Nick just stood still, looking at her concerned. "What did this guy look like?" She already knew the answer, but she needed to hear it confirmed.

"He was kind of strange looking, and had a lot of curly hair. Real nervous guy, I thought he was going to do what you just did on the front steps." He paused and ran a hand through his hair. "Said he was an old friend of yours and he asked me to give you a message since you weren't up yet."

Summer shut her eyes and slid down the wall of the bathroom. She had never been more terrified of anything than she was of what Nick might say. But she had to know, she had to know how seriously she had screwed things up. "What is it?"

"Didn't make much sense to me, but I figured you would know." Nick paused, shrugged his shoulders. "He said to tell you that he had his answer."

Summer shut her eyes as tight as she could, but that didn't stop the tears from starting to trickle down her cheeks. She fought to compose herself. She couldn't break down now, not with Nick in front of her, he wouldn't understand and she didn't want to explain. She needed him to leave so she could wallow and sob properly. "Please leave." Her voice was strained, thick with desperation, barely recognizable.

Nick kneeled in front of her, plainly concerned. "What? Summer, what's wrong?"

"Leave! Leave me alone!" She lashed out, hitting him awkwardly on his neck. Nick fell backwards, landing on his ass.

"What the hell, Summer!?"

Summer composed herself as best she could. She was still silently crying, she didn't think she'd stop doing that for a long time, but she willed herself to stand up and speak steadily. "Last night was the biggest mistake of my life and we are through. For good this time."

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"I mean, exactly what I said. Leave! Get the fuck out of my house!" She was letting a little anger bleed into her voice. It was a good thing, it helped to distract her from the loathing she felt for herself. She didn't really mean to get angry at Nick, but he was right there in front of her, reminding her of what she'd done and how she'd probably destroyed Seth.

Nick stood up, shaking his head in disgust. "You know what? He was right about you. I thought maybe – I don't know what I thought." He ran a hand through his hair, and glared at Summer. "But he was right."

What the hell was he talking about? Summer narrowed her eyes, bringing a hand up to her face to brush her cheeks clear of water. "Just go, Nick." Looking down, she choked out, "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I can really see the regret." Nick stared at her for a few more seconds before spinning on his heel and stomping out of the bathroom.

As soon as he was gone, Summer collapsed back to the floor. She brought her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, and began sobbing.

* * *

Summer didn't bother getting cleaned up. She didn't put on any makeup. She didn't shower or wear anything nice. She was wearing only an old sweat suit and a pair of simple flip-flops. She was not above using any and all advantages she possibly had. She figured if Seth saw how miserable she was, how much she had been crying, how terrible she was taking things, he might, just might, believe that she really was sorry over everything. At this point, emotional manipulation might be the only thing she had working for her.

She really had no idea what she was going to say. She knew an apology would be entirely inadequate. She knew no explanation would be good enough. She had betrayed his trust – again. She had lied to him – again. She had pleaded with him to see that she had changed, but she had only succeeded in showing that she was still the same girl who hurt him – again. She concluded that her best bet was probably to throw herself on the mercy of the court, so to speak. Maybe if she was pathetic enough, he'd at least be willing to speak to her. She was fairly certain there was no chance of them ever being more than friends now. And even that would be a near impossible feat. But if that was all he gave her, she'd be grateful just for that. It was clear to her now that she needed Seth in her life, no matter what form. It was the only explanation for why she was taking things so hard.

She knocked on the front door and didn't have to wait long. Marissa opened it, thank God. She had been afraid it'd be Ryan, or even worse, Anna. She could only imagine the kind of scene that would have erupted if Anna had answered the door. There probably would have been severed limbs lining the doorstep. She could not believe how stupid she'd been. Anna? Seriously? She had lost her mind over Anna Stern? What a fucking moron she was.

"Summer!" Marissa's eyes widened and she hastily stepped outside, joining Summer on front porch, holding the door open only a fraction of an inch. She was whispering harshly. "I really don't think it's a good idea for you to be here now."

"I need to talk to him, Coop."

Marissa sighed and looked back inside worriedly. "I'm not sure he wants to see you."

"Look, I just have to know if he hates me or not."

"You really have to ask that question?"

Summer glared at her friend. She was not in the mood for more of Marissa's bullshit. She was well aware of how badly she'd screwed up; she didn't need Marissa giving her a ration of shit over it. This was between her and Seth, and she was tired of Marissa's mother hen routine. "This is between me and Cohen, Coop. All I need is five minutes."

Marissa sighed again, this time making it sound like she was letting all responsibility she might possibly have drift away on the wind. "Fine, but try to keep things as civil as possible. Mikayla is with him right now. She's been trying to cheer him up."

Summer nodded her head and began to push her way past Marissa. Marissa grabbed her arm, stopping her motion. "I know you're sorry, but just try to see it from his point of view. He's by the pool." Summer nodded brusquely and walked inside.

She didn't bother to acknowledge the truly murderous glare that Anna was giving her as she passed the blonde in the kitchen. At least Anna let her go by without confrontation. Summer was thankful for every small mercy she got at this point. Pushing open the glass door, she came to an abrupt halt at the scene in front of her.

Mikayla was on a lawn chair, talking animatedly to Seth, who was sitting across from the excited girl, a small smile on his face. He nodded every once in a while, said a word or two, and Mikayla continued on at a rapid pace. Seth was holding one of those tubular foam floating apparatuses that Mikayla liked to swim with, occasionally dipping it in the pool to get the end wet and send a sprinkling of water at Mikayla. The little girl giggled and swatted at the thing, but Seth always managed to move it just out of reach.

Summer smiled, it was impossible not to. It was one of the cutest things she'd seen in a long time and she abruptly started crying again. An intense longing for her own version of the scene in front of her washed over her and she just continued to cry. It was gone. She had ruined whatever chance she might have had to watch Seth play with their own daughter like that. It was at that moment where the enormity of everything hit her and she had to sit on something solid. She became a heap on the patio.

This was of course when Mikayla noticed her. "Summer!" The little girl jumped off her chair, a huge grin on her face as she raced over to her godmother. "Mommy didn't tell me you were coming!" Mikayla either didn't notice her despondent state or didn't care. She grabbed Summer's hand and tried to pull her to her feet. "You have to meet Uncle Seth! He's so funny."

Summer tried to smile through her tears, and she climbed to her feet. "I've already met him, honey."

Mikayla stopped pulling. "Everybody always says that! How come people always know who you are?" This question was addressed to Seth, who was staring fixedly at Summer. Summer couldn't look at him, especially while she was still crying.

"I'm a popular guy, Kayla."

The fact that things had suddenly gotten a whole lot more awkward finally seemed to be dawning on Mikayla and she looked back and forth between Seth and Summer several times. "Did you know Summer like you know daddy?"

Seth just nodded his head and motioned with his hand for Mikayla to come to him. He placed both his hands on her shoulders gently and looked steadily at her. "Hey, kiddo, I need to speak to Summer about something really important, okay?" Mikayla hesitantly nodded her head and Seth smiled. "How about you go inside and find out all you can about Anna. You remember her?" Mikayla again nodded her head. "Good. When I'm done talking to Summer, I'll come in and we can watch a movie together. Sound good?"

Mikayla smiled and bounced on her feet. "Yeah! But I get to pick!" Seth smiled and Mikayla promptly turned around and ran past Summer to the door. Seth watched her through the glass go straight up to Anna and begin talking.

Summer was amazed. Seth was so good with Mikayla it was astonishing. He had acclimated so quickly to dealing with a child, much faster than she had. But then she'd always known he would make a great parent. Certainly a better one than she ever would. It was just more proof that she really didn't deserve him.

Both stared at each other for a very long time. Now that she was standing in front of him, Summer couldn't speak. His face was so unreadable. His eyes, usually a hotbed of emotion, and always a good indicator for what he was feeling, were completely steady and almost lifeless. He had composed himself a lot better than she had expected and it unnerved her. She had thought there would be anger, hatred, disappointment, anything at all, but there was nothing. How was she supposed to know what the right path was if he was giving her literally nothing to go on? Did he not care?

Finally, the silence was broken. "Please sit down."

His voice was flat. Summer walked dejectedly over to the lawn chair Mikayla had occupied, and sat down. She still wouldn't look directly at him.

"I am going to speak, and I ask that you please just listen." Seth paused and for the briefest of seconds, Summer thought she heard some emotion in his voice. But whatever was there quickly disappeared. "I need to say this and if you interrupt, I don't think I'll be able to do it."

"I – I understand, Cohen." At this point, she would do anything he asked her. Literally _anything_.

Seth swallowed and closed his eyes. "First, I feel as if I owe you an apology."

She tried to bite her tongue, but she had to say something about his ridiculous statement. "Cohen, no, that's absurd. You don't owe me anything. I'm the one who should be apologizing."

Seth's eyes flew open and they burned with an intensity that made her flinch. "I asked you not to interrupt, I believe you owe me that much."

Summer sucked in a breath and nodded her head haltingly.

"Thank you." Seth shut his eyes again. It was like he couldn't look at her. "I feel like I should apologize to you because of this morning." He stopped and opened his eyes. His eyes were unflinching. "When I left your house this morning, I was so angry at you. I said some things I probably shouldn't have said to Ryan and Anna. I really am sorry for that, and I hope that if they ever mention to you what I said, you'll understand my state of mind before you get angry." Seth paused, swallowed, and just stared. "I don't think I've ever felt that hurt or pissed off before, and that includes the first time you did this to me. But I realized, later on today, that all that anger and sense of betrayal was completely unfounded." He sounded so formal and stilted. This was nothing like the man she used to know.

Summer was lost completely lost. He was apologizing to her for getting angry? She figured anything he might have said about her was wholly deserved. What the hell was he even getting at? This made no sense.

"Yeah, you lied to me, but so what? You didn't owe me anything." Seth sat up a little straighter in his chair, bringing his legs up to rest in front of him. He placed his folded hands across the top of his knees. "You are not my girlfriend. I have no claim over you, no right to expect you not to go off and fuck your boyfriend if you want. What you do in your personal life is none of my business."

Summer couldn't stop a visible wince from overcoming her body at the bitter and harsh words he had just said.

"It was stupid of me to even say the stuff I said to you yesterday, about expecting you to end things with Nick just because it made me uncomfortable. You want to be with him, then that is fine with me. Be with him. You've made it very clear to me that you have little to no respect for me as a person or as a potential boyfriend. I realize now that what you want is much different than what I want. That is fine. We are different people, and again, you don't owe me a fucking thing." The whole time Seth spoke, he didn't raise his voice, hardly changed his tone, barely even moved at all. It was scarier than any angry shout or more cutting than any pointed insult. He was the picture of detached calm.

Summer stopped crying. This was going from bad to worse, but crying was not helping things. She wasn't a crier anyway, she was a doer. She hated being the weak little girl, a slave to her emotions. That was more Marissa's thing. She was strong and she was tough, and if Seth wanted to tear her a new asshole, well he was welcome to it. But she wasn't going to break. Not in front of him. If she did that, he'd never get what he needed to say out, because she knew him. He'd stop, he'd apologize for making her cry, and he'd try to help her stop. For once, Summer decided to put Seth ahead of herself.

"I loved you. Did you ever know that?" He paused, as if waiting for a response, but Summer was too afraid to interrupt him again. "Not now, of course, but back then." He shut his eyes and began a rhythmic tapping on his right knee. He was moving to a beat only he heard. "I was a very pathetic kid. Every birthday wish, every shooting star, on every clichéd piece of superstitious bullshit, I would hope that someday, somehow, somebody would just love me. Hell, not even that. Somebody just wanting to willingly be my friend would have been enough. I would wish that I wouldn't be so alone anymore because there was somebody out there in the world who actually felt something real for me, somebody who understood me, who accepted me, and who wanted to be with me because that was what they really, _truly_, wanted. I always hoped that person would be you."

Oh God, what had she done? The loneliness and emptiness in his voice broke her heart. She really had broken him now.

"When I was with Kat, I thought finally, I had found that person. I mean, it certainly wasn't you. I think that's why I never noticed the signs. They seem so obvious now. But back then? I was willfully blind. I didn't want to see them because I thought she genuinely felt for me what I felt, that she really did love me, and that she really did fulfill that dream I had held for so long. I was so desperate to believe that. I was blind, but only because I wanted to be. I think that's why her cheating on me messed me up so badly. She only reconfirmed what I already knew deep down." He opened his eyes now and stared off at the ocean and setting sun to his side. "That's the thing about dreams, they're just your imagination trying to make you see things that aren't there and never will be." He turned back to look at her. "Dreams aren't real. I feel I should thank you for reminding me of that once again."

Silence. Summer bit her lip. She relished the pain; it was only a tiny fraction of what she deserved or what she already felt. He was thanking her for destroying his faith in relationships, in destroying the idea that anyone could ever love him. That was probably the worst thing anybody had ever said to her.

"As much as I thought maybe you were different, that maybe you had changed, and that there was still a sliver of hope out there that you'd prove me wrong and be the girl I always hoped you'd be, I understand that you have your life to live and I have mine. We are just on different paths. And I'm sorry for ever making you feel like you had an obligation to me or that you should act a certain way because that's what I wanted. That was unfair of me."

This had gone on long enough, she couldn't stay quiet any further. "Can I say something?" She was quiet, hesitant, but she was determined to say her own peace. Seth nodded his head in assent, his eyes steady. "I'm sorry. The last thing I ever wanted was for you to get hurt like this."

Seth smiled. He actually smiled. Summer was shocked. "I know. I just think that you and I, we're just not meant to be. I think after this morning, I am finally starting to accept that."

"No, Seth, that's not what I meant. I mean that I – "

She never got a chance to continue. Seth interrupted her. "To be honest, Summer, I am just not interested in hearing your excuses. I know that's kind of unfair of me, after I've just droned on to you about my feelings and thoughts, but at the moment, I just don't care."

"Okay." What the hell was she supposed to say to that? She wanted to insist that he listen, demand that he give her a chance to at least explain, but after everything he had said, she just didn't feel it anymore. She had thoroughly ruined him and any chance of there being something between them. She lost her will to fight.

"I talked to Ryan and Marissa a few hours ago, and we all agreed that the best thing is for me to find my own place. I am moving out tomorrow. I'm going to stay in a hotel until I can find an apartment. They're going to help me until I can get a job."

"Wait, what? You can't do that, Cohen, this is your home."

Seth shrugged and looked over his shoulder to the house. "Nah, it stopped being my home a long time ago." He turned back to face her. "It's the best thing for everybody. I shouldn't be around them while I am so screwed up and trying to figure out my life. It's not a good thing for Mikayla to see. And really, at this point in time, it will definitely cut down on any encounters we might have."

"Y-you don't want to see me?"

"I think, for right now, it would be best if we avoided each other as much as possible." Seth stopped and reached over for Summer's hand. It was a totally unexpected move and it took Summer several seconds to respond. She gingerly placed her hand in his and felt a rush of emotion. Was this a good sign? "I need to get over you, Summer. I do. I can't keep doing this to myself. Maybe what happened really was a huge mistake, maybe you'll never do it again, and maybe you really have changed. But I just can't depend on maybes anymore. I have to move on and I can't do that while I'm around you."

"But Seth – "

Seth squeezed her hand and he smiled again at her. His eyes were soft, and his body language relaxed and became more open and welcoming. "Hopefully, a little ways down the road, we'll be able to be friends. I just need some time before that happens."

She couldn't speak. So that was it. It was all over. He didn't even want to be in the same house as her, didn't even want to see her. She was forcing him to leave his home. She pretty much wanted to die. She had never felt more terrible, never hated herself more than at this moment.

"I've gotta go watch a movie now. I still haven't told Mikayla I'm not going to live here anymore. I don't think she's going to take it well. I think she's gotten a little attached." Seth squeezed her hand one last time and smiled self-deprecatingly. He stood up and walked to the door, turning his head over his shoulder to look at her once more, before he stepped inside.

He was gone and she was still sitting there, looking out at the ocean, crying.

* * *

**Preview**: Chapter 11 - Entirely Seth/Ryan, with maybe a dash of Playstation? Chapter 12 - Seth/Ryan and Seth/Sandy/Kirsten. Chapter 13 - Finally, the surprise guest appears and everything is thrown into a tizzy. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note**: First, let me say I'm sorry for the break in between updates. I haven't forgotten about this story, I just hit a wall that consisted of real life and writer's block. This chapter was originally going to be a lot longer, but I figured at this point, it was best just to take baby steps. I'm slowly working my way back into the groove. Next chapter should contain more of the same Seth/Ryan interaction as well as stuff with the folks.

Just as a warning, I'm currently working on about four different writing projects, as well as taking a full course load, so updates may be infrequent for the forseeable future. I'll do my best, but no promises.

* * *

It was something he hadn't done in years, but was a pleasure he looked forward to taking back up. It was a new day and it was time he started a new routine. He picked up that morning's copy of the _O.C. Register_ and began rifling through the pages. Locating the Arts and Entertainment section, he pulled the thin bundle of papers out and spread them across the table in front of him. Seth picked up his coffee mug and took a drink. He began reading a story about a local band that was getting popular in the L.A. club scene.

This was relaxing. He was relaxed. It was like completely breaking things off with Summer had lifted a huge weight off his chest. He no longer felt the drowning feel of her pull. He was free of her at last. Or he was getting there at least. For real this time. He was not going to regress and backslide into the love struck boy again. Not for her.

He really did look forward to the day where he could look at her and feel only friendship. He was confident he could do friendship. That would be easy. They would make good friends. He just had to get rid of all those pesky emotional feelings first. No easy task, but you had to start one day at a time.

With his favorite morning pastime starting up again, he was confident he could recapture some of that old Seth Cohen magic he'd had as a teenager. He wanted to get back to a more classic, old school form. He'd never completely be that boy again, but that didn't mean he couldn't dip his toes in the pool of his former greatness.

He took another sip of coffee and moved onto another article. It was a little disturbing how easily he was taking things. He felt relaxed, he felt free, and he felt relieved. He wasn't even that bothered that he was going to be leaving his home, the only familiar thing he had in his life. It was like he just didn't care anymore. Nothing in life was worth getting worked up over, because disappointment was as much a part of life as breathing. He would just be let down in the end. It was time to play it cool, to not let any emotions show, assuming he had any to begin with. He knew that his reaction was not exactly healthy, but it was his coping mechanism. It was akin to triage, save what you can and lose anything that was too far gone. He didn't like having to prioritize his emotional well-being, but at this point in his life it was sanity first, love last.

"I wondered where my paper went."

Seth looked up to see Ryan just entering the kitchen. "Sorry, wanted to try something familiar."

Ryan pulled out a chair from the table and sat across from him. "Hand me the Business section would you?"

Seth reached over and pulled out the requested sheaf of papers. "Business huh?" He pushed it across the table to Ryan.

Ryan picked up the papers and took a brief look at the front page. "Yeah, it's what grown ups read in the morning."

Seth put his A&E section down and lifted his mug to his face. "And just what are you implying?"

Ryan cracked his lips into a faint smile. "Nothing."

Seth sipped. He arched an eyebrow. "What has Mikayla been telling you?"

Ryan smiled a little wider. "The Carebear movie? Really? I didn't even know we had it."

Seth chugged the rest of his coffee and put his mug down on the table. "That little snitch. She promised she'd keep that just between us."

"Please don't tell me you cried like you did during the _Lion King_."

Seth flushed a little bit, slamming his paper down onto the table. "That was one time! And Mufasa's death is really sad!" He harrumphed.

Ryan chuckled a bit and this time was openly grinning. "First chick flicks, then Disney movies. Is there anything you _won't_ cry at?"

Seth did his best to glare menacingly at Ryan.

Ryan only smirked and made a show of purposely reading an article. Seth glared for a few seconds more before picking up the Real Estate section somewhat forlornly. This did not go unnoticed by Ryan. "Looking for apartments?"

Seth frowned, nodded his head brusquely. "I'm not really sure what I'm doing."

Ryan placed the Business section to the side. "Well, Marissa and I are more than happy to help you, you know that right?"

"Yeah, but I feel like I should be able to at least pick out an apartment on my own."

"Have you – have you thought about just staying here?"

Seth froze, his eyes glazing over. Flashes of Summer danced in front of his eyes. Staying in his old home was the last thing he should do. "We talked about this yesterday, it's best if I leave this," Seth paused, trying to find the appropriate word, "environment."

Ryan leaned forward, across the table, leaning on his right elbow. He fiddled with a page of the newspaper. "I know." He looked down at the table. "But I was thinking last night that maybe that's not such a good idea."

Seth snorted and raised his eyebrows. "It was your idea to begin with."

Ryan looked up, grinned. "That means it's my prerogative to change my mind."

"I appreciate the sentiment, believe me." Seth stopped talking, his mind drifting off to thoughts of St. Louis and Kat. "You have no idea how much the thought of home means to me." Seth's eyes snapped into focus, centering on Ryan and his concerned and open face. "But Summer – " Seth trailed off. He didn't really know what to say; just her name was enough to make his head spin.

Ryan cocked his head to the side, looking at Seth with a completely unreadable expression. He stood up. "Come on, follow me."

Seth followed Ryan with his eyes, very confused. But he shrugged his shoulders and got up. He followed Ryan, who was already walking out the door into the backyard. When Seth stepped outside, he saw where Ryan was headed and his confusion only grew. They were going to the pool house.

Ryan opened the door and stepped inside. Seth followed, speeding up his pace. He was antsy to get to the bottom of things. Yeah, Ryan could be hard to read at times, what with his monosyllabic ways, but he usually wasn't the cryptic type. That was more Seth's area of expertise, although he knew he only came across as cryptic because nobody could understand what he was saying. When Seth stepped into the pool house, it was like being slapped in the face; so many memories.

It was just like he remembered, although now a bit austere and unwelcoming. It clearly lacked the warmth it had had when Ryan called it his home. The pool house had obviously not been used for some time, and there was a slightly stale air to the room. Why was Ryan showing him this? This was part of his master plan to get him to stay?

"I don't want you to leave."

Seth snapped out of his surveying of the pool house and focused on Ryan. Ryan was sitting on the bed and looking up at Seth with a serious look on his face. "What?"

"I don't want you to leave, Seth. I think you should stay with us."

"I _can't_." Seth tried to control himself, tried to stop the desperation and pleading, but his words came out pathetic anyway. The more he thought about seeing Summer every day, the more he grew uneasy and sick.

"You can." Ryan stood up, suddenly enthusiastic and insistent. "You can live here."

"In the pool house?"

"Yeah."

Seth looked around at the pool house. Could he live here? It would almost be poetic, a great bit of cosmic symmetry. Would it really be so bad to stay? His mind screamed 'Yes' deafeningly. "I don't know. I mean, it's the pool house."

Ryan rolled his eyes and turned his head in a circle. "So what?"

Seth bit his tongue to stop the sarcastic remark from flowing out. That would have been his normal reaction and Seth was no longer that person. He was endeavoring to be better, to treat Ryan with a little more respect. "Uh – there's nothing wrong with it of course. It's a perfectly good domicile."

Ryan gave him a look and Seth shifted his feet nervously. "It's perfect. You still get to live here, at the house, but you're not actually in the house. You get to have your own privacy." Ryan walked over to the glass doors and grabbed a hold of the door knob. "There's even a lock now." Ryan flashed a short grin. "When Summer shows up, you can just hide out here if you want and you'll never have to see her."

Seth tapped his fingers across his chin as he gave the pool house a second look. "Hmmm, good point, my friend. It does lend itself to a certain hermit-esque ambience." There was more than enough wall space for his posters, and he figured he could put his computer over there, and he had plenty of room for his meager wardrobe. It wouldn't be that bad. It almost seemed perfect. Maybe he actually could have his cake and eat it too. "Marissa said it was a good idea for me to stay?"

Ryan smiled and Seth could only imagine he was thinking of his wife with that look on his face. "She's actually really excited about the idea. She's hoping she can persuade you into being our nanny."

"Your w-what?" Seth got highpitched and blushed.

Ryan grinned and leaned against the nearest wall. "Oh yeah." He smirked, his eyes dancing mischievously. "Because you don't have a job yet and because I think Marissa is getting tired of spending so much time at home, she wants you to watch Mikayla during the day when we're not home."

"Oh man, Ryan, I really don't think that's a good idea."

"Personally, I think it's perfect."

Seth took a step toward his brother, but halted. "No, no, Ryan, it's a disaster waiting to happen."

Ryan's features softened and his smirk disappeared. "Look, I get it, okay? You are screwed up, there's no denying that."

"Oh thanks."

Ryan scowled at him but continued on as if never interrupted. "You don't know what you want to do with your life, you don't know who to trust or if you even deserve to live the kind of life you might have if you stay here." Ryan's voice grew softer, contemplative, his eyes leaving Seth to settle on a vision only he could see. "Believe me, I've been there."

Seth swallowed, looked down at his feet suddenly uncomfortable. It was these kinds of emotionally ambiguous situations that made him question his place in the world. All he felt was a vague sense of apathy, unsure if he should reach out to Ryan or simply acknowledge the fact that he had no idea what to do and even if he wanted to do anything period. Was it even worth it anymore?

Ryan brought his attention back to Seth. "But are you going to stand here and tell me I can't trust you to watch over my daughter? Because if you are, then maybe you're right, maybe you should leave."

Seth exhaled slowly, a little queasy. He shook his head vigorously. He wanted to believe he was the kind of person Ryan thought he was. "No, I mean, you know I would do anything I could for her."

"And that's all I really need to hear." Ryan pushed off from the wall and walked up to Seth. "I'm not expecting miracles, I'm not expecting you to get better overnight. But if you stay here, around people that care for you, maybe you'll actually begin to realize that life isn't so bad and that you have a chance to be whatever you want to be."

"Oh wow, Ryan, that's really profound." Seth sniffled and wiped a hand across his cheek. "Look, I'm getting all misty." Seth smirked briefly and leaped back when Ryan attempted to shove him. Okay, so maybe his sarcastic streak was a little harder to squash than he thought.

Ryan rolled his eyes and walked back over to his former bed. "Just think about it, okay?"

Seth sighed, shifting moods. He had been doing that a lot lately, briskly moving from mood to mood. Even he was starting to get a little fed up with it. "I have thought about it, that's the problem." He walked over to the bed and sat down beside his brother, staring out past the glass doors, past the pool, and into the horizon. "What can I do? I never finished high school, I never went to college; I've been so preoccupied with just trying to scrounge up enough money to eat for the day that I'm not even sure what I would do with myself if I had gone to school." He turned his head to look at Ryan. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly the same person I was eight years ago. I don't even know if I still like comics."

Ryan nodded his head, like he understood, and Seth figured he probably did. If there was one person who might have an idea of what he was currently going through, Ryan would. "I get it. I'm not saying it's going to easy, but you've got no rush."

"I feel like I do. I'm almost 25, I feel like I should be able to support myself by now."

Ryan looked pointedly at him. "You have been. How about taking a break for a little while?"

"I – I'm not sure I know how anymore."

Ryan didn't respond, he just got up off the bed and walked over to what looked like an armoire. Seth didn't recognize the piece of furniture, and figured it had to be a more recent addition to the pool house décor. To his complete and total surprise, a medium sized flat screen TV rested inside the oak cabinet. "Ryan?"

Ryan leaned down and opened a bottom compartment, pulling out what looked suspiciously like the remote controller to a video game system. "Seriously?"

Ryan looked over his shoulder and motioned with his head to come join him. He sat down on the carpet, controller firmly ensconced in his hands. "Come on."

Seth half scrambled, half crawled his way over to Ryan, looking on the Playstation 2 inside the cabinet with awe. "I haven't seen one of these in years."

Ryan chuckled. "Good thing, since it's like a million years out of date." Ryan started to power up the system. "After you left, it just kind of seemed pointless to upgrade. I moved this out here when Marissa and I got married." Ryan got quiet. "I just didn't feel like playing it anymore."

Seth picked up his controller and felt a deep sense of nostalgia as he molded his palms to the cool plastic. "You do realize, that even with about eight years of rust, I'm still going to totally kick your ass."

"Frankly, I'd be disappointed if you didn't."

The game started up, and Seth lost himself in a pixilated world separate from his own.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note**: First, an apology. I didn't mean to let this go so long without an update. Unfortunately, real life got in the way. And extra unfortunately, real life will continue to be in the way for the foreseeable future. I can't promise when I'll update again, I can only say that I haven't forgotten this story or those who enjoy it. The constant support I've received has been awesome and I can't thank you all enough. Secondly, this chapter is a little longer than the last one, but not as long as it should be considering the wait. I hope you enjoy it. Next chapter, whenever that'll be, should have some Summer stuff, some Anna stuff, and more Cohen family hijinks.

Enjoy the new chapter!

* * *

It was the third time Seth knocked on the door without anyone answering. He bounced on the balls of his feet. He was excited, damn excited. And anxious, but mostly excited. His mind was whirring with possibilities. He couldn't sleep, he could barely even sit down, he was so full of energy and plans and ideas. He knocked on the door to Ryan's bedroom again.

Finally, he heard what sounded like movement on the other side. Then the door opened and Ryan stuck his bed mussed head through the crack. "What the hell do you want?" He was groggy and his voice was deep, but also clearly pissed off.

It was such a trip down memory lane for Seth that he clamped up. He remembered all the other times he had annoyed Ryan with his incessant need to talk, even at the most inappropriate times. God he missed his brother. A faint smile came across his own face as he ignored the angry and impatient look on Ryan's. Snapping himself from his nostalgia, he finally had an outlet for everything he'd been thinking of for the last several hours, and just started rambling. "Dude, Ryan, I did it. I found out what I want to do with my life. It's so awesome I don't know why I never thought of it before. It makes perfect sense and seems so obvious. That's probably why I never thought of it till now. But I did and have I mentioned yet how perfect it is? And it's all thanks to you for putting the idea in my head."

"What are you talking about?" Ryan moved a little farther out into the hallway, but his body was still halfway inside his bedroom. "Calm down, you're gonna wake Marissa."

Seth didn't care about waking Marissa. In fact, she should be awake to hear what he had to say. He had great news! He was still bouncing up and down, his eyes wide, his whole body seemingly moving in different directions. He felt like he was 16 again. He felt like he had downed a gallon of coffee. He felt like he had a purpose and he wanted to share that purpose with the person who had helped and been there for him the most. "Ryyyyaaan, I took your advice and thought about what I wanted to do." Ryan should be happy for him. He had a purpose now. He was just so overcome with excitement and the need to tell _somebody_, that he didn't really stop and think about the timing of the whole thing. His mind just couldn't understand why Ryan was having such a problem with anything. It had been his idea to consider possible career paths and he had been the one to tell Seth he could ask for his help at any time. Was it is fault he never specified that any time really meant the hours between 9 am and 10 pm?

"Seth, it's past three in the morning."

"So?"

Ryan was completely outside his bedroom now, holding the door open a fraction of an inch behind him. "This could have waited till morning."

"Oh no, my friend, not at all! I just had to tell you about it now. I need your input, some of your sage wisdom, just a bit of advice about my future business endeavors."

Ryan boggled at him, his face a picture of disbelief. "I have no idea what you're talking about." He covered his face with a hand. "It's three in the morning, Seth." There was just the hint of pleading in Ryan's voice.

Time for Seth was simply irrelevant. Time was for those people who had nothing better to do than sleep. He used to be one of those people, but no longer. He rubbed his hands together eagerly and grabbed hold of Ryan's shoulder, pulling him down the hallway. Things would go smoother if they were in a more conducive location for discussion. And where they could have easy access to coffee and food; they were going to be a while and might need some artificial assistance in keeping awake. "We need to discuss our business plans."

"What business plans?"

"Our business plans."

"You want to go into business?"

"No, _we_ are going to go into business."

Ryan leaned against a kitchen counter. "What the hell do you mean we're going into business?"

Seth rolled his eyes and looked at Ryan exasperatedly. Why could his brother not keep up? "You." Seth pointed to Ryan. "And me." Seth pointed to himself. "In – business – together." Seth enunciated each word carefully, so that his slow brother would not mistake his intentions.

"You're crazy."

"No, I'm brilliant."

"You dragged me out of bed to tell me this?"

"You answered the door!" Seth didn't see what the problem was.

"Like you would have gone away if I didn't!" The incredulous look on Ryan's face almost made Seth break down and laugh hysterically, but he stopped himself. Ryan probably wouldn't have appreciated it.

"Okay, okay, GP."

Ryan stood up straighter and glared at Seth. "Oh no, we are not getting into that again. It's way too early for that."

Seth frowned at Ryan and made himself approach his proposal from a different angle. "Okay, maybe my timing was not so good."

Ryan walked to the refrigerator and stuck his head inside. He pulled out a carton of orange juice and gave Seth the Look. Seth tried to look as innocent as possible, but while that might have worked many years ago, it was entirely ineffectual now. "I'm happy that you seem to be excited over whatever the hell it is you're talking about, but I do have to actually work tomorrow."

"Sorry."

Ryan didn't bother getting a glass for his juice, he was way too tired for that. "It's all right. Just get this over with."

Like always, Ryan eventually caved. Seth knew he would. "Great. I knew you'd see it my way."

Ryan muttered into the juice carton. "Like I had a choice."

Seth sat down at the kitchen table and motioned for Ryan to do the same. With a heavy sigh, Ryan sat down across from him, head cradled in the palm of his right hand. Seth sucked in a deep breath. "Okay, so remember this afternoon when you said that I should take a break and try to find out what I want to do with my life?" Ryan nodded his head slowly, frowning. "Well, I thought about it. I think I know what I want."

"Seth, the whole point was so you didn't have to do anything." Ryan looked pointedly at Seth. "So you could relax."

Seth looked down at the table, unable to look his brother in the eyes. The last thing he needed was to dwell on his life. Self-reflection might be good for some people, but for him, it had never been one of his strong suits. He preferred to jump head-first into a situation, without much over-thinking (not that he didn't over-think incessantly), and never mind the potential consequences. Seth knew that if he sat around in Ryan's house, playing video games and pretending at being a responsible au pair, he'd go insane. It wasn't him. He couldn't be that lazy, that undriven, not anymore. He needed a point, a focus. It was the only way he knew how to live now. When you had to struggle day by day just to survive, it tended to bring your mind into sharp focus.

"I could relax, I could." Seth shook his head and tapped his fingers along the tabletop. "But I can't. That's not me. I've got to do something."

"You can watch Mikayla."

"Don't get me wrong, Mikayla is great and all, I love the little snitch, but sitting around waiting for my life to catch up to me is not who I am. It's not how I do things."

Ryan brought a hand up to his head and tried to maneuver his hair into a more presentable mess. It was short enough that he didn't really have to do much. "So then what's your plan?"

Seth's whole face morphed from the contemplative and serious look to the more excited and anxious look he'd had when he woke Ryan up. Finally he was going to get to share his master plan. He took a deep breath, held it, wanting to keep Ryan in suspense just a little bit longer so that his reveal would be even more dramatic. Let it never be said that Seth Cohen didn't have a flair for drama. When it looked like Ryan was getting impatient again, Seth spoke one word, "Movies."

Ryan blinked and his mouth opened just slightly. "You're joking." When Seth only continued to stare at Ryan in expectation, Ryan blinked again. "You are joking, right?"

"No! Why would you think I'm joking?"

"Movies, Seth? Movies!" Ryan pushed away from the table and stood up, clearly upset. "You woke me up to tell me this?"

Seth stood up as well, distressed. Okay, so his big reveal wasn't going as well as he might have hoped. "We could be like the Coen brothers, except, you know, spelled differently."

"My name is Atwood."

"It might as well be Cohen."

Ryan's anger and frustration softened a bit and he sat back down with a heavy sigh. He rested his chin on the palm of his hand and shut his eyes. "I have a job already, Seth. A good one that I've worked hard for and really love."

"See, that's why you gotta let me finish. I know that." Seth sat back down too. He really did know about Ryan's job. He had the scrapbook to prove it, but he would never show Ryan that. It wasn't that he was embarrassed, although he was, it was that he didn't want yet another reminder between them of the mistakes that he had made. He'd kept a scrapbook of all of Ryan's clippings because he couldn't be there to see Ryan do them himself. It was the only connection he'd had to his brother while he was out traipsing across the country. He was so proud of what Ryan had done, so happy to see that Ryan had accomplished so many of his dreams. He had no intention of taking that away from him. He'd sacrificed too much for that. "I'm not saying you should quit your job. I don't want you to do that."

Ryan opened his eyes. "Then what? What is the whole point of this?"

"I was sitting in the pool house, thinking about what you said. I needed to find something that I was interested in, that I found fun and that I wanted to spend my life working on. And all I could think about was: Did I still like comic books? Did I still like video games? Movies? So I decided to find out." Seth had spent hours, locked in the pool house trying to find anything that would spark the latent passion inside of him. He wasn't even sure that he still possessed any passion. After so many years of ignoring his past life, after Summer's rejection and the fear that he was never going to amount to anything, was there really anything that mattered to him anymore? Yeah, Summer, but at the moment, she just didn't count.

Thankfully, Ryan had never gotten rid of his crap. He'd grabbed a large stack of comic books from his room, and spent a couple of hours re-reading them in his new home. It had been so long since he'd even read a comic book, since he had even thought of a comic book, that it was like he was reading them again for the first time. With a relief that he didn't even know he felt until he finished the last comic in the pile, he fell onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. He almost cried, but he was done with crying.

He had felt something. He couldn't describe it, couldn't name it, but it had been there. It was the same feeling he'd felt as he kicked Ryan's ass on the Playstation. Maybe there was more of his old self still embedded inside of him. So he came up with his plan, his plan to wake himself up.

"I read my comic books. I watched movies. I played more video games. When I was done, I had made a decision. I want to make those things. I want to create." Seth looked away, out the large windows and to the darkened ocean in the distance. "I took and destroyed so much, it's time I make up for it."

"And movies are your way of doing that?"

Seth turned back to face his brother. "Not just movies, but everything."

The skepticism that was on Ryan's face changed into confusion. It was, as far as Seth was concerned, an improvement. "I'm not sure I understand, Seth."

"I want to form a production company. I want to do everything. Movies, TV, comic books, video games, everything."

"You're serious about this, aren't you?" Seth nodded vigorously. "Do you even know anything about that kind of business?"

Seth made a dismissive gesture with his hands. "Not a clue."

"Don't you think that maybe you should?"

Seth rolled his eyes. "It's not like I'm talking about starting tomorrow. I mean months from now, after I've gotten used to things here and maybe got my GED."

Ryan visibly relaxed at his words. He placed both hands on the table and fiddled with the carton of juice. "That's good, that's smart."

"I'm not that same kid anymore, Ryan. I don't – yeah, I'm different."

"All right. But what do you need me for? I know even less than you do about this stuff." He shrugged his shoulders and stared at Seth. "I design buildings."

"You run a business. You have business experience. You have contacts with the Newport Group."

"So you mean money."

"Yeah."

"Seth, look, you know I want to help you. But what you're asking for – " Ryan trailed off into nothing. He looked extremely conflicted and Seth decided to take pity on him.

"I'm going to be 25 soon. That means I'll be getting a million dollars from my trust fund. I'll have my own start up capital; I just need some help using it wisely."

"I'm not promising anything, but I'll think about it."

* * *

"Wake up!"

Seth felt something hit his chest. He turned away from the something onto his back, groaning. The something hit his back.

"Wake up!"

Seth groaned a little louder and pulled the covers over his head. He had no idea what time it was but he knew it was way too early to wake up regardless.

"Uncle Seth, wake up!"

That got his attention. Gradually peeking his head out from under his covers, he opened his eyes to little slits. Mikayla was kneeling on his bed, her face just above his. There was a very expectant and impatient look on her face. "Mikayla?"

"I want to watch a movie."

Seth hunkered back down under the covers. From inside his warm and dark cocoon, he said, "So go watch one."

He felt little hands start pulling at his sheets. "I want to watch one with you." There was a definite whine in her voice and Seth finally gave up on getting anymore sleep.

"How did you even get in here?"

"Daddy let me in."

Of course. Seth slowly let his eyes adjust to the sunlight pouring in through the large windows of the pool house. This must have been Ryan's idea of revenge. He had to hand it to his brother, he knew how to fight dirty. "And I suppose daddy said I'd watch a movie with you?"

"Uh-huh. I asked grandpa but daddy said you really wanted to do it."

What he really wanted to do was go back to sleep, but the open and excited look on his niece's face squashed any hope of that. "All right, all right." He pushed the covers all the way off him. "Uncle Seth has got to take a shower first, but then I'll watch a movie with you, okay?"

"Okay!" And just like that, she was already running out the door.

He had never been so envious of a five year old before. He wished he could tap into some of her energy reserves.

After a rather lengthy and refreshing shower, he walked into the kitchen in search of a very large cup of coffee. Sitting at the table was his father, a folded newspaper resting beside him. Sandy was staring at something Seth couldn't see. "Morning, dad."

"Afternoon." His father had spoken without any movement at all. He hadn't changed position since Seth had seen as him as he walked into the kitchen. Seth was starting to get a little worried that something had happened to him.

"Huh?"

"It's the afternoon."

Seth looked at the microwave and saw that it was almost three in the afternoon. He hadn't realized that Ryan and he had stayed up that late. "Mom around?"

That seemed to knock his father from his daze as he looked up and gave Seth a faint smile. "Went into the Newport Group for a while."

Seth finally found his coffee and poured himself a large helping. "I don't suppose my traitorous brother is anywhere around here?"

Sandy shook his head, right hand moving to toy with the newspaper at his side. "Just missed him. He wanted to get a few good hours in before the end of the day."

Seth sat down across from his father and made a few obnoxiously loud moans of pleasure as he took two large gulps of coffee. Sandy rolled his eyes but smiled. "He's a workaholic, I tell you."

Sandy only grunted in acknowledgment.

Seth frowned and placed his coffee mug down on the table. "Okay, what's up, dad?"

Sandy didn't say anything for a while. Seth sat quietly, occasionally sipping from his mug. He could wait for his dad to talk. Not forever, because Mikayla would eventually wonder where he was, but he had the time now.

Sandy picked up the newspaper and unfolded it, smoothing it flat. He slid it over across the table until it came to a stop directly in front of Seth. With a long finger, he tapped the side and Seth looked obediently down. What he saw made his face drain of color and infuse him with anger at the same time.

"What the hell is this?"

Sandy took a deep breath, and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "It's not a big deal, son."

Not a big deal? He was in the newspaper! That seemed like a big deal to him. This was the last thing he needed. He didn't need the whole freaking world knowing about his return. He wanted to stay hidden away, spending time with his family and what few friends he had. He didn't want people to know about him, to wonder what might have prompted the grandson of the richest man in Newport to run away for so long. He didn't want to answer questions about his life. He just wanted another chance. "How did they even find out?"

Sandy averted his eyes, and he fidgeted slightly in his seat. "It's my fault."

"Your fault? You told them?" He couldn't believe it. That seemed so nonsensical. What reason would his father have for informing the press that he was home?

"Not them, technically."

"What does that mean?"

Sandy sighed and refocused on his son. "I – your mother and I – we had to tell the Board of Directors of the Newport Group that you were back. Somehow, it must have gotten to the press from there."

Seth took a drink of coffee to calm himself. He wasn't going to panic. He wasn't going to bolt. He was different now and he could handle this. His father was right; it wasn't a big deal, just unfortunate. "You're losing me here, dad."

"You're our son."

Seth raised an eyebrow and contemplated passing over to his father his cup of coffee. He looked like he needed it more if he was stating the painfully obvious. "Thanks for noticing."

Sandy frowned. "Don't be a smartass, Seth." He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and repeated himself. "You're our son. As such, it means, that if something were to ever happen to your mother or I, all your mother's shares and interest in the Newport Group would pass onto you. You'd become the primary shareholder, and essentially the owner, of the Newport Group if that happened. The Board had to be notified of your reappearance."

"Are you serious?"

Sandy broke out into a grin that reminded Seth of so many scenes from his past. He responded in kind, all his worry vanishing. Just seeing the confident, genuine amusement in his father's face was enough to banish his fears. If his father said it was going to be okay, then he believed him. "Don't worry, son, I'm not going anywhere for a very long time. Us Cohens are very hard to get rid of."

"I think I'm living proof of that."

Sandy sobered, memories of his absence flashing in his eyes. Seth winced just slightly. He didn't mean to remind his father of his time away. It would be a long time, if ever, before the people in his life started to forget. "I'll take care of this newspaper thing. Nobody will bother you."

"Thanks, dad."

Sandy brightened again, and turned his face to look at the rest of the house. "I think there is a little girl somewhere around here waiting for her uncle to watch a movie with her."

Seth let out a mock sigh, and pushed himself to his feet. "Yeah, yeah, I'm not sure how I let myself get talked into being a babysitter."

Sandy only laughed and Seth dragged himself into the house, in search of Mikayla. If she made him watch the Carebear movie again, he swore he could not be held responsible for his actions.


End file.
